A Child's Proof

[priya]

I've been writing poetry for about two months and I hope participating in this forum regularly will help me improve .

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A Child's Proof

The water trickled into my cupped palms
and I yell for mother
eager to show her the little pools;
this is for you mama.

My love is like a lake mama,
rejecting the fragile constructs of the solid world,
deep and clear and able to form any shape under the sun
Cleopatra bathed in the water from my palms,
the water that flowed in the veins of Judas.

Love, grey and pure.
By the time I find Mother,
my hands are empty.

She wipes my love off the hardwood floor.

[SirBrendan]

Okay, your closing line is superb, so congratulations. The second to last stanza is solid, only I wonder why your love is grey. Since the water you cupped was the metaphorical love, it doesn't make sense as water is not grey but instead colourless in small quantities or blue in large. I know it seems silly, but it takes me out of the poem and makes me wonder why the hell your love is grey when I should be wondering about the child with the empty hands (a great image).

I also appreciate that this is definitely free form, but I think it could benefit from some tightening on line structure or, if you're feeling bold, some minor revisions to make the meter/phrasing flow more smoothly. An example would be:

"My love is like a lake mama,
rejecting the fragile constructs of the solid world,
deep and clear and able to form any shape under the sun"

could be

"My love is like a lake mama,
rejecting the solid world,
deep and clear and able to form "

I find when revising a poem, if it feels cluttered or messy, just trim off the unnecessary and it often comes out better, without even having to change much.

I also question the use of Cleopatra and Judas. They don't have a clear relationship other than both having cool names and being fairly popular figures. Maybe you could switch Jesus and Judas, so in the opposite its understood to include everything in between. There's a famous and commonly known (accessible) part of the bible wherein at the last supper Jesus washes the feet of his disciples with water to display his love and humilty. I think there's some fantastic potential to play off there.

The last addition I'd suggest is in the first stanza the last line seems awkward and too similar to the second. I think if you're speaking in first person as a child, you really need to personalise the language right off the bat. Maybe something like ,
"eager to show her the little pools;
I made for my mama."

It makes use of the word mama in it's childish/innocent connotations, I think.

I'm an amateur poet myself, so only take the suggestions you like and disregard the rest. I hope this helps you.

Oh, btw, I really liked the poem and read it quite a few times so, y'know, well done

[ThePinsir]

I've been writing poetry for about two months and I hope participating in this forum regularly will help me improve .

---

A Child's Proof

The water trickled into my cupped palms
and I yell for mother
eager to show her the little pools;
this is for you mama.

My love is like a lake mama, very interesting comparison
rejecting the fragile constructs of the solid world,
deep and clear and able to form any shape under the sun a bit wordy
Cleopatra bathed in the water from my palms,
the water that flowed in the veins of Judas.

Love, grey and pure. from here down is great
By the time I find Mother,
my hands are empty.

She wipes my love off the hardwood floor.

I like the Cleopatra and Judas references...but I don't see how they fit here at all. Cleo and Judas probably aren't the best ways to portray a child's love for his/her mother.

[priya]

Thank you so much to SirBrendan and ThePinsir for these comments! I'm currently making edits and will probably have a new version up by the end of the day. The Cleopatra and Judas references were, as SirBrendan guessed, chosen because I thought they sounded cool. I'll do a little bit of self searching and figure out what would be a more natural way to restructure those lines. Thank y'all, once again, for the critique (and the kind words!).

[ThePinsir]

Ha! it's cool. I throw in historical references a lot of times simply because they sound cool, too. I'm actually kind of starting to view it as a bad habit

[demuzzled]

Ok--this will be my first post after reading quite a few and I have to admit I am a bit intimidated..nevertheless...points taken from above and your responses I can see a better flow coming to thie piece. The only additional feedback I could give is whether or not a a comma after this in the this is for you mama line would help break up the line slightly giving a subtle emphasis on the this is for you. Thanks for sharing!