Here

[Blunt]

I printed this poem on a single page and passed out a few copies at a local venue much like CBGB's. Found it, and wanted to get some feedback and edit. Thanks for reading:

HERE

We gather here tonight
United by songs too loud too fast too crass
Irreverent for masses

We crowd around this fire
Our stories glow and float
In sound like burning embers

Our comfort
The warmth of songs burned scars upon the heart
We are song birds
Flocking towards the flame

Together we are
United by difference
Divided by slogan

The street punks scream for anarchy
The skins push boots for purity
Those rude boys dance for tolerance
All against authority

But for what if not accountability
Wasted youth on social apathy
Wasted text on mass technology
With the flip of a switch they’ll put out the fire fueled by electricity

Punk is productivity

We gather here tonight
Because here in booze and smoke and dirt
The nest of non conformity
The independent humanity

Here where the free mind finds serenity
With flesh and blood and sweat and code
Not worthless disenchanted
Angry destructive drunk and ranting punks at home

Here huddled close around the flame
Are we lost and aimless divided lame
Potential revolution on display
Or do we know we are the fire
Song birds flying spreading flame

[SirBrendan]

As a former street punk, I think it a little curious that you group nazi skins with the rest, but okay. Suggestion time:

"With the flip of a switch they’ll put out the fire fueled by electricity"
You broke your line structure here. I appreciate it's an important line for you, but I think it's important for the poem that you trim it down to flow better.

"Because here in booze and smoke and dirt
The nest of non conformity
The independent humanity"
Lose the 'because', as you never finished the thought. Although poetry doesn't need complete sentences, it does require that if you use a conjunction you use the conjunction.
I would also reconsider the word non-conformity. For counter-culture, it's such a cliche term that it immediately raises hackles amongst most readers who have ever danced with the alternative lifestyles. In poetry, where each word is entirely purposeful, avoid any words that cause the reader to reject you or the poem.

Either way, I'd like to see you push out some more poetry and I hope some of my critiques helped a little. Welcome to the forum

[demuzzled]

But for what if not accountability
Wasted youth on social apathy
Wasted text on mass technology
With the flip of a switch they’ll put out the fire fueled by electricity
--the last line--structure and visually may read better if another line was made starting with They'll. Interesting views and thoughts pointed out here! Curious to know if you got any feedback from passing it out?

[Blunt]

As a former street punk, I think it a little curious that you group nazi skins with the rest, but okay.

It's interesting that you saw the skins as Nazis without that detail in the poem. I wondered if most would when I wrote it. That's why I chose purity as their cause. I'm in Miami, I've met antifacist skins, straight edge skins, skins that just care about music, and very few actual Nazis until you head north towards the south (potential poem about florida no?). All of them seem so militant to me, more idealistic than most, so I was very comfortable with combining them as purists. Interested in hearing more thoughts on that, especially as it would relate to those lines.

"With the flip of a switch they’ll put out the fire fueled by electricity"
You broke your line structure here. I appreciate it's an important line for you, but I think it's important for the poem that you trim it down to flow better.

With the flip of a switch they’ll put out the fire fueled by electricity
--the last line--structure and visually may read better if another line was made starting with They'll. Interesting views and thoughts pointed out here! Curious to know if you got any feedback from passing it out?

I felt really good about the way the lines kind of grow with the poem. 3, 4, 4, 4, etc. and finally 5. So I worked on shortening that line:

With the flip of a switch they’ll put out the fire fueled by electricity
They switch off the fire doused by electricity
Out goes the fire switched off by electricity
Switch off the fire water charged electrically
Dousing the fire with water charged electrically

Lose the 'because', as you never finished the thought. Although poetry doesn't need complete sentences, it does require that if you use a conjunction you use the conjunction.
I would also reconsider the word non-conformity. For counter-culture, it's such a cliche term that it immediately raises hackles amongst most readers who have ever danced with the alternative lifestyles. In poetry, where each word is entirely purposeful, avoid any words that cause the reader to reject you or the poem.

Because is gone, you're absolutely right!

Do you feel like abnormality would be more inviting?
It also made me think to adjust the line to talk more about the place

We gather here tonight
in booze and smoke and dirt
This nest breeds abnormality
The independent humanity

...makes that last line feel so awkward. I'm thinking I'll try to make this part about the nest and what it's made of using that first line, which is redundant anyways.

Thanks so much. I'm very happy to find this forum. I've already gotten more feedback here than when I passed it out. I intended to have it read from stage before our set. Maybe I will one day. By someone more charismatic.