Acquiescence to Sand, to Stone. (Revision)

[Euan]

Hello everyone, I'd appreciate some critique on this, treat it as you would in the serious workshop. Thank you for your interest.


Revision

Acquiescence to Sand, to Stone.

The Ocean's edge
divided, then merged again
between water and sand
cold
and hot.
Trickling sand blisters
the skin between my toes
I step forward into the water

And I begin to wade
I grasp
passing driftwood
arms outreached,
countering the darkness.
Its emptiness constricting
penetrating my outer layer
it tears into my soul.
Its grip,
rigid as the pebbles beneath me

Each pebble holds its own memory
each pebble holds my own memories.
The water trickles through my hair
and settles on the surface.
Each droplet, a tear
a reminder of my Humanity.
That even now, I feel
memories cannot be drowned
be it in this Ocean
or carved free onto the canvas of Earth

I bleed upon the stone,
carving whatever I can
these stones siphon through me.
My vision fading
and my strength, waning.
uncertanity plagues me
with a familiar loneliness settling in.

I submit to the Gods
of injustice,
that have plagued me for too long.

Cast forward,
thrown onto the Beach.
tasting the sand, again.
Searing into my skin, again.
Even this lacks grit
that powerful winds guarantee.
I step forward into the Moonlight
its radiance, a reflection.

~~~

Original

My Strength is Fading

Through the waters,
I wave.
Grasping the
passing driftwood
arms outreached,
to counter the darkness.
Its emptiness constricting
claiming souls
left, lifeless
rigid as the pebbles beneath me

I am not afraid to cry
the tears remind me that I am still a Man.
That even now, I feel
memories cannot be drowned
be it in the Ocean
the lake
the river
or a 1 room motel with enough grog
to kill me twelve times over.

I bleed upon the stone,
becoming drenched,
they siphon through me
My vision fading
and my strength, waning.
Lost.
Alone.
I choose my fate
that is,
refusing to perish.

I submit to the Gods
the Gods of injustice
that have plagued me for too long.

Cast forward,
I am thrown onto a Beach
tasting the sand,
even this lacks the grit
that howling winds around me enforce.
Wandering aimlessly
I haven't the need to be here
I haven't the strength.

But what I have in my heart will be enough,
for how long, I still don't know.

[RyanRader13]

I like it I think it could use a bit of tune up here and there, my biggest qualm was the second line, the use of the word wave doen't make much sense. I think if you used wade like wading through water it would fit better and its practically the same, my next issue is that it starts with a scene and gets really sporadic, it goes from water to a hotel room to an inner monologue and back around to a beach, which I am not against the muliple narrative, I think what you could do is find a way to start it differently so the reader isn't instantly connected with the setting of the water so that it can be introduced more as a metaphor, as far as theme you have my thumbs up,

[Euan]

I like it I think it could use a bit of tune up here and there, my biggest qualm was the second line, the use of the word wave doen't make much sense. I think if you used wade like wading through water it would fit better and its practically the same, my next issue is that it starts with a scene and gets really sporadic, it goes from water to a hotel room to an inner monologue and back around to a beach, which I am not against the muliple narrative, I think what you could do is find a way to start it differently so the reader isn't instantly connected with the setting of the water so that it can be introduced more as a metaphor, as far as theme you have my thumbs up,

Cheers Ryan :- ) noted!

[Todd]

Hi Euan,

Welcome to the site! I appreciate the contributions of yours I've seen so far. Okay, so critique like I would in Serious...here goes:

Hello everyone, I'd appreciate some critique on this, treat it as you would in the serious workshop. Thank you for your interest.

My Strength is Fading--I would challenge you to think of a stronger title. Something to clarify the piece. When the poem tends to simply rehash the title, it feels like a bit of a wasted opportunity. That isn't a rule of course, but just a thought.

Through the waters,--Ask yourself, is this the most evocative opening line you can come up with? I would ask you to find something stronger to open with
I wave.
Grasping the
passing driftwood
arms outreached,
to counter the darkness.
Its emptiness constricting
claiming souls
left, lifeless--These last three lines seem a bit abstract and "poetic' sounding to me without adding much.
rigid as the pebbles beneath me--Like this simile

I am not afraid to cry--I don't think you need this line. You could just start the next line with Tears remind me..."
the tears remind me that I am still a Man.
That even now, I feel--This is a much longer poem than it needs to be, to keep the tension you need to be tighter. Lines like this could be cut.
memories cannot be drowned--Nice line
be it in the Ocean
the lake
the river--This construction is too wordy. Choose maybe the ocean and then move directly to the motel room.
or a 1 room motel with enough grog
to kill me twelve times over.

I bleed upon the stone,--I like the phrasing of this line
becoming drenched,
they siphon through me
My vision fading
and my strength, waning.
Lost.
Alone.
I choose my fate
that is,
refusing to perish.--All of the rest of this feels like it's lacking in concrete detail. Lost and Alone can't hold the lines. You need imagery in this part desperately. Wordsworth: I wander lonely as a cloud. Something to ground the idea like that.

I submit to the Gods
the Gods of injustice--Every place you can cut, cut. The repetition of gods on this line for instance.
that have plagued me for too long.--specific detail not "plagued me for too long. This can't convey true emotional intensity.

Cast forward,
I am thrown onto a Beach
tasting the sand,
even this lacks the grit--You don't need the
that howling winds around me enforce.
Wandering aimlessly--aimlessly is just an adverb doing you no favors. These first few lines from the beach down have promise. I think this is an area you could develop.
I haven't the need to be here
I haven't the strength.

But what I have in my heart will be enough,
for how long, I still don't know.[b]--Look at all these "I"'s. This is self reflection. It isn't a strong way to end.

So, I know that may not seem positive, but I do think there is a poem here. I suspect it's more in the beach part, but I'm open to see what you come up with.

I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Euan]

Thank you Todd, I see what you mean. I'll redo this tonight, see how it goes. You've pensive critique for me, I appreciate that. Thanks again brother.

[Euan]

Thank you again for the critique, here is my edit -



Acquiescence to Sand, to Stone.

The Ocean's edge
divided, then merged again
between water and sand
cold
and hot.
Trickling sand blisters
the skin between my toes
I step forward into the water

And I begin to wade
I grasp
passing driftwood
arms outreached,
countering the darkness.
Its emptiness constricting
penetrating my outer layer
it tears into my soul.
Its grip,
rigid as the pebbles beneath me

Each pebble holds its own memory
each pebble holds my own memories.
The water trickles through my hair
and settles on the surface.
Each droplet, a tear
a reminder of my Humanity.
That even now, I feel
memories cannot be drowned
be it in this Ocean
or carved free onto the canvas of Earth

I bleed upon the stone,
carving whatever I can
these stones siphon through me.
My vision fading
and my strength, waning.
uncertanity plagues me
with a familiar loneliness settling in.

I submit to the Gods
of injustice,
that have plagued me for too long.

Cast forward,
thrown onto the Beach.
tasting the sand, again.
Searing into my skin, again.
Even this lacks grit
that powerful winds guarantee.
I step forward into the Moonlight
its radiance, a reflection.

[Todd]

Hi Euan,

Before I get into the critique on the edit. I moved your post around to follow the general conventions of the forum. I placed the revision the original, and renamed the post to the revision just so people did not continue to comment on the earlier version without noticing that you'd put a revision up within the thread.

Here are some comments for you on the edit below:

Thank you again for the critique, here is my edit -



Acquiescence to Sand, to Stone.

The Ocean's edge
divided, then merged again
between water and sand--These top three are an improvement. They set the scene well.
cold--Be wary of one word lines, they have to be very good to hold the line. Cold isn't very good in this context. Also Cold and hot is not a strong observation of sand and water. I think you could cut all of this without losing anything.
and hot.
Trickling sand blisters
the skin between my toes
I step forward into the water--You've lost punctuation somewhere. You had it earlier. Stay consistent. I like Trickling sand blisters much more than "hot" earlier.

And I begin to wade--We've already established the I earlier you can cut the "and I"
I grasp--The line break feels choppy when read. Add a half pause when reading the line out loud and consider cutting the I and pulling passing driftwood
passing driftwood
arms outreached,
countering the darkness.--I'm unclear how this action counters the darkness that we have now been introduced to
Its emptiness constricting--Not bad potential, if we establish the darkness or what it represents (depression, ennui, etc) earlier
penetrating my outer layer--Something a little more concrete here. Outer layer of clothing? skin? the shell I put before the world? It's a little vague
it tears into my soul.--Soul references in poetry are mostly overdone. If you're going to use the soul it better be very interesting.
Its grip,
rigid as the pebbles beneath me--This may work better up near where the darkness is introduced. If you want to keep it here, in any event. I think you should pull this up a line at least "rigid as the peebles" me should probably be "my feet"

Each pebble holds its own memory--I don't think you can use the pebbles in this way. You're using the comparison to the darkness being rigid as the pebbles. I could be off, but I think you need to rephrase this a bit
each pebble holds my own memories.--If you keep or revisit this structure you don't need "own"
The water trickles through my hair
and settles on the surface.
Each droplet, a tear--Maybe each droplet like a tear
a reminder of my Humanity.
That even now, I feel--This is sort of implied by the last line. You can cut it
memories cannot be drowned
be it in this Ocean
or carved free onto the canvas of Earth--free seems like it could be cut, or onto would be replaced with from. It depends what you're trying to convey

I bleed upon the stone,
carving whatever I can
these stones siphon through me.
My vision fading
and my strength, waning.
uncertanity plagues me
with a familiar loneliness settling in.--I would consider cutting this entire strophe. If this is important to the theme, it needs to feel more connected.

I submit to the Gods
of injustice,
that have plagued me for too long.--Again, I'd look to cut all this too, it feels a bit random, to me at least

Cast forward,
thrown onto the Beach.--don't need thrown, could pull onto the beach. I note the capitalization (may be a bit heavy-handed for a metaphor though it's okay).
tasting the sand, again.
Searing into my skin, again.
Even this lacks grit
that powerful winds guarantee.--Powerful is a word like beautiful or unique. It's better to show the concept with action.
I step forward into the Moonlight
its radiance, a reflection.

This feels like a step forward to me. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[Euan]

Thanks again Todd, I'll give it another go.