I Should Have Told You

[johannat]

Before I commence with my poem, a couple of things: firstly, I would love to change the title, I just haven't come up with a solution yet (except one that directly names the person this work is about). Also, just as some context, this is directed towards my ex-boyfriend. I welcome any and all feedback!


I Should Have Told You

I should have told you how much I liked you.
I should have told you how much I missed you.
How I've always loved your laugh.
How I could see how nervous I made you.
How that was the sweetest thing.
That when I complained of the cold, what I wanted was to feel your arm around me.
How I got a bruise on the back of my head from time we spent the whole night laying against a log down by the water;
And how I loved that bruise because it always made me think of you.
To kiss me.

[tigrflye]

Johanna,
I can relate to these feelings. But.. I have heard most of these things before.
I do like the line about the bruise.. it has potential. it is original. The first 5 lines are very generic and over used. Dig deeper.
Describe his laugh. Compare it with something. I want to be able to hear it..heck, I wanna taste it. Try to describe the way you feel about this guy like no one else has.. not the first thought that pops into your head from a love song.
Maybe start with the night at the water? Describe it. Describe him. You can add all those feelings. But walk us through and draw a picture.
Just trying to help.
Happy writing, Jenn

[tectak]

Before I commence with my poem, a couple of things: firstly, I would love to change the title, I just haven't come up with a solution yet (except one that directly names the person this work is about). Also, just as some context, this is directed towards my ex-boyfriend. I welcome any and all feedback!


I Should Have Told You

I should have told you how much I liked you.
I should have told you how much I missed you.
How I've always loved your laugh.
How I could see how nervous I made you.
How that was the sweetest thing.
That when I complained of the cold, what I wanted was to feel your arm around me.
How I got a bruise on the back of my head from time we spent the whole night laying against a log down by the water;
And how I loved that bruise because it always made me think of you.
To kiss me.

Hi joh,
Welcome to pp poetry. Before commenting on this posting I want to ask you a simple question, kindly meant...what do you think makes your piece poetry?
If you think you know the answer, and you can point out the significantly poetic parts, then we can examine them and try to make the piece sing. Right now, I can only see a wish-list of teeny-bopper angst. There is no rhythm, rhyme , meter, metaphor, imagery, cadence, pathos or colour.
That you wrote this,though, is significant...but what is the significance? If it is just that you felt the emotional urge to write something for your boyfriend...well, you have. If, however, you want to write poetry then you must begin by reading poetry. I hope your motivation is the latter. If the former, then I have to say it is a dead duck which has been shot so many times there is barely a quack left of it.
You think thoughts that are often beyond your immediate powers of expression. Take time to rewrite this (or write something else) in a new way, using fresh words, colorful imagery and potent metaphors. Paint a picture but not by numbers.
You missed a great opportunity with this. The bruise. It has a memory tag, it indicates pain and injury, it is colourful, it cannot be erased, it is part of you, it changes, it fades, it disappears....godammit, what a metaphor! If only I'd thought of it....oh, I did.
Best,
tectak