Origami

[ellajam]

I attempt to sharpen my creases,
pressing along lines whispered at birth;
the quest for shape never ceases.
While a simple cup quenches my thirst,
still I wait for a crane to burst
from these refolded pieces.



(6/15, small edit to get rid of the two folds.)

[milo]

I attempt to sharpen my creases,
folding along lines whispered at birth;
the quest for shape never ceases.
While a simple cup quenches my thirst,
still I wait for a crane to burst
from these refolded pieces.

I like this quite a bit, ella.

I fancied myself a bit of an origamist (new word) for a bit. i had a quiet obsession with it.

i don't think the metaphor is necessarily new but it is well-drawn enough to be "new again" or interesting anyway.

[Todd]

I attempt to sharpen my creases,
folding along lines whispered at birth;
the quest for shape never ceases.
While a simple cup quenches my thirst,
still I wait for a crane to burst
from these refolded pieces.

Hi Ella,

I didn't notice the rhyme at first which always seems good to me.

I liked your nod to heredity in L2. I loved the last three lines. My only call out is maybe cut "attempt to" it feels weaker than it needs to be.

[ellajam]

I attempt to sharpen my creases,
folding along lines whispered at birth;
the quest for shape never ceases.
While a simple cup quenches my thirst,
still I wait for a crane to burst
from these refolded pieces.

Hi Ella,

I didn't notice the rhyme at first which always seems good to me.

I liked your nod to heredity in L2. I loved the last three lines. My only call out is maybe cut "attempt to" it feels weaker than it needs to be.

Attempting is my forte.

Glad to give you a smile, milo, you tortured soul

Todd, as usual you're right. The last 3 lines alone probably would have made a better poem. Ah, well.