Posts: 29
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
Hi ... I'm quite happy with this although I could tinker with the sound. The last stanza probably not quite right.
Hawksmoor's Christ Church, Spitalfields
He had never seen a crocodile
with a monocle
on a Great Dane’s haunches
with fancy epaulets,
but built it anyway
from a pile of cream wedges,
crescents, blocks and batons
flung down by enrage Amun
who couldn’t get them in
the cupboard under the stairs.
Down on its haunches on Commercial Road
the masonry amalgam still howling
for the Nile’s burst on black earth
up to the red land. Knowing nothing
of that river’s damn.
The silent melodrama can curdle the air
in your lungs, stop the chatter in your gob.
Always wanting to barge the Ten Bells,
the chip shops, the Tesco Metro
into the road, he knows not his own strength.
Inside, the ghost of a stuffed sphinx
haunts the cupboard where they keep
the Ancient & Moderns.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(10-22-2013, 10:17 PM)wystan1000 Wrote: Hi ... I'm quite happy with this although I could tinker with the sound. The last stanza probably not quite right.
Hawksmoor's Christ Church, Spitalfields
He had never seen a crocodile
with a monocle
on a Great Dane’s haunches
with fancy epaulets,
but built it anyway
from a pile of cream wedges,
crescents, blocks and batons
flung down by enrage Amun
who couldn’t get them in
the cupboard under the stairs.
Down on its haunches on Commercial Road
the masonry amalgam still howling
for the Nile’s burst on black earth
up to the red land. Knowing nothing
of that river’s damn.
The silent melodrama can curdle the air
in your lungs, stop the chatter in your gob.
Always wanting to barge the Ten Bells,
the chip shops, the Tesco Metro
into the road, he knows not his own strength.
Inside, the ghost of a stuffed sphinx
haunts the cupboard where they keep
the Ancient & Moderns.
Hi wystam,
You will have noticed a lack of response to this piece. That may be due to your opening comment. The crits would not like to make you unhappy. You must realise that this is a workshopping forum not a showcase. If you would like the piece moved to miscellaneous please advise accordingly.
Best,
Tectak
Posts: 29
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
Sure junk it - I will try again.
thanks
Michael
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(10-26-2013, 06:28 PM)wystan1000 Wrote: Sure junk it - I will try again.
thanks
Michael
No. I'll move it. Let it mature in misc. There's good stuff here.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(10-22-2013, 10:17 PM)wystan1000 Wrote: Hi ... I'm quite happy with this although I could tinker with the sound. The last stanza probably not quite right.
Hawksmoor's Christ Church, Spitalfields
He had never seen a crocodile
with a monocle
on a Great Dane’s haunches
with fancy epaulets,
but built it anyway
from a pile of cream wedges,
crescents, blocks and batons
flung down by enrage Amun
who couldn’t get them in
the cupboard under the stairs.
Down on its haunches on Commercial Road
the masonry amalgam still howling
for the Nile’s burst on black earth
up to the red land. Knowing nothing
of that river’s damn. dam?
The silent melodrama can curdle the air
in your lungs, stop the chatter in your gob. gob does not fit
Always wanting to barge the Ten Bells,
the chip shops, the Tesco Metro
into the road, he knows not his own strength.[b ] Strangely disconcerting language to no real purpose[/b]
Inside, the ghost of a stuffed sphinx
haunts the cupboard where they keep
the Ancient & Moderns.
Look, this really is very good indeed. There is a richness of language which is stirringly gothic. The only two nits in my line by line is where you deviate from the recipe. I like the piece very much. You mentioned tweaking the sonics? Where? If you were prepared to junk this, are you content to leave it alone?
Best,
tectak
