A negative of Dorian Gray

[Keith]

Edit 1
I fall through, embossed by sleeves,
captured thoughts that never age,
these moments are mine to travel,

Suggestive on your zipper sticky fingers fish for babies,
billion dollar bites the bate,
nevermind the neon typeface.

Prism out my bright new colours, a place were I begin,
climb the causeway of the holy,
kiss the mouth of the crimson king.

Hindenburg is helpless smoke cigars inside the Graf,
muscle bound beside the rider,
burning hell from gravestone blast.

London’s on the stage calling all guitars to smash,
fly with me to Battersea, on pigs across its stacks,
picked up Ziggy from the club, snorting stardust.

I have run inside these vivid scenes
it seems I do not age,
yet every image I see reflect,
subjects me to myself with lines
I learn and then forget.
My soul was sold for pocket money,
my face, long since replaced.


Original
I move through, embossed by sleeves,
captured thoughts that will never age,
these moments are mine to travel,

Tugging your zipper with sticky fingers,
fishing for babies on dollar bills,
refracting new colours out of the prism,
scattered bollocks in the neon typeface,
squashing children on the giants causeway,
at Hindenburg, fanning the flames,
pillion passenger straight out of hell,
split in the lip of a war torn child,
in the shadows of a calling stage,
flying pink over Battersea sky’s,
Inside the pocket of the faded boss,
sat in a car waiting for Stardust.

I can run inside these vivid scenes
it seems I do not age,
yet every image I see reflect,
subjects me to myself with lines
I learn and then forget.
My soul was sold for pocket money,
my face, long since replaced.

[Viktor Vaughn]

I really enjoyed this! An incredible scene is crafted out of words, and my imagination just took it away.
I suppose the only critique I can give is about the beginning. It was hard for me to really figure out what was being said. I don't really know what advice I could give though to help it, it might just be me as I'm fairly simple minded.

I absolutely love the pace of the second stanza. It speeds up incredibly, and just hopes the reader can hold on! The third stanza caught me by surprise though. It slows down a lot, and the vernacular and phrasing changes styles; not sure if that was intentional, or just how it ended up.

Still, I loved it!

[Keith]

I really enjoyed this! An incredible scene is crafted out of words, and my imagination just took it away.
I suppose the only critique I can give is about the beginning. It was hard for me to really figure out what was being said. I don't really know what advice I could give though to help it, it might just be me as I'm fairly simple minded.

I absolutely love the pace of the second stanza. It speeds up incredibly, and just hopes the reader can hold on! The third stanza caught me by surprise though. It slows down a lot, and the vernacular and phrasing changes styles; not sure if that was intentional, or just how it ended up.


Still, I loved it!

Hi viktor
Thank you for the comments this is kind of a reverse DG in that inside the album sleeves I am still young but in the real world I am old ish

You should know all about Iconic CD artwork looking at your picture

[RyanRader13]

I am a really huge fan of the portrait of Dorian Gray, its a story about agelessness in despair. I actually like the first three lines, it was a sort of abstract way to introduce the endless trek through time that the character goes through. I did find the gear shifts in the second and third stanzas to be a bit odd. but it was tolerable. I think there is alot more you could do with it if you chose to explore the idea farther

[Keith]

I am a really huge fan of the portrait of Dorian Gray, its a story about agelessness in despair. I actually like the first three lines, it was a sort of abstract way to introduce the endless trek through time that the character goes through. I did find the gear shifts in the second and third stanzas to be a bit odd. but it was tolerable. I think there is alot more you could do with it if you chose to explore the idea farther

Thank you RyanR13, having read your comments I have made some changes to try and take it through the gears a bit slower much appreciated. Keith