Suicide

[Intricate B]

These are the thoughts of a man,
Destined for suicide.
I've been waiting a long time
in this line to ride this ride.
The descent to insanity
Is thrashing and trashing
The heart in me.
Every cut runs deep.
The caged inside feelng,
Keeps my soul's eyes bleeding,
From weeping and screaming
For release.
The rage of this beast,
Locked in this cage
With no sight of keys
Except with flesh busting at the seams,
Upon death, my soul's release..

Intricate B

[RyanRader13]

It's deep, Very Very well portrayal of the emotions, I'm sure there are things that could tighten it up a bit but I cant put my finger on what exactly that would be. it has that really eerie feel at the beginning and gets really impending toward the end, I think the second line feeels odd but I can't tell you how it could be better, just the 'ride this ride' reads a bit odd. I like your take on it though. You should see mine titled 'A Long Way From Home' its not as dark as yours but I think you might find the comparison a bit intriguing

[OliverPorano]

Did you really feel suicidal when you wrote this poem? It is extremely cliche and could almost be seen as an insult to everyone who's been through that hardship.

[TBD]

Intricate B, I see from this and other writings that you are exploring the theme of descent to insanity and suicide. I think it could help your poem if you could put the reader in your shoes and try to make him/her see why the voice in the poem contemplates suicide. What situation or event led to this state?

[Erthona]

I have worked with many suicidal people, and this strikes me as a bit to energetic to ring completely true, although it does ring fairly true for those who use the threat of suicide as a form of manipulation. I am distinguishing between those people who did something that probably should have killed them, yet didn't, and those who did something that had virtually no chance of succeeding.
For me, what you have written seems more like teenage angst. Such lines as:

"The descent to insanity
Is thrashing and trashing
The heart in me."

Seem melodramatic. That may be primarily because you tell, rather than show this, as I think there is very little way to tell about the internal dialogue that will not seems melodramatic.

I guess the major point for me is this just has way to much energy for someone who is going to commit suicide. Generally when someone expresses this much rage, they are homicidal, and tend to use the idea of suicide as a form of manipulation, or as a way to cause someone pain.

I'm not saying that this is not genuine, I'm just saying the way you are presenting this causes the perception to seem non-genuine.

Dale

[billy]

while the subject matter is pretty dramatic, (what could be more dramatic than thinking about topping oneself?)
it feels to angsty and to over the top (i never take a poem as the truth so i have no idea if it's true/real or not, not do i need to) poems about about this subject should have me thinking WTF did i just read, at the end of it. it should fuck me up emotionally. it doesn't. it reads as a suicide poem trying to be a suicide poem and failing.

[tectak]

These are the thoughts of a man,
Destined for suicide.
I've been waiting a long time
in this line to ride this ride.
The descent to insanity
Is thrashing and trashing
The heart in me.
Every cut runs deep.
The caged inside feelng,
Keeps my soul's eyes bleeding,
From weeping and screaming
For release.
The rage of this beast,
Locked in this cage
With no sight of keys
Except with flesh busting at the seams,
Upon death, my soul's release..

Intricate B

Hi int,
Well, It's shallow. Not a succinct portrayal of the emotions expressed by most suicide pretenders. I'm sure there are things that can be loosened up a bit and I can put my finger on what they may be. It lacks that extended weariness that the words of a truly suicidal soul indicate. Lack of control, bizarre irrationalities expressed as simple truths, negativety, unconsolable anger/remorse. You need to let it free. In the beginning it is starting and it gets really impending er...towards the end. I think the second line feels oddly relevant, and I can tell that you thought this one through; just the "except with flesh" reads a bit odd as a likely alternative to the sight of keys.Overall, I don't like your take on it, though. You should see mine titled ' Suicide 191,213,348' .Its darker than yours but I think you might find the comparison a bit intriguing...if I live long enough to write it.
Oh, and there is no justification whatsoever for capitalising every line...it indicates schoolboy english class more than impending suicide

Best,
tectak

[milo]

For me, the poem doesn't work at all for a number of reasons.

1. The narrator clearly knows nothing about either insanity or suicide (so little that he actually confuses the two when they really have nothing to do with each other). I think the problem is one of execution. the author needs to study these subjects more before he can write a plausible poem on either, until then, his narrator just won't be believable.

2. Execution. the author is betting too much on the subject of the poem being powerful and not bothering to focus on poetic devices - most importantly word choice and originality leaving us with a rather dull statement on a subject the author finds important for some reason. the result is a trivializing of the subject matter.

3. Cliche and hackneyed phrasing - "soul's eyes bleeding" is one of the worst phrases I have ever read and i have read a /lot/. "The heart in me" (??!!) As opposed to the heart in someone else or the heart outside of you?

4. once again, all of the abstraction. You are going to have to work on learning to write poetry without leaning on abstraction so much. i would suggest you try a couple practice exercises where you don't use a single abstraction. if I am not clear, abstractions are nouns that represent ideas rather than physical things. (thoughts, suicide, time, ride, descent, insanity, heart, feeling, weeping, screaming, release, rage, soul, release)

[SirBrendan]

Write what you know, especially if you don't know much.

I don't write about being a viking warrior because I think UFC is an unfortunate celebration of our baseness.

I may think, at times, that viking warrirors were definitely badass, taking the land and food by force and decimating Britain for a couple of centuries with their manly chest beards...but....I don't know anything about being a viking so I don't write about it.

This is excited hormones expressing. Depression is exhausting. It is just an awful, tiring thing. In fact, I don't even want to finish this sen

[Intricate B]

Write what you know, especially if you don't know much.

I don't write about being a viking warrior because I think UFC is an unfortunate celebration of our baseness.

I may think, at times, that viking warrirors were definitely badass, taking the land and food by force and decimating Britain for a couple of centuries with their manly chest beards...but....I don't know anything about being a viking so I don't write about it.

This is excited hormones expressing. Depression is exhausting. It is just an awful, tiring thing. In fact, I don't even want to finish this sen

I only write what I know..
If anyone on this thread read any amount of my work, you would understand quote a bit more about my therapy..

[milo]

Write what you know, especially if you don't know much.

I don't write about being a viking warrior because I think UFC is an unfortunate celebration of our baseness.

I may think, at times, that viking warrirors were definitely badass, taking the land and food by force and decimating Britain for a couple of centuries with their manly chest beards...but....I don't know anything about being a viking so I don't write about it.

This is excited hormones expressing. Depression is exhausting. It is just an awful, tiring thing. In fact, I don't even want to finish this sen

I only write what I know..
If anyone on this thread read any amount of my work, you would understand quote a bit more about my therapy..

Your poem needs to exist without you, knowledge of you or of any "therapy". Don't talk /for/ your poem, let your poem do the talking. (Also, avoid abstractions, seriously, they kill poems).

[Selma Pew]

Hi there Intricate B!
Poems about a subject as deep as suicide can often be very moving and intriguing, if they're written correctly. I think the poem would be better if the word suicide wasn't actually in it. This way the reader would actually have to think about the poem and it's meaning, rather than having it written so blatantly. I would try rewording it a little bit to, but the idea is definitely there!