Poem about society; need help finishing?

[Selma Pew]

PLEASE HELP I DONT KNOW HOW TO END MY POEM?? OR WHAT TO TITLE IT!

We are told to be
Intellectual
Logical
Cynical
Practical
Sensible
(blind)

We are told to trust
Society
Knowledge
History
Religion
Science
(madness)

We are taught to be
Reasonable
Responsible
Clinical
Rational
Digital
(lifeless)

---

Also, the words 'Blind', 'Madness' and 'Lifeless' were supposed to be indented, i guess the formatting didnt work out

[Malu]

There is a message here, but this poem is almost 100% listed words. I suggest for your title you make some clever allusion as to your view point on this subject matter. For the ending, judging by what you're trying to do here, perhaps convey some sort of rebellion and rising up to these issues. That way it leads to sort of a cliff hanger, where the reader interprets that however they want the story to end (along the lines of what you're trying to say of course)
If you want to stick with this format, your ending could be something like

But we are
Individual
Beings
....
....
....
(......) this word should be a real grand slam with your message

Stuff like that. I think this could work, because it follows your pattern "we are" so adding but really shifts things around in a good way. Also representing change. Or you could keep the "we are" and just turn it around with something like "we are tired of...blah blah blah" there you could even add one to two more stanzas with how you think things should be. Something like that

[RyanRader13]

I like what you are trying to do, I get what you want to say, but content is lacking. It sounds more like a motto or personally like a multiple choice quiz. I think it is something you could build on

[Selma Pew]

I like what you are trying to do, I get what you want to say, but content is lacking. It sounds more like a motto or personally like a multiple choice quiz. I think it is something you could build on

I get what you're saying, I just don't know how to build from here?

---

There is a message here, but this poem is almost 100% listed words. I suggest for your title you make some clever allusion as to your view point on this subject matter. For the ending, judging by what you're trying to do here, perhaps convey some sort of rebellion and rising up to these issues. That way it leads to sort of a cliff hanger, where the reader interprets that however they want the story to end (along the lines of what you're trying to say of course)
If you want to stick with this format, your ending could be something like

But we are
Individual
Beings
....
....
....
(......) this word should be a real grand slam with your message

Stuff like that. I think this could work, because it follows your pattern "we are" so adding but really shifts things around in a good way. Also representing change. Or you could keep the "we are" and just turn it around with something like "we are tired of...blah blah blah" there you could even add one to two more stanzas with how you think things should be. Something like that

Thanks a lot! Do you have any ideas about how I could change this format?

[Malu]

I like what you are trying to do, I get what you want to say, but content is lacking. It sounds more like a motto or personally like a multiple choice quiz. I think it is something you could build on

I get what you're saying, I just don't know how to build from here?

---

There is a message here, but this poem is almost 100% listed words. I suggest for your title you make some clever allusion as to your view point on this subject matter. For the ending, judging by what you're trying to do here, perhaps convey some sort of rebellion and rising up to these issues. That way it leads to sort of a cliff hanger, where the reader interprets that however they want the story to end (along the lines of what you're trying to say of course)
If you want to stick with this format, your ending could be something like

But we are
Individual
Beings
....
....
....
(......) this word should be a real grand slam with your message

Stuff like that. I think this could work, because it follows your pattern "we are" so adding but really shifts things around in a good way. Also representing change. Or you could keep the "we are" and just turn it around with something like "we are tired of...blah blah blah" there you could even add one to two more stanzas with how you think things should be. Something like that

Thanks a lot! Do you have any ideas about how I could change this format?

No problem
You don't have to change this format if that is how you like it. Poems like this can be very strong and persuasive, but they have to be done just right, and I don't have that kind of wisdom to show you, I wish I did. I think if you just add a few words to each line, or go into detail with each of those words. You could give metaphors and other poetic devices to support and give insight to those key terms you mention. Even with the current format, this poem has a message, which is good. It just lacks imagery, so by adding a few words describing what you mean in more context you would add that different dimension to this.

[tectak]

PLEASE HELP I DONT KNOW HOW TO END MY POEM?? OR WHAT TO TITLE IT!

We are told to be
Intellectual
Logical
Cynical
Practical
Sensible
(blind)

We are told to trust
Society
Knowledge
History
Religion
Science
(madness)

We are taught to be
Reasonable
Responsible
Clinical
Rational
Digital
(lifeless)

---

Also, the words 'Blind', 'Madness' and 'Lifeless' were supposed to be indented, i guess the formatting didnt work out

Hi selma.
You should call this "The Logical Song" as it has already been written and so named, released as a track by Supertramp way back. If it is in a song it is probably a cliche...if it IS a song it is DEFINITELY a cliche. How to end it? Put it in the bin and write something new . There are plenty of words already in the dictionary so there is no need to compile another list
Keep writing,
Best,
tectak
The Logical Song
When I was young it seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle,
oh, it was beautiful,
magical.
And all the birds in the trees,
well, they'd be singing so happily
Oh joyfully,
oh playfully
watching me
But then they sent me away
to teach me how to be
sensible
Logical,
oh responsible,
practical
And then they showed me a world
where I could be so
dependable
Oh clinical,
oh intellectual,
cynical

[Erthona]

It sounds like a "a multiple choice quiz..."

I'll choose none of the above.
-------------------------------------------
I think you need to do a little more than make a list.

Maybe you should read some real poems, instead of song lyrics if you want to write poetry. I am assuming yo are getting this from song lyrics, because no poetry I am familiar with resembles this, but I have unfortunately seen song lyrics that do.

Sorry, but there is just nothing here to critique. The best I can offer is what Tom advised, reload and try again.

Dale

[jdeirmend]

Hi Selma,

First, if I can offer some encouragement: you have an idea and a message! This is fantastic, and it is this very place from which all writing must start. There is a poem-in-embryo here, no doubt about it. It is just a question, it seems to me, about how to flesh it out. To that end, we need to introduce you to the concept of the image. Images are strange configurations indeed, but they are part and parcel of what makes language so rich and incredible a phenomenon. This is so much the case, that our possession of language, and our ability to make images with it, is much of what marks human beings as nature's crowning gem.

What, then, is an image, in the sense of one rendered in language? It perhaps is most helpful to use ostension to point it out - to show it rather than offer an abstract definition. But there you have it. I just used an image, to try and communicate to you the essence of the image. In fact, in trying to relate to you what an image is, I've been using images all along, rendered above in bold. Hell! Even the word image, it might be argued, is an image: after all, we are not, with language images, ever literally seeing or touching things. And obviously, I'm not literally pointing to anything, after all. But notice that all of these words in bold can have other meanings, in this context: we can talk about how we've "seen the light" or "seen the truth," as much as how an image or a poem has "touched us." Thus I do certainly mean something in saying that it is best to try and point to a particular image as an example. With all of this, hopefully you can see how language-images are so ubiquitous and powerful, that our efforts to communicate without them are, in some sense, crippled.

Hence my suggestion: find some images to use. This is not always easy. Sometimes, you just have to let them come to you. Other times, certain images will spur others in you. As an exercise, here is what I would recommend: take every line of your list, and add the words "like" or "as" after each abstraction you mention. Then think of concrete examples of things that exemplify each abstraction. So, we might try something like this:

We are told to be
Intellectual, like a stuffy old professor, in an itchy wool sweater vest
Logical, as an algorithm, programmed to parse black from white
Cynical, like a jaded coin, that knows its fate is to pass hands
Sensible . . . etc.

Anyhow, I hope that was useful to you. I would very much like to see you complete a revision to that effect; it would give me great satisfaction. Best of luck with your writing!

PLEASE HELP I DONT KNOW HOW TO END MY POEM?? OR WHAT TO TITLE IT!

We are told to be
Intellectual
Logical
Cynical
Practical
Sensible
(blind)

We are told to trust
Society
Knowledge
History
Religion
Science
(madness)

We are taught to be
Reasonable
Responsible
Clinical
Rational
Digital
(lifeless)

---

Also, the words 'Blind', 'Madness' and 'Lifeless' were supposed to be indented, i guess the formatting didnt work out

[Selma Pew]

Hi Selma,

First, if I can offer some encouragement: you have an idea and a message! This is fantastic, and it is this very place from which all writing must start. There is a poem-in-embryo here, no doubt about it. It is just a question, it seems to me, about how to flesh it out. To that end, we need to introduce you to the concept of the image. Images are strange configurations indeed, but they are part and parcel of what makes language so rich and incredible a phenomenon. This is so much the case, that our possession of language, and our ability to make images with it, is much of what marks human beings as nature's crowning gem.

What, then, is an image, in the sense of one rendered in language? It perhaps is most helpful to use ostension to point it out - to show it rather than offer an abstract definition. But there you have it. I just used an image, to try and communicate to you the essence of the image. In fact, in trying to relate to you what an image is, I've been using images all along, rendered above in bold. Hell! Even the word image, it might be argued, is an image: after all, we are not, with language images, ever literally seeing or touching things. And obviously, I'm not literally pointing to anything, after all. But notice that all of these words in bold can have other meanings, in this context: we can talk about how we've "seen the light" or "seen the truth," as much as how an image or a poem has "touched us." Thus I do certainly mean something in saying that it is best to try and point to a particular image as an example. With all of this, hopefully you can see how language-images are so ubiquitous and powerful, that our efforts to communicate without them are, in some sense, crippled.

Hence my suggestion: find some images to use. This is not always easy. Sometimes, you just have to let them come to you. Other times, certain images will spur others in you. As an exercise, here is what I would recommend: take every line of your list, and add the words "like" or "as" after each abstraction you mention. Then think of concrete examples of things that exemplify each abstraction. So, we might try something like this:

We are told to be
Intellectual, like a stuffy old professor, in an itchy wool sweater vest
Logical, as an algorithm, programmed to parse black from white
Cynical, like a jaded coin, that knows its fate is to pass hands
Sensible . . . etc.

Anyhow, I hope that was useful to you. I would very much like to see you complete a revision to that effect; it would give me great satisfaction. Best of luck with your writing!

PLEASE HELP I DONT KNOW HOW TO END MY POEM?? OR WHAT TO TITLE IT!

We are told to be
Intellectual
Logical
Cynical
Practical
Sensible
(blind)

We are told to trust
Society
Knowledge
History
Religion
Science
(madness)

We are taught to be
Reasonable
Responsible
Clinical
Rational
Digital
(lifeless)

---

Also, the words 'Blind', 'Madness' and 'Lifeless' were supposed to be indented, i guess the formatting didnt work out

Thanks so much, you were a great help!!