Between Rednecks annd Rappers

[RyanRader13]

Here we go, this is the first poem I have written in years. First; my disclosure, I can be offensive and I don't typically write properly so yes I know its a mess. I've been suffering from severe writers block and I'm here to revitalize my sense for words. I normally make music so I'll write about how that lovely journey has been going for me. I hope this entertains you and gives you a smile. let me know what you think.


I'm stuck
between these rednecks and rappers who flood this scene,
no matter my efforts I'm stuck in this dream where
the flock of the people rallies at my feet
to hear my voice and to hear me come clean

But instead they want "fucks," and bitches to beat,
to ride home at sunset with their tractors in tow,
They want a good blow, and to pop caps in a ho
the others to whine, about their dog and their doe

But the people they come, and the eat it all up
no matter how bad it just fuggin' sucks.
But there is other places in this world for me,
places that I may want to be.
Right??

And here I am stuck
between hipster and emo...
with their Xstacy beats and their whispering screams
here they all come; the people to see
Where do I fit? What about me?

Fuck all you people
Fuck you whole lot
I don't need your approval
to make music that rocks.

[rowens]

Fix the grammar up a little bit. Not too much. Minor things, like the they typoed as the, and maybe a few other things that you can decide on. The quick and typical forced rhymes might be meant in mockery, but they're not very effective so far.

Most rednecks, and rapper-wannabes that I know are cocksuckers that don't deserve to live. But then again, I'm biased against them. So you have a good theme here. Just not very effective as a poem yet.

[RyanRader13]

Fix the grammar up a little bit. Not too much. Minor things, like the they typoed as the, and maybe a few other things that you can decide on. The quick and typical forced rhymes might be meant in mockery, but they're not very effective so far.

Most rednecks, and rapper-wannabes that I know are cocksuckers that don't deserve to live. But then again, I'm biased against them. So you have a good theme here. Just not very effective as a poem yet.

first crack at anything in years, I've never been much of a person for grammar not because I lack the ability I am just lazy like that. I do agree with you on the rhymes, but you got the message of mockery I was shooting for so I am doing much better than I anticipated. It's very rough draft done on the fly not very strong as a poem. I do enjoy that we share that bias, got any tips for future work?

[rowens]

When you write something in the future, I might have tips. I like to keep my future open, in case anything better comes up.

[tigrflye]

I'm stuck
between these rednecks and rappers who flood this scene,
no matter my efforts I'm stuck in this dream where lost in a dream ?
the flock of the people rallies at my feet where a flock of the people...
to hear my voice and to hear me come cleanto hear my voice and watch me come clean

But instead they want "fucks," and bitches to beat,But they only want..
to ride home at sunset with their tractors in tow,
They want a good blow, and to pop caps in a ho
the others to whine, about their dog and their doeI don't think you need this comma?

But the people they come, and the eat it all up they instead of the
no matter how bad it just fuggin' sucks.do you mean that no matter how bad you are, they eat it up anyway? If so, I would put a period after "bad." It will complete that thought and help the reader not try to make sense of "no matter how bad it just fucking sucks." as a sentence cuz I got tripped up.
But there is other places in this world for me,there ARE
places that I may want to be.
Right??

And here I am stuck
between hipster and emo...
with their Xstacy beats and their whispering screams
here they all come; the people to see
Where do I fit? What about me?

Fuck all you people
Fuck you whole lotFuck you a whole lot?
I don't need your approval
to make music that rocks.

Just some suggestions. Your poem.
Personal taste probably, but I don't like the emoticons in the actual poem. I want the words to tell me how to feel.. not the face
Haha
Glad you started writing again.