Posts: 14
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
The morning star weaved its way
through a horizon of normalcy
and painted senses
with the rush and murmur of asphalt.
Ghosts of uniform trees
stood by to welcome the sunrise
while silently lamenting the conformity
forced upon them by unique minds.
Ceaseless echoes with their past warnings
synchronize in the autumn calm
tinting the inner peace of a hopeless dreamer
in dancing shades of blue and gray.
Posts: 26
Threads: 3
Joined: Sep 2013
I really love the imagery here - the starkness of the dark morning and the lines of perfectly conform trees bring to mind a solitary, lonely walk. I've felt that way myself on many a Monday morning. But the title was a bit confusing, since the poem references the morning a handful of times. I also included a few notes on the lines themselves. ^_^
(Also worth noting: this could as easily refer to a workday as well as a schoolday.)
(10-01-2013, 07:57 AM)OliverPorano Wrote: The morning star weaved its way
through a horizon of normalcy
and painted senses -- I like this imagery, but the line feels a little stilted.
with the rush and murmur of asphalt.
Ghosts of uniform trees --Love the play on "uniform in a line" and school uniforms.
stood by to welcome the sunrise
while silently lamenting the conformity
forced upon them by unique minds. -- If the minds are unique, why are they forcing conformity?
Ceaseless echoes with their past warnings -- Slightly confused by this part. Perhaps an earlier reference to warnings would help?
synchronize in the autumn calm
tinting the inner peace of a hopeless dreamer
in dancing shades of blue and gray. -- great ending!
Posts: 14
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
Another one of those *facepalm* moments for me. Title changed.
For some reason, I always found it ironic that everyone is different, yet society encourages conformity. Also, ceaseless echoes with their past warnings is me not listening to my parents as they tell me not to forget this, this, etc.
Posts: 26
Threads: 3
Joined: Sep 2013
Oh, that makes a lot of sense! I would find a way to make that a little more obvious to an outside reader - that information adds a lot more life to that last verse.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
OP
Stanza 1
One does not usually weave one's way through a horizon of anything. Something might be said to be on the horizon, but to say weaving it's way through the horizon makes little sense to me. The phrase "horizon of normalcy" doesn't really work as one does not modify the other in any useful way. "painted senses" almost makes sense, if meant beholding the unique colors that sometimes happen at sunrise, still it could use some fleshing out. But how does the "morning start weave its way...with the rush and murmur of asphalt"? A car might weave it's way with the rush and murmur of asphalt, but I don't see how this applies to the morning star unless it is a car.
Stanza 2
The only thing wrong with this stanza is a tense problem. "Stood" should be "stand". Aside from that I wish S1 and S3 were this clear.
Stanza 3 Basically a repeat of S1, you have things doing things that they can't, and that make no sense to do.
"ceaseless echoes with their past warnings is me not listening to my parents as they tell me not to forget this, this, etc."
I doubt anyone would ever divine this from what you have written.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Too often you create vague non-functioning images that convey little meaning. First they need to make sense within themselves, and then they need to be attached in some concrete way to that which you are trying to metaphorize. Example: I have no idea what the morning star is suppose to represent, is it you, is it the car or bus you are riding in to go to school, is it your lunch box. I don't know, and there is really no way for me to tell. If it is you, what does it mean metaphorically for you to weave your way with the rush and murmur of asphalt. What action or characteristics of the person are equivalent to this. There has to be a reasonable connection between the metaphor and what is being metaphorize, or else you are just creating nonsense.
Dale
.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 14
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
Thank you, Erthona. I actually didn't mean to say any of those metaphors that you pointed out, which tells that I still have a long way to go. I'll be scrapping this, then.
