Always Winter (Revision)

[Todd]

Revision

for Jadis

The first flakes were not white, but red.
Before light, before night, there was
an everlasting tree.

Before the tree,
if you held a stone
to your ear
it would whisper
of seeds beneath soil--
the buds restless.

If you warmed the stone
between your hands,
it would pulse like the heart
of a traitor

on your too-white skin,
like a blush.

~~~
R1: Trying out Leanne's opening. It seems less choppy for some reason. Chris suggesting to invert the last two lines really works for me. It plays off the stone/heart image better. I also like how it seems to tie to the opening better. bena I appreciated your reinforcement on the choices as well. I thought about restlessness, but did not wish to make that change at this time. Thanks all.

Original

for Jadis

The first flakes were red--not white.
Before light, before night, there was
an everlasting tree.

Before the tree,
if you held a stone
to your ear
it would whisper
of seeds beneath soil--
the buds restless.

If you warmed the stone
between your hands,
it would pulse like the heart
of a traitor,

like a blush
on your too-white skin.

~~~
Slight edit: combined two strophes

[bena]

I shall return to this. First I'll have to re-read a few times and let it absorb. I swear, you guys are such fabulous inspiration!

[Leanne]

So, you have a thing for tall, pale women?

for Jadis

The first flakes were red--not white. -- I'm still not convinced about this phrasing -- I tend to think that the negation would be better first, ie. not white, but red -- but it's a preference thing
Before light, before night, there was
an everlasting tree.

Before the tree,
if you held a stone
to your ear
it would whisper

of seeds beneath soil--
the buds restless. -- if I was going to have a complaint about lineation it would be this stanza break of which, at the risk of sounding like Tectak, I don't really see the purpose

If you warmed the stone
between your hands,
it would pulse like the heart
of a traitor,

like a blush
on your too-white skin.

I really love this strongly-woven allusion. It gives me a sense of evil being out of place and destined to fail beneath the eternal good of nature. Nicely done, Todd.

[Todd]

Thanks Leanne. I appreciate the comments.

I'll give the opening some thought, and while Tom didn't say anything about the break (yet), upon reflection I agree with both of you. I'll make the correction.

Best,

Todd

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hi Todd. Liked very much, though I might be reading it incorrectly. If there are racial overtones (which I take as hinted at via the first and last line) it would be good to expand on them even more than you've hinted, precisely because they are difficult to talk about. Though I might have read things wrong, and it's a fiery love note/homage (full of archaic forests and fecund but treacherous love stones) to someone who often blushes. Anyway, very well done to my ear.

[milo]

for Jadis

The first flakes were red--not white.
Before light, before night, there was
an everlasting tree.

Before the tree,
if you held a stone
to your ear
it would whisper
of seeds beneath soil--
the buds restless.

If you warmed the stone
between your hands,
it would pulse like the heart
of a traitor,

like a blush
on your too-white skin.

~~~
Slight edit: combined two strophes

I am going to break the rules for.a minute just to point out that you reminded me how much I loved the books. (I have committed to rereading them after reading this). The poem? Yes, of course I loved it, parts read too easy but since.when is that a crime
I will try to return.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Ohh, Narnia?

[bena]

Ok, said I would come back, so here I am with my pitiful comments. I have to agree that the first line is awkward, and I would do it "The first flakes were not white, but red"---to me this makes the reader comfortable at first with white flakes, we know what they are, but then you change them to red and it builds the drama.

The second and third stanzas....well I would not change a thing about those; they absolutely sing when read aloud. Ending may be a tad weak, but not sure.

It's difficult to critique something that is nearly perfect. What can I say, I just love it!


bena

[Todd]

Leanne: Tall pale women. Sure, why not.

P&P: Thanks for the comments. Yeah Narnia. I appreciate the read.

milo: Thanks. I'm glad you're rereading the books. I do that every now and then. I sort of wanted simple because I was riffing a children's story. Though that was just the initial write.

bena: Thanks for coming back. The first line will get some attention. Appreciate the comments.

[ChristopherSea]

Always Winter
for Jadis

The first flakes were red--not white. Ah, some blood in those veins
before the big chill
Before light, before night, there was interesting enjambment, it works
an everlasting tree.

Before the tree,
if you held a stone
to your ear
it would whisper
of seeds beneath soil--
the buds restless. Would ‘the buds restlessness’ be better?

If you warmed the stone
between your hands,
it would pulse like the heart
of a traitor,

like a blush
on your too-white skin. I would switch these lines, if you can (see below)

Ah, Jadis the white witch! I like your use of stone, as it can serve not just as her heart, but as one of her stoned victims, either way it works as a plea to spark humanity back into this Ice Queen. If you swapped the last two lines, Jadis would go red to white to red again (or the possibility), perhaps better reflecting and tying into the opener. Nice Todd./Chris

[Todd]

Chris great ending thought. Love that! The big chill is a tad too movie for me.

Thank you very much.

[ChristopherSea]

Chris great ending thought. Love that! The big chill is a tad too movie for me.

Thank you very much.

Whoops, 'the big chill' was my comment, not an edit recommendation (I fixed my reply)!

[Todd]

No issues Chris. Thanks for the inversion suggestion. Small changes make a big difference. Much appreciated again.

The edit is up.

[ChristopherSea]

No issues Chris. Thanks for the inversion suggestion. Small changes make a big difference. Much appreciated again.

The edit is up.

It reads well Todd. The opening is smooth and perhaps more of a matter of fact as it stands in your edit. The closing seems to work this way and tie a bow on the package. Will this Ice Wench warm? Is my question...

[bena]

This is now perfect. I declare it, even though I have no authority to do so, I shall pretend I do.....opening is fantastic and the closing much stronger. The middle never needed work, so everything is brilliant now.

[Todd]

Chris: I don't know if this ice wench will warm . Thanks for sticking with it.

Bena: I appreciate the kind words.

Best,

Todd

[Erthona]

Todd,

I can't remember, in "the magicians nephew" was Jadis a traitor? Evil and cruel, yes, certainly, but where is this traitor attribute coming from?

"If you warmed the stone
between your hands,
it would pulse like the heart
of a traitor,"

Dale