So This is the End?
#1
[edit]
Here we go again
When will this story end
shes going out to smoke another cigarette while He rolls himself a blunt
And they both sit alone to assess what it is they really want
A mother who's convinced happiness can’t be bought with money
And a son who's respectful, responsible and funny
Successful at school with a pretty girl by his side
Keeps his cool and doesn't cover up his feelings with lies
So she cried, yeah she cries, please No more crying
He says she hardly makes a living,
guess that makes her slowly dying
So she shuts him out, results in no more family tying
Searching for something less important to confide in
He finds it’s a struggle
Thinks its not worth all the Trouble
Late to bed late to rise,
meanwhile now she works doubles
And he has two jobs but one isn’t legit
And the other he hates, But she knows he won’t quit
And she works and collects but she hasn’t passed go
So there's no respect or devotion to emotions they show
It's a shame, tomorrow their lives will never be the same
Shared regret without sorrow, who would you say’s to blame
No good nights, no good byes
no one fights, No one cries
No more talks, no more lies
Let them walk out their lives

[original]
So This is the End?

Here we go again
When will this story end
shes going out to smoke another cigarette while He rolls himself another blunt
And they both sit alone and assess the things they really want
A mother who's convinced happiness isn't bought with money
And a son who's respectful, not an asshole but still funny
Successful at school with a pretty girl by his side
Keeps his cool and doesn't cover up all of his feelings with lies
So she cried, yeah she cries, please No more crying
He says she hardly makes a living,
guess that makes her slowly dying
So she shuts him out, results in no more family tying
Searching for something less important to confine in
He finds it’s a struggle
Thinks its not worth all the Trouble
Late to bed late to rise,
meanwhile now she works doubles
And he has two jobs but one isn’t legit
And the other he hates, But he knows he can't quit
And she works and collects but he never sees her pass go
So there's no respect or devotion to emotions they show
It's a shame because after tomorrow their lives will never be the same
Shared regret without sorrow, who do you expect them to blame
No good nights, no good byes
no one fights, No one cries
No more talks, no more lies
Let them walk out their lives
Reply
#2
(09-29-2013, 01:17 PM)Versify Wrote:  So This is the End?

Here we go again
When will this story end
shes going out to smoke another cigarette while He rolls himself another blunt she goes out to smoke a cigarette while he rolls himself a blunt
And they both sit alone and assess the things they really want They sit alone to assess the things they really want
A mother who's convinced happiness isn't bought with money
And a son who's respectful, not an asshole but still funny
Successful at school with a pretty girl by his side
Keeps his cool and doesn't cover up all of his feelings with lies
So she cried, yeah she cries, please No more crying
He says she hardly makes a living,
guess that makes her slowly dying
So she shuts him out, results in no more family tying
Searching for something less important to confine in do you mean confide?
He finds it’s a struggle
Thinks its not worth all the Trouble
Late to bed late to rise,
meanwhile now she works doubles
And he has two jobs but one isn’t legit
And the other he hates, But he knows he can't quit
And she works and collects but he never sees her pass go She works and collects but doesn't pass go
So there's no respect or devotion to emotions they show There's no respect in emotions they show
It's a shame because after tomorrow their lives will never be the same its a shame their lives won't be the same
Shared regret without sorrow, who do you expect them to blame shared regret without sorrow. Who would you blame?
No good nights, no good byes
no one fights, No one cries
No more talks, no more lies
Let them walk out their lives
I like the story very much. I found some lines to be wordy and bumpy (bumpy is a word I stole from Billy). I simply offered a few suggestions that you of course do not have to take..I am not trying to rewrite your poem, but my ears think it flows a bit smoother if condensed a bit.symplified just a little.. the syllables match closer.
I think the mother and son are both working hard.. trying to get through. I hope they end up finding some common ground and respect for each other.
Reply
#3
thanks for the suggestions. I agree, some of it is lengthy, making it easy to trip over the lines. When I write, i don't tend to count syllables as much as i focus on rhyming but i took some of your suggestions. I like it more now. Thanks for the feedback
Reply
#4
(09-30-2013, 05:35 PM)Versify Wrote:  thanks for the suggestions. I agree, some of it is lengthy, making it easy to trip over the lines. When I write, i don't tend to count syllables as much as i focus on rhyming but i took some of your suggestions. I like it more now. Thanks for the feedback
Well perhaps you should. Rhymes can fail if the rhythm stumbles. That is a basic rule which though made to be broken, cannot be compensated for by JUST simple rhyming. ing-ing-ing-ingSmile
Best,
tectak
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