Margo (edit #1)

[ellajam]

edit #1

We meet at the Met,
walk through rooms filled with old friends.
Monet and mirrors
serendipitous mixture,
your ringing laughter.
Demuth's Five, Segal figures,
Japanese morning glories.
Intricate armor
reveals what lies between us,
warriors' hearts intertwined.

Punctuation, I've never used it much in poems, it forces pauses I feel might be better left to the reader, I like that there can be more than one way to read it.

If I use it, does that mean I also have to write proper sentences?

Any opinions on whether it improves or breaks this poem?

original

We met at the Met
accompanied by old friends
intricate armor
revealing what lies beneath
warriors' hearts intertwined

Monet and mirrors
serendipitous mixture
your ringing laughter
Demuth's Five, Segal figures
Japanese morning glories

[cidermaid]

Hi ella,

This has a lovely soft edge of innocence and yet sexual tension running through it. It makes me think of a first (Undisclosed) date with new eyes of an old friend or flame. It is very sweet. (and i mean this in a good way rather than demeaning).

The only nit I had was I found the use of revealing too loose for the intent behind what i read into the suggestion. (...and yes by this I mean those blasted "ing" things again!).

A lovely read AJ.

[Todd]

Hi Ella,

Poetry for fun doesn't require a critique I know, so bear with me: I think your title though eliminates the need for a lot of S1, and I like S2 a lot. Maybe:


We met at the Met
Monet and mirrors
serendipitous mixture
your ringing laughter
Demuth's Five, Segal figures
Japanese morning glories
revealing what lies beneath
warriors' hearts intertwined

Just a thought,

Todd

[ellajam]

Thanks for reading, AJ, nitpick away, that's the fun of this place. I appreciate your gentle comments.

Ha, Todd, foiled by a title again. I tack them on here so as not to name the thread Untitled, but don't think about the effect they have on the poem. Maybe if I thought of better titles I wouldn't have to drop so many opening lines.

Thanks as always for your great editing ideas, even in Fun you guys make me work.