Lex Luthor: On Why We Fall (Revision)

[Todd]

Revision

The seedling may angle upward toward the light
for the reason that we climb mountains.
This world though is not a Skinner box.
We do not ascend for the pellet of reward,
but that we might fall. This was human
evolution before the alien came
to catch us,

and I’m the villain?

You search the skies for your Savior,
while I stand before you
in unadorned Armani.
You fancy that he is a bird, a plane.
You dream of flight and forget
that failure is ascent, and every precipice
ends in the pit,
as it will for this dying son
of a dying world. This jaundiced
Morning Star will crack the eastern sky,
and then I will dream

of bodies in free fall
under a red sun.

~~~
Edit: Went with something a little different, not sure if it's moving in the right direction or not.


Original

It is not important that we climb mountains,
but that we fall. This was human
evolution before the alien came
to save us from it. He’s there
to catch us, and I'm the villain?
I'm the only Savior; I just don’t wear it
on my Armani. You believe
he's the best of us—this Pinocchio,
this media construct. You search the skies,
see the clouds part,
and ask if he’s a bird, or a plane.
You dream of flight and forget
that failure is the seed of our ascent.
I also dream of the precipice and the pit,
and of bodies in free fall
under a red sun.

[billy]

i had a quick read before todd and am now back to have a few more.
i enjoyed it, if feels sort of true to lex, precipice and the pit, reminded me of the pendulum and the pit (a horror story). i like the argument lex uses stating that if we don't fall we don't learn (grow) that we need to fall and superman is stunting who and what we can become.
just a few minor nits really todd
thanks for the read.

It is not important that we climb mountains,
but that we fall. This was human
evolution before the alien came i like this line a lot, the reader is already being turned, superman is an outsider.
to save us from it. He’s there from it feels redundant because of the to catch us, (how could he catch us if we hadn't fallen?
to catch us, and I'm the villain? i think [and I'm the villain?] deserves it's own line with a line space above and below it (just to make it pop)
I'm the only Savior; I just don’t wear it
on my Armani. You believe clever and it it works well, i like the enjambment as well. fashion is the modern bible
he's the best of us—this Pinocchio, i didn't get pinocchio?
this media construct. You search the skies,
see the clouds part, no need for [the]
and ask if he’s a bird, or a plane. no need for [and],[a] or [a]
You dream of flight and forget
that failure is the seed of our ascent.
I also dream of the precipice and the pit, is [also] needed. i'm on the fence as to if the [the's] are needed
and of bodies in free fall
under a red sun.

[Erthona]

Todd,

This part is good:

"I also dream of the precipice and the pit,
and of bodies in free fall
under a red sun."

The rest just seems to obvious and too contrived.

It's a decent idea, (devil is god, god is devil), but there is just no feeling of inspiration about it, until that last part.


Dale

[Todd]

Billy & Dale, I appreciate the comments. This is something I wrote some time ago. I was struggling with balancing the villain's monologue with the imagery. Let me push this the other way, and see if that takes us somewhere.

As always, thank you for the feedback.

Best,

Todd

---

The revision is up.

[Malu]

Revision

The seedling may angle upward toward the light
for the reason that we climb mountains.
This world though is not a Skinner box. Taking me back to high school psychology, good times good times
We do not ascend for the pellet of reward,
but that we might fall. This was human Good insight, reminded me of The Dark Knight "Why do we fall Sir, so that we learn to pick ourselves up" Great trilogy, and it's also super hero related so I think that goes well here.
evolution before the alien came
to catch us,

and I’m the villain? good

You search the skies for your Savior,
while I stand before you
in unadorned Armani. The clothing brand? Just for description, or is there more to this?
You fancy that he is a bird, a plane. Classic, this will never get old. Over 70 years of Superman publications, and it's still going strong
You dream of flight and forget Since you mentioned Skinner's box, I was thinking psychology. Fight or Flight, probably not the meaning here, but I think it could add something. Dreaming of flight/safety/freedom, and forgetting, so that means fighting/conflict. Or forgetting how to fight? I think this has potential to be interoperated numerous ways in this context. But I'm probably getting extraneous here.
that failure is ascent, and every precipice
ends in the pit, These two lines stood out, great wording
as it will for this dying son
of a dying world. This jaundiced
Morning Star will crack the eastern sky,
and then I will dream

of bodies in free fall
under a red sun.
Got a little confused with these last four and a half lines

~~~
Edit: Went with something a little different, not sure if it's moving in the right direction or not.

I think you're going in the right direction, I enjoyed the depth and imagery of this poem, they story/message of course was also well-constructed. Thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Hi Malu, I appreciate the critique. Love your read on fight/flight and the Skinner box, and I'm gratified that it feels to you like it's going in the right direction--editing is always tricky. I'll wait to see if there's any more comment before coming back to explain the last 4 1/2 lines (so I don't prejudice the interpretation).

Thank you again.

Todd

[tigrflye]

Revision


The seedling may angle upward toward the light
for the reason that we climb mountains.
This world though is not a Skinner box.
We do not ascend for the pellet of reward,very good: the Skinner box, pellet, etc
but that we might fall. This was human
evolution before the alien cameI really like that he is referring to Superman as "the alien". This gave me a smile tho I wish it was "meddling alien" or interfering alien or alien menace ..obtrusive..nuisance..you see where Im going.
to catch us,

and I’m the villain?I like this.. by itself. "Take a moment, folks..think of the irony"

You search the skies for your Savior,
while I stand before you
in unadorned Armani. Okay, so I know what you mean by this, but I was a bit confused on my first read through. Unfortunately, I read the original next and went "OH!" so I don't know how long it would have taken my light bulb to turn on if I hadn't had the original. Its more cleaned up/ compact this way.
You fancy that he is a bird, a plane.
You dream of flight and forget
that failure is ascent, and every precipice
ends in the pit,
as it will for this dying son
of a dying world. This jaundiced jaundiced Morning Star? Uhh..what does this mean. Feels like a riddle. Is it kryptonite? But that's usually green not yellow.. of course ..creative license and all.. I'm missing something
Morning Star will crack the eastern sky,
and then I will dream

of bodies in free fall
under a red sun.same thing..what am I missing? Was Superman called" red son".. is it a play on that? Or that superman gets energy/power from the yellow sun?

~~~
Todd,
I really like it. I do think it is clever. You've been generous to give feedback on my writing and I wanted to payback a bit. There isn't much for me to "criticize" as it is very clean. I am anxious to know what the ending means.. does it require a super-fan to figure out?
Keep it up and thanks for sharing,
Jenn

[Todd]

Jenn,

Yeah it would require some knowledge of the comic book (that neither validates nor invalidates I guess the execution)...

Jaundiced yes yellow and ties in with the ending. Superman gets his powers from the yellow sun. Morning Star (a reference to Lucifer and the falling like lightning comment of Jesus). The red sun circled Krypton and made the people like normal humans. The yellow sun is the source of his powers. So you were on the right track.

I appreciate the critique.

Best,

Todd

[bena]

I think I've stopped by too late to help you....you've gotten great advice and I personally believe you are moving in the right direction.

mel.

[Todd]

Thanks Bena, it's nice to know someone thinks it's moving in the right direction. Editing can be a fog sometimes. Appreciate you stopping by to comment.

Best,

Todd