Memory Garden

[tigrflye]

Edit (in progress):
Above a crispy flock of flipping leaves,
the sky was smokey gray.
The soil was hard and gaping open
like a mouth in shocked dismay.
My scanty foliage shriveled brown and dry,
descending to the ground;
Determined to survive the world this way
although my roots were bound.
Impassive gusts of wailing wind would beat
my face with no refrain.
The prickly dust, a choking cover up
until the day you rained.

Your tender mist, honeysuckle sweet,
began to fill the rift,
and then my birthing thirst was jarred unloose
to openly accept your gift.
In breaking sun, amongst the carpet-grass,
I blossomed whole, anew.
I spread my petals: pink, exposed and pale
to bathe in earthy dew.
Repressed no more. I flourished unashamed
while feeling like a rose,
but seasons drift away. You would not stay
to save me from the snow.
The chill was quick and while I wilt again,
I writhe in piercing pain.
Aloud, I shriek, "It hurts me more to suffer
with the memory of your rain!"

Original:
Above a flock of crispy, flipping leaves,
the sky was tortured gray.
The soil was hard and gaping open like
a mouth in shocked dismay.
My scanty foliage shriveled brown and dry,
descending to the ground;
determined to survive the world this way
although my roots were bound.
Impassive gusts of wailing wind would beat
my face with no refrain.
The prickly dust and woe endured like this
until the day you rained.

At first, you hesitantly misted down,
sinking into the rift,
and then my birthing thirst was jarred unloose
to openly accept your gift.
In breaking sun, amongst the carpet-grass,
I blossomed whole, anew.
I spread my petals: pink, exposed and pale
to bathe in earthy dew.
Repressed no more. I flourished there unashamed
while feeling like a rose,
but seasons drift away. You would not stay
to save me from the snow.
The chill was quick and while I wilt I think
about this agonizing pain.
Aloud, I shriek, "It hurts me more to suffer with the
memory of your rain!"

[RyanRader13]

Angsty and well written, If it were done without the metaphor of the flower and the rain i feel it would be a bit cliche but it has an enjoyable twist, I like the meter though at times it got me a little dribbled but its not you its me. well done I got a great picture in my head through the whole thing

[tigrflye]

Thank you Ryan. The meter might very well "dribble" a bit.. I don't claim to be great at it.
I'd even appreciate some insight on the "flourished there unashamed" line. I'm not sure it works.

[RyanRader13]

Lets see... I like it, I think it gives a feeling of confidence and fits with the story of the piece, with the tune and metering it does kinda sound a bit clunky but I can't bring myself to tell you to change it. try to see how you would feel if you dropped 'there' from that line i think it throws it off slightly. at the beginning of the second section the syllables in the lines get thrown of a little but i feel like its not noticeable until you reach that line in particular. but i may be hearing it differently in my head

[Todd]

Hi Jenn,

A few comments about your poem. I'm sure others will weigh in.

Above a flock of crispy, flipping leaves,--I get edgy when I see this many modifiers in a poem. They begin to feel like filler to me. I think the important word here of the two is flipping. I like crispy leaves but I sort of get that from the line about the foliage (not entirely but if crispy must go in I would look to convey it in another way).
the sky was tortured gray.
The soil was hard and gaping open like--I realize you're rhyming throughout but I'm not a fan of the break on like
a mouth in shocked dismay.--The picture you create however I do like. Shocked dismay almost gives it a comical read so that may not be entirely what you're going for (may just be me)
My scanty foliage shriveled brown and dry,
descending to the ground;--So, a repeat of the first line's content in a way. It makes me wonder if the repetition of thought helps you, and if you need both parts
determined to survive the world this way
although my roots were bound.
Impassive gusts of wailing wind would beat--I like that wailing implies sound
my face with no refrain.
The prickly dust and woe endured like this--Again I know I get down on modifiers but I like prickly dust quite a bit. Woe endured like this may be better replaced with something the prickly dust does to the speaker
until the day you rained.

At first, you hesitantly misted down,--I hate hesitantly. I would rather you use figurative language to convey the idea
sinking into the rift,
and then my birthing thirst was jarred unloose--love this line
to openly accept your gift.
In breaking sun, amongst the carpet-grass,
I blossomed whole, anew.
I spread my petals: pink, exposed and pale--Three adjectives in a row seems too many though I guess by now you see my bias. They almost work for me, but not quite.
to bathe in earthy dew.
Repressed no more. I flourished there unashamed--there feels like it should be cut
while feeling like a rose,
but seasons drift away. You would not stay
to save me from the snow.
The chill was quick and while I wilt I think--This is a too fast transition from snow for me. While I wilt I think feels awkward also
about this agonizing pain.--Again probably more vague than it needs to be
Aloud, I shriek, "It hurts me more to suffer with the
memory of your rain!"--I like the last two lines very much though the break on the isn't good. Content and phrasing though I like.

I liked the poem, even if it may not sound like it at points. Hopefully, the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[tigrflye]

Ryan, I tried that. Thank you!

Todd,
Your comments are deeply appreciated. Always. I made some of the easier edits and I will ponder the rest.
Can I have a "crispy flock of flipping leaves"? Hahaha.
Its so much harder with meter and feet..
Moving "like" to the next line fixed the line break but I think it may have effed up the feet. Which I will allow if the rest of our community doesn't attack it
Perhaps taking a break from it for awhile will freshen up my brain. Trying hard will wear ya out.

[jringo_]

Edit (in progress):
Above a crispy flock of flipping leaves, CRISPy FLOCK of FLIPping leaves... wonderful
the sky was tortured gray. tortured gray means nothing, find something solid?
The soil was hard and gaping open gaping seems like a filler
like a mouth in shocked dismay. shocked dismay is also ethereal
My scanty foliage shriveled brown and dry, niiiiice
descending to the ground;
Determined to survive the world this way
although my roots were bound. gorgeous
Impassive gusts of wailing wind would beat Impassive is a filler
my face with no refrain.
The prickly dust, a choking cover up
until the day you rained. I LOVE THIS PUN

At first, your mist was slow and tender-sweet,
sinking into the rift, "Sinking" throws the meter you've so wonderfully established. It should be an iamb, "sinking" is a trochee.
and then my birthing thirst was jarred unloose
to openly accept your gift.
In breaking sun, amongst the carpet-grass, Carpet-grass, now that's something solid. Amazing image
I blossomed whole, anew.
I spread my petals: pink, exposed and pale
to bathe in earthy dew. Very romantic language! <3 it
Repressed no more. I flourished unashamed
while feeling like a rose, I'm confused by the counter-point. Are roses usually ashamed?
but seasons drift away. You would not stay
to save me from the snow.
The chill was quick and while I wilt again,
I writhe in piercing pain.
Aloud, I shriek, "It hurts me more to suffer
with the memory of your rain!" THE REPETITION OF THIS PUN IS EVEN BETTER! AHHH!

You have structured a very rhythmic poem, though you do deviate from it from time to time. As such, you seem to use fillers, or words that add little but to the rhythm or meter. I enjoy this poem =) but I would suggest writing it out in paragraph form, reading it aloud, finding the words that just don't need to be there, take them out, relineate it, then decide to keep the meter or not.

[FractalPacifist]

Overall thoughts: great rhyming. It doesn't feel forced, which can be difficult to accomplish. I'm no master at meter, so I didn't comment in that area, but this read very well.

As I mentioned about the ending in my lin-by-line notes, I would have preferred something slower and stuttering; a death by freezing in the snow happens over time, as opposed to something sudden. I guess I just felt like the shriek was a bit jarring - but maybe that's what you were going for. ^_^

Above a crispy flock of flipping leaves,
the sky was tortured gray. Not sure if I like "tortured gray" or not. On the one hand, "tortured" helps set the mood. On the other hand, "tortured grey" is a semi-commonly used expression, and I'd like to see something more creative.
The soil was hard and gaping open I think the word "was" weakens this line, even if it helps keep to the meter.
like a mouth in shocked dismay.
My scanty foliage shriveled brown and dry,
descending to the ground;
Determined to survive the world this way
although my roots were bound. I really likes this pair of lines.
Impassive gusts of wailing wind would beat
my face with no refrain.
The prickly dust, a choking cover up I stuttered a little on "choking cover up", but that might be just me.
until the day you rained.

At first, your mist was slow and tender-sweet,
sinking into the rift,
and then my birthing thirst was jarred unloose I do like "birthing thirst.
to openly accept your gift.
In breaking sun, amongst the carpet-grass,
I blossomed whole, anew. I agree with others - this flower metaphor is a good one. Keep it. ^_^
I spread my petals: pink, exposed and pale
to bathe in earthy dew.
Repressed no more. I flourished unashamed Perhaps a comma after "repressed" instead of a period, or a comma after "dew"?
while feeling like a rose,
but seasons drift away. You would not stay
to save me from the snow.
The chill was quick and while I wilt again,
I writhe in piercing pain.
Aloud, I shriek, "It hurts me more to suffer Part of me feels like the ending would have been better with a slow, dying breath, instead of a shriek.
with the memory of your rain!"

[tigrflye]

Jringo,
You are so right about needing to change "sinking". By Golly I missed that!
No, roses aren't usually ashamed.. I was trying to give the impression that she is a regular flower..the rain made her feel safe, healthy, special.. she spread her pink petals for him(the rain).. unashamed, because he made her FEEL like a rose. I will look more at "tortured gray".

FP (Lexi)- I will look at " tortured gray". That part came so easily to me, like it was exactly how I pictured it, what I wanted to convey.. but if it isn't working for the reader then I really must give it more thought.
The ending.. well, what I wanted to say with this poem was basically, is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? No.. because now you know what you are missing. So in my mind, the flower isn't dead at the end, just wilting again as the seasons change, but now it hurts so much more because unlike in the beginning, now she has memory of the rain. Piercing pain = shriek.
Perhaps I could find a better way to elaborate to make that more clear.

To both of you - thank you for taking the time to read and crit my poem.
Jenn