Night Out

[Wjames]

I missed the last train
when I stopped to think.
It could have rained but never did.
Sleep on a bench
finished the night.

[leftover sushi]

I wouldn't change anything. It's perfect for what it is. However, I'd like a reason to care about the narrorator. As it stands, I don't care if he sleeps on a bench for the night.

[rowens]

These kinds of poems you've been writing are growing with you. With the first two lines, I was thinking it was going to go somewhere with both a train and a train of thought. I missed a train of thought when I stopped to think; that's interesting. Did you mean to do what you did with Sleep and finished, instead of slept? It's not incorrect the way you have it, depending on how you read it. At least not for me. But what was your idea with that?

[Wjames]

These kinds of poems you've been writing are growing with you. With the first two lines, I was thinking it was going to go somewhere with both a train and a train of thought. I missed a train of thought when I stopped to think; that's interesting. Did you mean to do what you did with Sleep and finished, instead of slept? It's not incorrect the way you have it, depending on how you read it. At least not for me. But what was your idea with that?

I like the ring of:

Sleep on a bench
finished the night.

With Slept:

Slept on a bench
to finish the night.

The narrator didn't sleep specifically "to" finish the night, and you have to sort of use "to" with slept.

[rowens]

All right. Sleep finished the night. I was reading it: You slept on a bench and finished the night.

I imagined an invisible comma there for some reason, and was reading it like one of those short form poems.

Sleep on a bench
finished the night

---

The first two lines, you are active. Kind of active. You missed, you stopped. Then there's a transition with the line about it not raining; then the last two lines just comment on what sleep did. Your sleep. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a nice effect if you think awhile about it. Though others might find something wrong with it, and if so, let them explain why.

These short poems with little detail can be strong. Just keep working with them, I think you can take them somewhere.

[ScurryFunger]

I missed the last train
when I stopped to think.
It could have rained but never did.
Sleep on a bench
finished the night.

missed - past tense

slept on a bench

[rowens]

Sleep is a noun here. But I read it that way the first few times too. As slept. But I already said that. There's not a lot here to work with, but it's worth a try getting at this style of poem. I already said that too. But it's still worth it.

[Wjames]

I missed the last train
when I stopped to think.
It could have rained but never did.
Sleep on a bench
finished the night.

missed - past tense

slept on a bench

Finished - past tense

[ScurryFunger]