As the Gods of Man Reclaim Earth

[metalfan91]

edit

Our machines have forsaken us
And stand, monolithic

The atmosphere sears
A pyramid metroplis sags
Bleeding itself

Marduk’s horrid roar ignites
Rims of magma that rupture the soil
As Gaia absorbs her plundered oil

Vast chronicles are lost to the tidal forces of Tlaloc
As bolts of light return to Jupiter’s palm
Born in the thunderclap of space-time creation

Yahweh sighs as other Creators mourn
A much-scorned experiment

Others forsee Genesis
In humanity’s lament...

Where all can be gods

Original

We leapt into the abyssal void
Where our machines have forsaken us

Searing in the altered atmosphere
Monolithic, the pyramid Metropolis sags as it bleeds itself

The embalmed lithosphere crumbles in Marduk’s horrid roar
Electricity returns to Jupiter’s palm
Born of the thunderclap creation of Space-time

Chronicles are lost to the tidal force of Tlaloc
Gaia absorbs her oils and heals the malnourished soil
As the gods of Man reclaim Earth

Yahweh sighs as other Creators mourn a much-scorned experiment
And yet some see the Genesis of a new world in Humanity’s lament...


...Where all will be gods



--------------------------
Tlaloc - Aztec water deity
Gaia - Greek earth //
Jupiter - Roman sky //
Marduk - Babylonian //
Yahweh - Hebrew creator //

[Todd]

Hi metalfan,

You've got a few lines here you can work with. Here are some comments for you:

While all lines need to be good, your opening line has to surpass everything even the close. It has to draw us in.

We leapt into the abyssal void isn't your best choice. First off void in all its forms is fairly predictable in poetry. You also introduce a We that you never develop. It may be better to go with your second line.

(slight adjustment) Our machines had forsaken us

Okay now that's a cool start. Science wasn't the path after all, and we're moving back toward something more primal.

I'd suggest keeping your concepts together though:

Example:

Our machines had forsaken us
Born of the thunderclap
A creation of space-time
Electricity returns to Jupiter's palm

I haven't bothered to punctuate which you could do yourself. I'd concentrate less on the buffet of deities and develop what they do more in the poem.

I'm not sure if this helps much, but I don't want to overdo the advice in this forum. Let me know if I can clarify more or help.

Best,

Todd

We leapt into the abyssal void
Where our machines have forsaken us

Searing in the altered atmosphere
Monolithic, the pyramid Metropolis sags as it bleeds itself

The embalmed lithosphere crumbles in Marduk's horrid roar
Electricity returns to Jupiter's palm
Born of the thunderclap creation of Space-time

Chronicles are lost to the tidal force of Tlaloc
Gaia absorbs her oils and heals the malnourished soil
As the gods of Man reclaim Earth

Yahweh sighs as other Creators mourn a much-scorned experiment
And yet some see the Genesis of a new world in Humanity's lament...


...Where all will be gods



--------------------------
Tlaloc - Aztec water deity
Gaia - Greek earth //
Jupiter - Roman sky //
Marduk - Babylonian //
Yahweh - Hebrew creator //

[FayandFire]

We leapt into the abyssal void
Where our machines have forsaken us

Searing in the altered atmosphere
Monolithic, the pyramid Metropolis sags as it bleeds itself

The embalmed lithosphere crumbles in Marduk's horrid roar
Electricity returns to Jupiter's palm
Born of the thunderclap creation of Space-time

Chronicles are lost to the tidal force of Tlaloc
Gaia absorbs her oils and heals the malnourished soil
As the gods of Man reclaim Earth

Yahweh sighs as other Creators mourn a much-scorned experiment
And yet some see the Genesis of a new world in Humanity's lament...


...Where all will be gods



--------------------------
Tlaloc - Aztec water deity
Gaia - Greek earth //
Jupiter - Roman sky //
Marduk - Babylonian //
Yahweh - Hebrew creator //

I really enjoy the idea of your poem. I love that " electricity returns to Jupiter's palms" I wish I had some helpful critique for you but I simply don't know enough about poetry and am new to the whole thing. looked like Tod had some god advice though.

[metalfan91]

We leapt into the abyssal void
Where our machines have forsaken us

Searing in the altered atmosphere
Monolithic, the pyramid Metropolis sags as it bleeds itself

The embalmed lithosphere crumbles in Marduk's horrid roar
Electricity returns to Jupiter's palm
Born of the thunderclap creation of Space-time

Chronicles are lost to the tidal force of Tlaloc
Gaia absorbs her oils and heals the malnourished soil
As the gods of Man reclaim Earth

Yahweh sighs as other Creators mourn a much-scorned experiment
And yet some see the Genesis of a new world in Humanity's lament...


...Where all will be gods



--------------------------
Tlaloc - Aztec water deity
Gaia - Greek earth //
Jupiter - Roman sky //
Marduk - Babylonian //
Yahweh - Hebrew creator //

I really enjoy the idea of your poem. I love that " electricity returns to Jupiter's palms" I wish I had some helpful critique for you but I simply don't know enough about poetry and am new to the whole thing. looked like Tod had some god advice though.

Thanks for the input. I'll try a first edit.

[jdguyb]

I don't like the fact that you rhyme randomly. Try it without any rhymes I think it would be better that way. The rhythm shifts back and forth also.

[Poetborn]

I thought that the poem voiced or gave a great description of the of how the events of life has changed our mother earth

[metalfan91]

Thanks for the input people. I'll try to implement those suggestions, but I can't make any promises. I'm glad some of you enjoyed.

[Elsie Fillmore]

I'd rearrange the wording in second stanza of the edited poem.

"The atmosphere sears
A pyramid metroplis sags
Bleeding itself"

=A pyramid metropolis sags
Under an atmosphere searing
Bleeding itself

Or something like that/ the rest of the poems flow is good.

[metalfan91]

I'd rearrange the wording in second stanza of the edited poem.

"The atmosphere sears
A pyramid metroplis sags
Bleeding itself"

=A pyramid metropolis sags
Under an atmosphere searing
Bleeding itself

Or something like that/ the rest of the poems flow is good.

That's a good idea, Elsie! I will try something like that.

[lineman10]

First off, love the username, this sounds like it could be a power metal song or something. Very interesting idea tying gods of different beliefs together, but perhaps a bit more on the machines forsaking us and how that works into this apocalyptic wrath of gods scenario. And as jdguyb stated, the random rhyming is quite odd for me as a reader as I keep looking for more rhymes throughout your poem.

I'd love to see more of the types of poems!