Ex-Cop

[Wjames]

I wrote this thing a while ago. I'd like to add another stanza or two, but can't seem to do so without butchering what I already have. I think it can sort of stand on it's own as a vignette though.



I used to be a cop;
prowling the Mardi Gras
tumbleweed of small town Louisiana,
stopping every so often with my partner
for a large double-double and a sprinkle donut.

[Nick]

I wrote this thing a while ago. I'd like to add another stanza or two, but can't seem to do so without butchering what I already have. I think it can sort of stand on it's own as a vignette though.



I used to be a cop; Why the punctuation?
prowling the Mardi Gras
tumbleweed of small town Louisiana, Isn't the celebration held in the French Quarter of a large town (New Orleans)? Perhaps the cop is from a small town? And are there actually tumbleweeds in swampy Lousiana?
stopping every so often with my partner
for a large double-double and a sprinkle donut. Confetti sprinkle would help carry the carnival motif through the nailer.

I dig short tight stuff.
Every term, each line and all nuance must be deftly flung into the reader's eye to achieve contact.
My comments and questions are predicated on this desire to be touched by another's work.

[Spikerider]

I wrote this thing a while ago. I'd like to add another stanza or two, but can't seem to do so without butchering what I already have. I think it can sort of stand on it's own as a vignette though.



I used to be a cop;
prowling the Mardi Gras
tumbleweed of small town Louisiana,
stopping every so often with my partner
for a large double-double and a sprinkle donut.

it's more of a "story" to me than art with words (=poem). if I may suggest the "poem" should use words to let the reader EASILY guess that your a cop. try something like I go out pounding my beat once again... My handcuffs craving sinful skin... etc.