The Sun Has Set Slowly, But Fully Now (sonnet number two)

[alatos]

The sun has set slowly, but fully now,
beneath a scene of dim suburbs and sky.
I should be asleep, but I'm thinking of how
much it hurts: I never got to say goodbye.

I saw you, but I couldn't come near.
Time moved on, and my dreams faded away.
Trapped by my shyness, your beauty my fear,
what should have been love I doomed to decay.

I wipe off my tears as I think of your smile
that bright, warm Spring day when I gave you a rose.
Without you, alone, I dream for awhile,
as outside my window the cool, Fall wind blows.

Trapped with you, and only you, bound in memories,
my happiness is dying, dry as Autumn's leaves.

[leftover sushi]

The sun has set slowly, but fully now,
beneath a scene of dim suburbs and sky.
I should be asleep, but I'm thinking of how
much it hurts: I never got to say goodbye.

I saw you, but I couldn't come near.
Time moved on, and my dreams faded away.
Trapped by my shyness, your beauty my fear,
what should have been love I doomed to decay.

I wipe off my tears as I think of your smile
that bright, warm Spring day when I gave you a rose.
Without you, alone, I dream for awhile,
as outside my window the cool, Fall wind blows.

Trapped with you, and only you, bound in memories,
my happiness is dying, dry as Autumn's leaves.

You need to be more creative with your rhyming. In the first stanza alone, just think of how many times someone has rhymed now and how, and sky with goodbye. it's just boring to read rhymes like that because they are so predictable. sorry to be harsh.

[Snowbells]

Alatos,
in your sonnet I noticed the absence of consistent meter/feet. I would recommend to any aspiring sonnet writer to study the sonnets of the masters, just to get the idea. I think most English language sonnets are written in iambic pentameter. You do have the abab rhyming pattern correct except for the near-rhymed couplet. In general, even contemporary sonnets should resemble the traditional forms. Regards,
Jerry

[Wjames]

The sun has set slowly, but fully now,
beneath a scene of dim suburbs and sky.
I should be asleep, but I'm thinking of how
much it hurts: I never got to say goodbye.

I saw you, but I couldn't come near.
Time moved on, and my dreams faded away.
Trapped by my shyness, your beauty my fear,
what should have been love I doomed to decay.

I wipe off my tears as I think of your smile
that bright, warm Spring day when I gave you a rose.
Without you, alone, I dream for awhile,
as outside my window the cool, Fall wind blows.

Trapped with you, and only you, bound in memories,
my happiness is dying, dry as Autumn's leaves.

This sonnet didn't really do anything for me. Bland imagery, and forced cliché rhymes really hamper what you're trying to do. I did sort of like the closing image of Autumn's leaves however.