Black Sand Beach

[tectak]

Tect thanks for the feedback. Though the poem is not about dutch elm disease I do see why you would think so in the second stanza. Looking back at this poem I also thought the second stanza and the lack for first person narrative made it a bit confusing. I'll try and do another edit of this one and not botch it up. I typically find old poems lacking in clarity something I need to work on. Also I tried to break meter and rhyme in the poem to make it more consistant

Who is confused now? I refer you to your reply to marksworth
...but good egg, looking forward to the edit.
Best,
tectak

[Kutomba]

Your edit makes the words flow better and makes some parts more clear, but it also kills the poem. You talk about torn sneakers... and then write like you just discovered what a thesaurus is. The words are too formal and distant; they don't fit the poem. Your reader is envisioning an urban scene, so you should use down-to-earth language to reflect that.

I'll put notes into the poem itself:

Cement blocks underneath my torn sneakers. (Good image; I think you can make it better, however. Instead of just saying what's beneath what, add a verb into it. Say, for example, that cement blocks scrape against your skin through holes in your sneakers. It makes it more interesting.)
I breathe air as thick as dust. (Starting each of these lines with "I" makes it a little choppy. Try to rephrase this line. I'd make the air the subject; like, "thick dusty air chokes my lungs" or something like that. There's a lot of possibilities here.)
I stumble as I rust.

One decays like the withering sidewalk elm, (Don't use "one" here, it sounds awkward. "Decaying" worked fine.)
alive on the surface
with death at its rotten core. (This is a little repetitive. You don't need to say that death is at the core and that the core is rotten. You can remedy that though just by using a verb again to express death and the core as different concepts. For example, "death eating away at its rotten core", except a little more eloquent.)

With dust between my eyes. (Good image, but you used "dust" twice. I'd change it to something else.)
Mind wanders to deaths shadow.
Then I seem to concur. (These two lines are problematic; they hold very little meaning at all. The reader is easily lost here. What does "mind wanders to death's shadow" mean? I assume you mean to say that you're contemplating death, but this is not a good way of saying that. Try to return to how you had it in the original version of the poem, when you say you're "strolling through deaths
gaze". Don't use those same words, but use that same concept. I liked that phrase because it portrays death as a predator, and you as wary prey that's aware death's looking at you. You can possibly use a good metaphor there. Also, don't say "I concur". It's way too formal. Try to find a more interesting way to say you had a realization.)

Dreams are only as they seem. (What do you mean by this? That dreams are only dreams? I feel you could find a better way of putting this that will make it easier to understand for the reader. Make it seem like an "aha!" moment, over just a generic statement. "___... being as it seems" is a bit of a cliche.)
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure. (Rephrase this a bit, and use a different preposition. I think the image you're going for would work better if you showed death's shadow as being cast over the meadow of failure, rather than just being "in" it.)
Delusions, a snare. (Good finish.)

Remember not to alienate your reader, and to show, not tell.

[B888IE]

I like the flow of the poem overall. For me personally, I'm finding some of it too dramatic and would enjoy more subtlety to it (I think i'm really dramatic in my poems aswell). I like the three words you used 'withering sidewalk elm'. It gave some great imagery for me.

[Bunx]

Deiced to get rid of the edit. After thinking about it I think it is worse off and far from the original intent.

[amiwrite]

Edited



Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air thicker than dust.
I stumble as I rust.

Is it you that is rusting?

Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with me dying beneath.

the me is awkward, perhaps replace it with another word describing yourself, for example you could use 'my dying frame beneath' also, what exactly is alive on top?

Rubble between my eyes
strolling through deaths
gaze I realize.

add a comma after eyes, maybe don't add a period after 'I realize' because the pause is not needed in my opinion.

Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare.

how exactly is delusion a snare?

[somnium]

Too dreary for my liking, out to haunt or to seek death and failure, not really my style. Seems almost desperate and needy. I almost seek a light at the end of this dark tunnel, some hope, perhaps a rose amogst the death, the symbolism of survival of life as for me hope can be found in the dreariest of places.

[Bunx]

somn- desperate and needy mixed with death and failure? whats not to like?

[Bunx]

Holter Dam
is finished <3
I met a girl from Oakland
aka Mecca..

My nick name is Rob Curry
my real name...
Robbie Cave.

Sebastian,
Flalkor the white dragon himself
said..
"Let's call him Robbie"

My ideal spot for a beach date.. for you all watching and my new appreciation for Boise ID's Pie Hole..
There is a woman I have seen there..
I like, live Oakwood PM in Travois Village
my favorite restaurant in Craig,
the Frenchmen RIP, best chili burger.

Often times I don't charge rent. I'm a "mobile" home owner.
This is my park, good vibes all love you know.
You come here to get there. Garnet's Queen moved to Mexico.
Leaving her cat, the King of Shadows.. We cuddled whenever she left.
Sometimes I'd just pass out over there. I cried about the black bear
many times. Stealing trash is too easy, put a puzzle on that dumpster.
Locks are easy.

Mecca is home,
my...Walaa

-the book of bunx-

[BurningSh#t]

Hi Bunx. Might I ask what Walaa means please. I very much enjoyed this

[crow]

Yeesh this thread.

The best version of this poem was:

Holter Dam

Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air
as thick as
dust.
I stumble as I rust.

Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with us,
we
dye beneath.

Rubble between our eyes
strolling through
death
I realize.

Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in;
in
the plains failure.
Our delusion,
smoky glass.

Walaa saftey, and peace be with you
as it is with bunx

from the darkness
a light must
live...

Walaa.. flies
to softlandings.
Missoula, MT
———————
Bunx,

This version is 8x better than the original. And it’s better than the revisions that follow it. Please fix and elaborate this version. Discard the others.

Also, the dye/die pun is flimsy. Go with die.

This is a poem about death, and the life that struggles against it. Your initial embodiment is sapient machine that’s unhappily building a dam. The robot appears to dislike its job.

There are a dozen ways to make this poem awesome. This might be awesome, but it’s not a better version of the above:

Holter Dam
is finished <3
I met a girl from Oakland
aka Mecca..

My nick name is Rob Curry
my real name...
Robbie Cave.

Sebastian,
Flalkor the white dragon himself
said..
"Let's call him Robbie"

Fuck all that. Hit the middle version.

—-also, you can tell there’s something worth worrying about here because you’re getting all this feedback in basic.

[Bunx]

Edited again. I do love that I delete the edits as I go. Sorry everyone, also if you get a second or along time i've been re editing every poem I messed up while manic.

[carahmellow]

Holter Dam

Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air
as thick as
dust.
I stumble as I rust.

Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with us,
red
dye
Buffalo
beneath.

Rubble between our eyes
strolling through
death
I realize.

Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in; (This line break is throwing me off with the double 'in')

in
the plains failure.
Our delusion,
smoky glass.

from the dark black sand
all colors must
live...

[Video: https://youtu.be/ms2DQp3yKpI?si=eQu80DYfvrsn0w_Z]

I love the message of this poem... I think it is great, though I do think the line breaks are throwing it off bit and its messing with the readability and flow 

[Bunx]

Hey Carah thanks for the feedback! Been meaning to rework this one for a bit! I'll get to it