My Scythe Edit One!

[jdguyb]

Edit 1

My scythe is an exact copy
of the scythe Christ will use,
to reap the souls of man,
but for now, just demons
taste my blade of wrath

My blade brings me comfort
It gleams a deadly white light
When demons feel it slice
they scream in agony
soon they will be smitten

Will the dark forces ever stop?
The unrelenting pestering
It kills me inside but I
must remain stronger,
stronger than the darkness

All loss of faith and virtue
from the demons which attack me
I fight for this virtue
The demons suck it away
But my blade sustains me

So my scythe decapitates demons,
evil spirits, and all of the devils
smiling their evil grins in hell
they have no idea
what force I bring to them

They all must die, and
taste my blades wrath
they do not know what
they are getting into
I will not quit, I will be stronger

Christ will be watching over me
and hey he might even join the fray
Me and Christ, brothers of might
We fight for freedom
We fight for virtue



Original

My scythe is an exact copy
of the scythe Christ will use,
to reap the souls of man,
but for now, just demons
taste my blade of wrath

Will the dark forces ever stop?
The unrelenting pestering
It kills me inside but I
must remain stronger,
stronger than the darkness

So my scythe decapitates demons,
evil spirits, and all of the devils
smiling there evil grins in hell
they have no idea what force
what force I bring to them

They all must die, and
taste my blades wrath
they do not know what
they are getting into
I will not quit, I will be stronger

[cidermaid]

Hi jd..
As a Christian i get the idea of the poem but have to report that (for me) it reads a bit flat and uninspiring. I feel that given the huge amount of graphic demon pictures and violence laden films there are out there to draw inspiration from, perhaps you could paint us a more stimulating picture of a battle against spiritual darkness. (You know double edged swords wealded against darkened shaddow creatures with souless eyes...Something a bit more exciting than just calling them demons).
JMHO This poem need more images and less narrator agrandisment.

I will try and offer a few specific places where I think the poem needs images and some ideas for such

My scythe is an exact copy
of the scythe Christ will use, Tell me more about this weapon in your hand, does it sit light, is it a comfort, does it gleam as if with an inner light?
to reap the souls of man,
but for now, just demons
taste my blade of wrath How so do they taste it? Is it bitter, do they cry out or just wither away?

Will the dark forces ever stop?
The unrelenting pestering
It kills me inside but I How does it kill you, let me know how you feel, do you feel your inner walls of conviction crumble and wither because they dry up your fountains of hope?
must remain stronger,
stronger than the darkness What keeps you strong?...give me some encouragment

So my scythe decapitates demons,
evil spirits, and all of the devils
smiling there evil grins in hell Try to proof read for basic mistakes and typos (which did you want here? there or their?)
they have no idea what force
what force I bring to them Not sure why force is repeated this is confused.
They all must die, and
taste my blades wrath
they do not know what
they are getting into
I will not quit, I will be stronger Think this stanza is the weakest in terms of images and content. (Also where is Christ in this victory?...at least admit he gave you the blade

Please do not misinterpret these comments as negative. I like the idea of your poem subject and see plenty of potential to work with.
Keep writing and i look forward to any edits or further work you might do.
All the best AJ.

[whatispoetry?]

There are some interesting things here, but it isn't very compelling and there aren't many lines or images that are memorable. First thing I would suggest is to rewrite the first lines to read: "is the scythe Christ will use" so not only does it refer to the title but is more immediate, concise and poetic. You should also consider using more creative word choices. "reap" and "taste my blade of wrath" are flat and don't do a whole lot for the reader.

[Malu]

I'm really compelled by the meaning and the allusions being used to portray a very surreal image in my mind.

[milo]

I'm really compelled by the meaning and the allusions being used to portray a very surreal image in my mind.

This is not considered adequate feedback on the actual poem. Please cite specific examples of what you though worked or didn't work.

/mod