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ln meadows crushed by children running, we played the hiding game
until the suns found other things to tempt us in our draining innocence.
Soon moons became our chaperones; each turned the other way. We slipped
into our sharing, touching nakedness, lying for hours in chill-edged joy.
I tasted you and sucked pink clover, chewed the sweet white stems
of summer grass. You buttercupped your chin and made me do it, too.
There never was a rainy day. Memories hold no umbrellas but shaded
under blackened branch we stained our love on wet and silver bark.
On dull, damp days I put my arms around the same still living tree
and taste the cool but saltless drops; barely a mingled memory
of you, once licked so tenderly from warm and beaded brow.
I lie beside you every night and try to bring the pictures into frames;
without familiarity or unwanted fingers touching you awake.
Each morning we eat oatmeal and peaches, drink orange juice
and coffee from white cups. We never talk the way we used to do;
but I look lovingly on you and see things that I never saw before.
It still does not seem right, somehow.
tectak
2013
....from advice to milo...it just seemed llike a good end for a poem!
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Tom,
I cannot speak to the content per se (that is as it relates to milo), but I think I can comment upon the readability.
I have an inkling why you may have used "suns" and "moons", however, I think the disruption to the reading overrides any justification you might use to support their usage. I think there is enough ancillary phrases to accomplish your purpose, and if there is not then the point is moot. It seems to me if you are going to use the plural with sun and moon, then grass should also be plural in the following.
"I tasted you and sucked pink clover, chewed the sweet white stems
of summer grass."
I do like this image:
"Memories hold no umbrellas but shaded
under blackened branch"
It succinctly exemplifies, both how we perceive things when young, and also how we manipulate our memory for the desired outcome. Unfortunately some of your other images are not so artfully penned, and often border on the cliche. e.g. "on hot and beaded brow." At other times you include superfluous information, "saltless drops of rain". Do we need to be told that rain is saltless? In my reading of this all "saltless" did was cause me to search for connection to things that are salty, and no purpose was served. To try and define something by that which it is not, generally only confuses the image. If you were trying to play one condition off against another, there are better ways to accomplish this. Ways with which I know you are familiar, as I have seen you use them in other pieces successfully.
Towards the end this takes on a Prufrockian tone: "Each morning we eat oatmeal and peaches, drink orange juice
and coffee from white cups."
One begins to anticipate a conclusion regarding man's alienation from man, yet we are given only watered gruel and weak coffee:
"We never talk the way we used to do;
but I look lovingly on you and see things that I never saw before."
There are decent pieces in this pie, but it seems as though you lingered over it too long and the Muse deserted you, leaving you with the only options of taking refuge of drawing material from a Barbara Streisand movie or a Hallmark card. 
With love,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(09-06-2013, 12:10 AM)Erthona Wrote: Tom,
I cannot speak to the content per se (that is as it relates to milo), but I think I can comment upon the readability.
I have an inkling why you may have used "suns" and "moons", however, I think the disruption to the reading overrides any justification you might use to support their usage. I think there is enough ancillary phrases to accomplish your purpose, and if there is not then the point is moot. It seems to me if you are going to use the plural with sun and moon, then grass should also be plural in the following.
"I tasted you and sucked pink clover, chewed the sweet white stems
of summer grass."
I do like this image:
"Memories hold no umbrellas but shaded
under blackened branch"
It succinctly exemplifies, both how we perceive things when young, and also how we manipulate our memory for the desired outcome. Unfortunately some of your other images are not so artfully penned, and often border on the cliche. e.g. "on hot and beaded brow." At other times you include superfluous information, "saltless drops of rain". Do we need to be told that rain is saltless? In my reading of this all "saltless" did was cause me to search for connection to things that are salty, and no purpose was served. To try and define something by that which it is not, generally only confuses the image. If you were trying to play one condition off against another, there are better ways to accomplish this. Ways with which I know you are familiar, as I have seen you use them in other pieces successfully.
Towards the end this takes on a Prufrockian tone: "Each morning we eat oatmeal and peaches, drink orange juice
and coffee from white cups."
One begins to anticipate a conclusion regarding man's alienation from man, yet we are given only watered gruel and weak coffee:
"We never talk the way we used to do;
but I look lovingly on you and see things that I never saw before."
There are decent pieces in this pie, but it seems as though you lingered over it too long and the Muse deserted you, leaving you with the only options of taking refuge of drawing material from a Barbara Streisand movie or a Hallmark card.
With love,
Dale Suns and moons...simply to indicate passing time, as you surmised. It took time.
Grass....hmmm...already plural methinks. Blades of grass, not blades of grasses. Grasses implies poacea of differing species...I must think on this.
I accept fully the comments on close-to-cliche. I will adjust accordingly. The saltless word is clumsy. Trying to avoid words is like trying to be sincere. I was trying to avoid sweat...in every sense.
The milo reference is strained. I wrote a comment on a piece of his in which I suggested he ate oatmeal, drank orange juice, looked lovingly on the effort and perhaps he would see things he had not seen before. I liked what I wrote...that's allowed since I am now an immodest mod. I have a deal to be modest about
Best,
tectak
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Enjoyed the read. As Dale mentioned it is a tad Hallmarkish in spots, but not too blatantly, IMO. I love this:
"Memories hold no umbrellas but shaded
under blackened branch we stained our love on wet and silver bark."
"Soon moons" sounds to me like a Korean name.
Dan
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I was not actually suggesting that you make grass, grasses, I meant to do so made as much sense as the use of moons and suns.
I suspected you were alluding to sweating but you will receive no quarter from me on awkward usage. He who lives by the sword.....
"I wrote a comment on a piece of his in which I suggested he ate oatmeal, drank orange juice, looked lovingly on the effort and perhaps he would see things he had not seen before. I liked what I wrote..."
I think you should, it is a good line... well at least for an un-post-modernist
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 2,602
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Joined: Feb 2017
(09-06-2013, 06:12 AM)Owlster Bierce Wrote: Enjoyed the read. As Dale mentioned it is a tad Hallmarkish in spots, but not too blatantly, IMO. I love this:
"Memories hold no umbrellas but shaded
under blackened branch we stained our love on wet and silver bark."
"Soon moons" sounds to me like a Korean name.
Dan
I feel the same about yu-hoo-glue!
Thanks,
tectak
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