Something new, tell me what you think don't hold back

[Lycaeus]

I've got something to say,
But there's no one there to hear me,
I've got something to say,
But there's no one to listen.

I'm just a boy, only a boy.

In a world of depravity,
where I look anywhere and clearly see,
poverty, rapidly diminishing dignity
a dichotomy of fallacy,
a vast system out of balance,
a plastered sense of absence,
what is blasphemy,
if not blindness to humanity,
truth jammed in a dark cavity,
understand the family,
that we all are but can't grow to see,
an infertility of what the mind can be,
gaze into your individuality,
look for a singularity,
a serene sight of duality,
clear that to comprehend is futility,
for we are forever shrouded in ambiguity,
doomed to know only obscurity,
Still we can stand up and radiate bright,
Open our minds, our eyes, and take flight
Glad that life doesn't come without a fight,
Just look inside and find the light.

Yet I'm a boy, only a boy,
Idealistic and naive.

[Savanna]

I like it, and I understand its meaning, but I did get lost in the middle section of your choice of words..the many ending *ity* words kind of bundled over in me and I lost sight of what could have directed a more impacting view..I see the potential in your writing style for some reason. I am far from being an expert on any writing, but for some reason I feel that you have the potential to capture us in a way that will awaken deeper levels of self and life as one.

[Reilley]

Just one comment - poems are still made up of sentences, and the middle of this one is a seriously tortured, convoluted sentence. "What is blasphemy..." could easily begin a new sentence, for example. Having said that, I do like some of your phrasing, I think the line "a dichotomy of fallacy" is a brilliant phrase, I am inspired by it. ;-)

[Lycaeus]

Wasn't exactly sure what you meant Reilley, but changed it up anyway. Savanna looked over that part and saw that I went pretty off topic there, could be a completely different poem.

*edit*
I've got something to say,
But there's no one there to hear me,
I've got something to say,
But there's no one to listen.

I'm just a boy, only a boy.

In a world of depravity,
where I look anywhere and clearly see,
poverty, rapidly diminishing dignity.
A dichotomy of fallacy,
a vast system out of balance,
a plastered sense of absence.
What is blasphemy,
if not blindness to humanity,
truth jammed in a dark cavity.
Understand the family,
that we all are but can't grow to be,
an infertility of what the mind can see.
We can stand up and radiate bright,
open our minds, our eyes, and take flight,
be glad that life doesn't come without a fight.
Just look inside and find the light.

Yet I'm a boy, only a boy,
Idealistic and naive.

[leftover sushi]

This really needs some changes in punctuation and line breaks in my opinion.


I've got something to say,
But there's no one there to hear me, I've got something to say,
But there's no one to listen.

I'm just a boy, only a boy.

In a world of depravity,
where I look anywhere and clearly see,
poverty, rapidly diminishing dignity
a dichotomy of fallacy,
a vast system out of balance,
a plastered sense of absence, <(new stanza)
what is blasphemy,
if not blindness to humanity, truth jammed in a dark cavity, understand the family, that we all are but can't grow to see, an infertility of what the mind can be, gaze into your individuality,
look for a singularity,
a serene sight of duality,
clear that to comprehend is futility,
for we are forever shrouded in ambiguity,
doomed to know only obscurity,
Still we can stand up and radiate bright,
Open our minds, our eyes, and take flight
Glad that life doesn't come without a fight,
Just look inside and find the light.

Yet I'm a boy, only a boy,
Idealistic and naive.