Posts: 7
Threads: 2
Joined: Sep 2013
look at the empty child
that was the vibrant girl
eaten away and wasted
lying crippled on the floor
just show the empty child
and send her on her way
hope this makes her better
hope this makes her sane
because numbness is no better
then letting out the pain
now look for the empty child
to embrace her dying wish
and dont cringe back in horror
as she slashes her fucking wrists
weigh the heart of this empty child
watch it begging for demise
with each beat it will destroy her
with each thrump it tells a lie
because how can her heart be beating
when she doesnt feel alive
Posts: 19
Threads: 5
Joined: Sep 2013
OK, a couple of basic points - Capitalization and punctuation are still important, even in poetry. They control the mental flow of words for the reader. If you are going to use rhyme, make each rhyme count. "Half-rhymes" like wish/wrists weaken the overall strength of the piece. As does using rhyme in some stanzas and not others.
On the plus side, I can certainly feel the emotional pain you are trying to convey, but sympathy is lessened by use of the vulgarity. I think you can get the severity of the point across without that.
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." - Paul Dirac (1902 - 1984)
Posts: 15
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I think you need to pick a rhyme scheme and stick with it: avoid the "near rhymes" because they weaken the peace and undermine your "full rhymes" (is that what they're called? perfect rhymes?) - you should try to only use "near rhymes" only when absolutely necessary.
Ditch the swearing. I usually see expletives in poetry as unnecessary. They scream "I'm an angsty teenager!" They tend to work best in satire-esque poems and, honestly, in your use here, it doesn't add much. You can think of another two-syllable adjective to paint a better image there - something that really hits home.
"because numbness is no better
then letting out the pain"
It should be "...THAN letting out the plan." Than is comparative - "He's taller than a tree!"
You've got some work to do but keep up the great work. =]
-betalife
Posts: 12
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Joined: Sep 2013
I personally liked the vulgarity. i find that there is often too much emphasis on it being a "bad" word. when in truth, sometimes there is no word that better displays the exact feeling. i will say, that since there is only one, however, it may not be the best option. if you were to revise this poem and "cuss it up" just a bit, then the F-word would fit better. all in all though it felt very sincere. which would be hard to maintain if you cussed it up. but i liked it.
