secretkeeper
Unregistered
Do not wish to Sleep do I
Though nothing very urgent cries
And Heavy has long been my eyes
This silence oft broken by sighs
I do will to walk outside... yet,
No will is summoned to take stride
Instead I sit with time to bide
And wait for the world to rise
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Please read the site rules and offer feedback before posting a poem of your own / mod.
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(09-05-2013, 05:36 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Please read the site rules and offer feedback before posting a poem of your own / mod.
this is interesting. i like that the poem has a point to it. the rhyming seems a little forced to me. it could maybe do with a bit of expansion also. something to describe how the narrator is feeling as he wakes up might be good.
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(09-05-2013, 02:33 PM)secretkeeper Wrote: Do not wish to Sleep do I
Though nothing very urgent cries
And Heavy has long been my eyes
This silence oft broken by sighs
I do will to walk outside... yet,
No will is summoned to take stride
Instead I sit with time to bide
And wait for the world to rise
The rhyming is always a nice touch, along with good vocabulary such as oft. In terms of strengthening this poem, in my opinion I would say for the first part, use more detail to give the readers a more accurate image of what you are trying to have us visualize. For the second part, I would elaborate more on not leaving your bed and why exactly you aren't. The ending is nice to me, leaving a somewhat cliff hanger by saying "and wait for the world to rise" this could be interpreted in many ways and I like how you give the reader that option on a not really clear meaning, leaving it open for our own ideas and experiences to play out what would follow this story.
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The first line: "Do not wish to Sleep do I" confused me. I feel the line should begin with "I": "I do not wish to sleep". Why the "do I"? Is it a question the narrator asks him-/herself? I feel some some punctuation would help making things more clear. Some of the rhymes sounds forced to me, ie: "And Heavy has long been my eyes"; an awkward sounding line, because you forced the 'eyes' rhyme.
Just a few thoughts and JMHO.
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You messed up on the rhyme scheme in the second stanza
A
B
B
B
C
D
D
E
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." - Paul Dirac (1902 - 1984)
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I like it. It makes me think of the laziness I feel on weekends. When I can't sleep and yet I don't want to go out. The dreariness of the poem is very realistic
Bi aori adan fi sebo, ao lo obe
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I think you made a grammatical error. You say "And heavy has long been my eyes". I take it this is just "My eyes has long been heavy". So obviously what I'm thinking is change has to have.
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SK I have moved your original thread into this board as this was your request. / Mod.
If i could make a suggestion: you have already recieved some good pointers for editing purposes and that perhaps if you are serious about improving your poem, offer your readers an edit (on the top of this page above your original so that people can see what changes have been made). People are generally intersted in a poem once they have commented and will look back in over any edits, but nobody wants to keep re-reading something they have already commented on. AJ.
blueforest10
Unregistered
I can relate to the poem to some extent.
What could have been said in addition to it are underlying thoughts, the mental unrest, the dissatisfaction towards life. Then a reader like me could relate even more to the poem.
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(09-05-2013, 02:33 PM)secretkeeper Wrote: Do not wish to Sleep do I
Though nothing very urgent cries
And Heavy has long been my eyes
This silence oft broken by sighs
I do will to walk outside... yet,
No will is summoned to take stride
Instead I sit with time to bide
And wait for the world to rise
It's all a bit cliché with cries and eyes and sighs and such.
Why are you waiting for the world to rise?
It's hard to critique and sumerise,
'oft' is not a modern word
have you honestly not heard?
Biding time is commonplace,
I think you should take this up a pace.
I thought it was interesting to juxtapose the poem's matter against it's slightly forced rhymes. Was that intentional? After pondering a bit, I thought it made for good contrast. If it's what you're going for, I'd consider a way to make the contrast even clearer-- perhaps show us how lazy this sleepy feeling really can be?
