(Warning: offensive language.) A Dream I Never Had But Remembered Upon Wakening

[in-need-of-an-empire]

I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette burn between your fingers.
A brand that you don't particularly like or dislike
and you're smiling.
And I'm wondering why, but i can't speak.
And my skin begins to crack and shatter revealing beneath it
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
And the walls begin closing inpushing us closer and closer together.
But the floor between us starts to fall away as if the only thing that had ever been beneath it was the void.
And you're still lying there smiling,
but i can hear your voice.
And i can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful...
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
and wrap my jagged bones around you.
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way beneath my feet.
And I wake up.

[Volaticus]

Hi inoae,

I don't think you need the offensive language warning. Wasn't offensive to me.
I like what unfolds here in this poem, but it is very wordy and has some issues with redundancy. Too many and's too.
I've made some changes to the first part of your poem below. This is in no way meant as me taking over your poem and rewriting it, it's just to illustrate how I feel that the poem might get stronger, if you take out some of the superfluous words.

I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
a cigarette burns between your fingers,
a brand you don't like or dislike.
You're smiling,
I wonder why, but I can't speak.
My skin begins to crack and shatter,
revealing old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
The walls close in,
pushing us closer and closer together.

It's your poem and this is JMHO of course. I hope it's of any help.

Best,
LB

[btrudo]

I think everything might be here, it just needs sharpening...
I'm not so sure about the action at the end; I can't entirely make sense of the last 4 lines.
Here's a take of some sections (it's just my sight, I really do expect you to see it your way):

I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette, a brand that you don't particularly like or dislike,
burn between your fingers.
You smile
and I wonder, but I cannot speak
as my skin begins to crack, shatter, reveal
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
...
You smile
and I can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful, a calm within the storm.
Closer and closer and all I want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
...

I do think you have some fertile ground here. Just focus.

a few thoughts,
Bill

[in-need-of-an-empire]

Thank you both for your thoughts. Volaticus, the reason i was so redundant and wordy was to really try to drive in a sense of urgency. you see this poem was intended to be a spoken word bit. but i very much enjoy your take on it, and will consider something along those lines for when i decide to rewrite it.

Bill, the last four lines were meant to really drive in the hopelessness, so to speak. the poem mentions that the ground is falling away, and the walls are closing in. the only way our narrator can reach the girl on the bed is to somehow jump the void, but he has less and less space to get a running start, and the hole keeps getting wider and wider. I hope that helps you understand them a bit. but i really like "crack, shatter, reveal," i feel like those three words together really show the sense of urgency i was going for.

thank you guys so much.

[Reilley]

My only real critique is the repeated use of the word "And" to start so many lines. In my opinion instead of breaking those lines into separate thoughts, it tends to meld them in the mind's eye of the reader.

Your mileage may vary.

[metalfan91]

I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette burn between your fingers.
A brand that you don't particularly like or dislike
and you're smiling.
And I'm wondering why, but i can't speak.
And my skin begins to crack and shatter revealing beneath it
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
And the walls begin closing inpushing us closer and closer together.
But the floor between us starts to fall away as if the only thing that had ever been beneath it was the void.
And you're still lying there smiling,
but i can hear your voice.
And i can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful...
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
and wrap my jagged bones around you.
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way beneath my feet.
And I wake up.

I think the suggestions already made are very well-stated. The sentiment of this piece is something to admire, but I think the more concise you make this, the more potent the overall theme will be. If you trim this a bit, there will be more of a stream-of-consciousness quality to this. The closing line feels a tad cliche. I also don't think that the redundancy gives a sense of urgency. To be honest, it slows the reading quite a bit. If you'd permit me, I'd like to give you my take on the poem, as your first two commenters have.

[btrudo]

I wasn't trying to suggest you drop the ending; I just didn't want to offer an edit.

Read this:
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
and wrap my jagged bones around you.
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way beneath my feet.
And I wake up.

Is the following in the above passage?
the poem mentions that the ground is falling away, and the walls are closing in. the only way our narrator can reach the girl on the bed is to somehow jump the void, but he has less and less space to get a running start, and the hole keeps getting wider and wider.

I do think the image in your head would work, but it isn't on the page yet.

a thought,
Bill

[billy]

we're fine with a few expletives, but thanks for the consideration :J:

the fist thing i see is that the opening line is weak as a first line yet lines 2 and 3 are a lot stronger. a suggestion would be to simply remove the 1st line...this in turn make the title work a lot better. keep an eye on your spelling.

there's a lot to like about the poem but for me it's too wordy, strip out all the filler words and redundancies. lots of and's and buts, remove as many of them as you can, it will make your poem stronger and more interesting for the reader.
thanks for the read.

I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress, travelling
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette burn between your fingers.
A brand that you don't particularly like or dislike
and you're smiling.
And I'm wondering why, but i can't speak.
And my skin begins to crack and shatter revealing beneath it [beneath it] is redundant and not really needed
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
And the walls begin closing inpushing us closer and closer together. [in, pushing] this line feels wordy, a suggestion would be [And the walls close in, pushing us closer and closer.
But the floor between us starts to fall away as if the only thing that had ever been beneath it was the void.
And you're still lying there smiling,
but i can hear your voice.
And i can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful...
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
and wrap my jagged bones around you. this is a great image but jagged isn't a common word and this is the 2nd time you use it.
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way beneath my feet.
And I wake up.

[ChristopherSea]

I have dreams of you I would substitute something for 'dreams' to increase the drama of waking in the end
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette burn between your fingers.
A brand that you don't particularly like or dislike not certain of the significance of this smoking scene, indifference perhaps?
and you're smiling.
And I'm wondering why, but i can't speak.
And my skin begins to crack and shatter revealing beneath it
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
And the walls begin closing inpushing us closer and closer together. needs space and comma after 'in' and you could lose 'and closer' see what you think.
But the floor between us starts to fall away as if the only thing that line break after thing
had ever been beneath it was the void. 'void' is somewhat cliche in dark pieces
And you're still lying there smiling,
but i can hear your voice.
And i can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful... the fucking detracts for me
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress perhaps find substitutes for closer and unsheeted
and wrap my jagged bones around you. jagged again
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, cliche
but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way this beneath my feet. this line feels a bit long; maybe a break after gap; you need a comma after reach (could be another place for a line break
And I wake up.
[/quote]

Overall, it's effective. There's a bit a repetition that may be ok with some new word choices, Little 'i's make poems look like a 'little girl's' piece to me. The ending might be more effective with something like: 'And I wake up and go to work.'

[btrudo]

note on travel...
there are a few words with the "l" ending that can be spelled differently
traveling and travelling are both accepted spellings. What is considered more acceptable is probably based on where you are.

[billy]

yeah, i should check up more on how they screw with english abroad

[rowens]

In America, at least in some language textbooks and classes, people are instructed to spell with appropriate American spellings if you are in America.

A lot could be done in the middle of this, when the walls start moving and so on. It has elements that interest me. I like the long lines, too. As a fading dream, it has a decent effect.