Divine Pursuit

[Elsie Fillmore]

It's like standing on a tiptoe stretching,
arm out pulling from shoulder,
five fingers grasping,
awkward tension straining visage,
just barely maintaining semblance of reason or purpose,
phantom image of warmth inherently residing beyond.

It's a cruel contraption of grand design,
flailing like baby seals, brains bashed on rocks,
cocked-eyebrows and masks of aromatically-scented arrogance,
revolting likeness--gulping--stomach turned,
tired of the world.

[Volaticus]

Hi Elsie,
I must admit I stumbled a lot over the words in this poem. The punctuation just adds to the confusion.
Did you mean standing on tiptoes and stretching an arm out which pulls from the shoulder? If so, I think some commas need to be moved around. For me, it makes more sense if it was something like:

"It's like standing on tiptoes,
stretching arm(s) out, pulling from the shoulder(s),"

You could mean 'stretching out on tiptoes with arms pulling from shoulders'. If so, I still think the punctuation and words should be changed some.

I like the baby seal part in the second stanza, but once again the punctuation and wording confused me. Might just be me though.

JMHO of course.
Best,
LB

[Todd]

Hi Elsie, welcome to the site!

Here are some comments for you:

It's like standing on a tiptoe stretching, --on tiptoes maybe
arm out pulling from shoulder, --feels like it should be "from the shoulder
five fingers grasping,
awkward tension straining visage,--Now the poem shifts from an image explaining divine pursuit to telling us things. "Awkward" is awkward. I think it slides away from the imagery here and gets bogged down. If you could move back from the interpretation and stick with showing through the image I think the poem would be stronger. Just my thoughts on this
just barely maintaining semblance of reason or purpose,
phantom image of warmth inherently residing beyond.

It's a cruel contraption of grand design,--same with this here. Just go with the original and fun seal image (okay I'm morbid)
flailing like baby seals, brains bashed on rocks,
cocked-eyebrows and masks of aromatically-scented arrogance,--this feels too telling and too contrived
revolting likeness--gulping--stomach turned, --whereas, I sort of like this halting line
tired of the world.--again a crisp image to sum up would likely be a stronger choice, something that conveys the sentiment.

I'm not sure if that's helpful, but I hope it is.

Best,

Todd

[betalife]

I think your poem needs complete sentences, from an initial read. I had a difficult time following your poem.

[Savanna]

Hi Elsie, your poem creates a deep imagery, in the struggles of that space of feeling tired of life. I wasn't really concerned about its construction, but the imagery and feeling I felt, which I could sense through your share.

[rowens]

I like its swampiness, its muddledness, the way it stretches its lines out of joint and gnarls through with long thorny-vine words. And the awkward comfort of stretching out on tiptoe at the beginning, but I think of vision more than visage. But it has a good sound and look. I like how it doesn't quite overdo it. Though it's not completely finished feeling. Some of that, I still like.