The Birds of the Summer

[Expendable Youth.]

I'd appreciate some help on this one, thanks in advance.

Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side
of their bath
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heat
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity...
content to breathe.

[Keith]

I'd appreciate some help on this one, thanks in advance.

Fluttering frantically I get birds but what do they look like
nestled to the side nestled implies settled and quiet, not franticor fluttering
of their bath
filled to the brim seems cliché
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed eg a fat man in a bath tub, Archimedes principle etc.
refugees I like this idea
from the blistering summer heat seems cliché
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity...
content to breathe. these three lines give me nothing as a reader

Hi EY
I would first ask you to think about me the reader and work out what you want me to take from your poem. Clearly I can see the basic descriptions you give me, fledglings mum and dad in the hot garden using the bird bath, happy and content. This is not enough for me and although its a single nice image the line are predictable and a little bland. I have added some pointers to the text to help point out where I think you could give more.

One tool to use on a poem like this would be to compare the birds to people perhaps around a swimming pool. I hope this doesn't come across too negative as I enjoy poetry that is taken from a single glance such as this but you need to find a new way to look at it. Best TOMH

[Owlster Bierce]

I'm kind of a bird freak, and I watch them a lot, so in my view some of this poem doesn't ring true in regards to bird behavior:

Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side
of their bath

*When I see birds in a bird bath they are usually in the middle of it, or at least in various parts, and they don't "nestle."
They do what they need to do while being wary of danger, (predators) then leave.

filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heat
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity...
content to breathe.

*I hate the overuse of gerunds.
If the "family" is "content to breathe" why are they involved in so much activity in the previous lines of this poem?

*This is my first crit here, so just ignore it if you wish.

[EileenGreay]

I'd appreciate some help on this one, thanks in advance.

Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side Did you intend for the contradiction in states between frantic fluttering and nestling?
of their bath I think you need to think about what you want your lineation to achieve. 'Of their bath' as a single line gives the reader nothing - it's half an image.
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching Your approach to punctuation is interesting - you use it only three times in the entire poem, but don't seem to want to dispense with it entirely. If you want the poem to rush on in a single glimpse, experiment with removing punctuation entirely. Alternatively, if you want to produce more of a sense of structure, try inserting some more of it...
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heat
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity... why the ellipsis here? What is being left unsaid?
content to breathe.

Thank you for posting this here, Expendable Youth. I think there are some good aspects to your poem, but as a whole it reads as very sparse. As a reader I would like more of a sense of texture, sound, light - watching birds play in a summer garden is a sensorily rich experience, but your poem doesn't convey this richness of experience. Perhaps a good exercise would be to imagine that your are trying to convey this sight to someone blind. This might be likened to your relationship with the reader - you are trying to convey an experience, your sight and touch and smell etc., to someone who's just reading, someone who's not there. Make it vivid and personal. Explore metaphor and colour, and really try and shape this image.

As I've commented above, you would do well to interrogate your use of lineation: really try and work out why you're breaking a line, and what it's going to achieve.

I hope that some of this feedback is useful, and I really look forward to reading more of your poetry.

Eileen

[Spikerider]

I'd appreciate some help on this one, thanks in advance.

Fluttering is an entergetic movement & being followed by a quiet still word (=nestled) doesnt Jive w ea other & it doesnt seem to Fit into the poetic description at all. Also the word "refugees" brings to mind vietnam or a war, Not really where u wanted my mind to "go"..... Since u titled it w the word "summer" in it i would expect a mention of "Heat" or the "Sun" to further put me there, maybe say thats Why they are bathing?

Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side
of their bath
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heat
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity...
content to breathe.

[Erthona]

I know this is about birds, but all I could think of was that someone had just discovered alliteration

This line

"family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity...
content to breathe."

seems very ad hoc, since nothing that precedes this really has a connection to it. Additionally,it seems to act as though it is making a viola type of statement, yet in reality it seems to say little at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan,

I have read two of your poems, and it seems to me that instead of letting the subject come to you, you are deciding "oh, here is something I shall write a poem about". Even for practice such an approach is dubious at best, especially with free verse since it teaches you very little of what you need to know. I would suggest writing in the traditional forms as a practice format, at least you learn something of meter and rhyme, and it also helps to develop your ear, which will be invaluable when writing free verse. The thing is, without the skills, even if inspired one will lack the ability to do it much justice. It is like trying to paint with only one brush, and two colors. At best, imitating other writers of free verse, or formless verse more accurately, you will only graze the surface and you will never realize what lies beneath.
I don't say this in order to be disrespectful or mean, it just seems that this approach would benefit you the most at this stage of development.

(Feel free however, to disregard the above, view me as an arrogant and ignorant piss-ant, and call me nasty names if you so choose)

Dale

[btrudo]

I'd appreciate some help on this one, thanks in advance.

Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side
of their bath
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heat
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity...
content to breathe.

I do think some of the sounds quite nicely bring alive the moment...I think the alliteration is very appropriate.
Fluttering frantically
splashing, stretching, spilling
bath filled to the brim

Also refugee is a great word choice.

A question is where does this scene hold itself in the larger scene. I don't know if there is a large scene, but that's okay. The attempt at the end appears that you want to put this into a larger scene.

I removed some -ings to get more action...
here's a take on the scene (this is just based on birds splashing and doesn't incorporate what you have at the end):
Birds of Summer

A frantically fluttering family
at the edge of the bath filled to the brim,
their wings contract, stretch, splash and dash.
Leaping water dives to garden—play
for these refugees of blistering heat.

All I can say...write YOUR writing, though I do think some chaos and fun would be appropriate for this moment. Find that scene in your head and listen to the music of the action, your words. This can take some time sometimes.

a few thoughts,
Bill

[jringo_]

I'd appreciate some help on this one, thanks in advance.

Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side
of their bath
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heat
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity... I would replace the ellipses with a pronoun, noun, or descriptive clause. The suspense in wonderful in this poem, leading up to the verb "Content" (or bonding, read my suggestion below), which is great! But ellipses stop a poem dead in its tracks.
content to breathe.

As my boldness (haha) suggests, this poem seems all about suspense. Each line leading the reader to expect a conclusion, yet only leading to more descriptions forces (good thing) the reader to keep going. It's a wonderful quest for fulfillment. That fizzles, slightly. Also ABSOLUTELY LOVE the repetition: bonding in simplicity / in simplicity. WORK OFF THAT. For example:

...
bonding in simplicity.
In simplicity, fluttering, frantic,
content to breathe.

[Malu]

I'd appreciate some help on this one, thanks in advance.

Fluttering frantically I know these words don't have the same definition, but it seems a bit redundant. In my mind, something is usually fluttering due to a frantic reason, so I think one of these words can be substituted for something better
nestled to the side Fluttering to nestled, where are you going with this?
of their bath
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed I liked the imagery here, wasn't sure what kind of bath at first, but now that they are spilling I can picture that nice generic bird bath in the middle of a garden
refugees
from the blistering summer heat Also good
family
bonding in simplicity Often times that's the best way of bonding
in simplicity...
content to breathe. I don't think this is the strongest way to end this poem, I suggest adding a little more

All and all the imagery is alright, I think the story/message can be strengthened. There were a couple contradictory things. Also describing what these birds look and sound like, as well as more description about the setting would add to this. Hope these comments helped.

[jdvanwijk]

I'd appreciate some help on this one, thanks in advance.

Title feels a bit clunky. Maybe consider something like "Summer birds" as a title or something different altogether?

Fluttering frantically A bit of a tongue-twister compared to the rest of your poem.
nestled to the side The meaning of this line doesn't call for a line break here, I think
of their bath
filled to the brim Can you think of a more creative way to say this?
splashing, stretching "Stretching" I found a bit confusing, it caused a small stutter in my reading, it read like "stretching water" at first. (Hmm, which is actually a nice image. )
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heatI like "refugees from the (blistering) summer heat", maybe you could do without the word "blistering" and make the reader feel the blistering in an image?
family
bonding in simplicity"Family bonding in simplicity" I find a bit vague. Also the combination of "family" and "bonding" feels clichéd.
in simplicity...This repetition doesn't add to the meaning of the poem I think.
content to breathe.Good last line.

I think this poem needs work, but I like the message you're trying to communicate. The first half especially could be worked out I think, the descriptions feel a bit mundane, maybe you can describe the birds playing in a more creative way?

[Laura Marx]

The poem reminds me a little of Tennyson and his quaint, natural themes. It's nice to get that kind of poetry. I agree with everything everyone else has said - the images are contradictory. There is a place for that, of course - a la 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times' - but nothing in this poem really seems to beg juxtapositions. It's a little painted picture of birds in a birdbath and goes no deeper, so I don't know why there'd be irony. So, much of it just feels like a false syllogism. That aside:

Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side
of their bath as others have said - inconsistent. I might change all this to something like: 'Fluttering and frantic, then nestling to the side of their bath'
filled to the brim again, as already pointed out - hackneyed. But more than that: why is it there? It doesn't add much.
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed This is a really good line and this is the kind of thing you want to be going for here
refugees
from the blistering summer heat first of all: no need for a line break. Second of all: it's a little late to introduce a clever thing like, 'Oh, they are refugees from the sun' - I'd say; 'getting refuge from the blistering sun': it's a simple poem, keep it simple! Make it as shallow as the water in the birdbath
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity... Like Erthona said, this is presented like a viola moment but doesn't reveal anything. You repeat 'in simplicity' and drift off and wax reminiscent about it. It doesn't even really make any sense, it's vague and the first use of abstract language in the poem which makes it incongruous anyway; but that'd be fine if it was the climax, but it seems sort of added on. It's discordant and a little forced to explore the interpersonal relationships of a family of birds so late in the poem. All in all - it's not the right poem for these few lines.
content to breathe.

I agree with Erthona, that you'd benefit from exploring forms. When I was doing it I just bought a great big economy pad and filled it up with poems in form, experiments with meter, etc. They aren't particularly good, but I benefited a lot as a poet from it.

Otherwise I'd just recommend consistency: make up your mind whether you want this to be about chaotic, splashing, etc. or serene bathing; if it's about the philosophical nuance of birds at play, or if it's a distant summer scene. Don't worry about making it poetic.