Lunar Glow

[allykat727]

I’m loving Night,
for Moon is bright
and Sky is thick
with Clouds.

Yellow softens
darkened Blue,
blending, circling
Milk-White Moon.

And rainbow Light
shines out in rays
through billowed haze
of smoky Sky,
splitting shadowed,
blackened Night.

For when Moon’s light
takes ashen Sky,
flecks of silver emphasize
that beauty sits
in seas of Clouds
who beg and brood
‘neath dark Night Sky
and vibrate out
of Moon’s bright Light.

[milo]

Hello allykat, good to see you again. I hope you did well in your creative writing course.

I’m loving Night,
for Moon is bright
and Sky is thick
with Clouds.

it looks like you are attempting to anthropomorphicize Night, Moon, Sky and Clouds here(?). "for" definitely doesn't work here. "I'm loving" instead of "I love" is strange as well. It tries to identify with a specific instance which would lead to a narrative but it is never realised. There is nothing either new or original about bright moons in poetry.

Yellow softens
darkened Blue,
blending, circling
Milk-White Moon.

I confess, I can't figure out why you are capitalizing some words. So far. you have 2 stanzas describing the moon and the sky at night. Since there is really nothing new in the description and no symbolism or metaphor that I can make out, I am starting to wonder when we will get to the poem.

And rainbow Light
shines out in rays
through billowed haze
of smoky Sky,
splitting shadowed,
blackened Night.

Rainbows don't really exist at night, as far as I know. At this point, the endless description of your night is starting to get a bit boring.

For when Moon’s light
takes ashen Sky,
flecks of silver emphasize
that beauty sits
in seas of Clouds
who beg and brood
‘neath dark Night Sky
and vibrate out
of Moon’s bright Light.

"'neath" really has no place in modern poetry (with the exception of satire).

As a whole, I feel like this little vignette wastes too many words and doesn't really accomplish much. All I got from the whole poem is that your narrator likes pretty nights and the moon, but I don't think that is enough.

I feel like all of this could be condensed into a haiku and still say more through a juxtaposition.

Thanks for posting.

Good to see you again.

[ellz483]

Very interesting color imagery. However, I find it a bit more difficult to understand the purpose of the poem. In other words, what's the point you're trying to make about the moon an nighttime?

[btrudo]

I’m loving night, for moon is bright
and sky is thick with clouds.

Yellow softens darkened blue,
blending, circling milk-white moon.

And rainbow light shines out in rays
through billowed haze of smoky sky,
splitting shadowed, blackened night.

For when moonlight takes ashen sky,
flecks of silver emphasize that beauty sits
in seas of clouds who beg and brood
‘neath dark night sky and vibrate out
of moon’s bright light.

Nice use of variation on the rhythms here, though I'm not sure if they're backing any contrasts here.

some ideas...
I’m loving Night, for Moon is bright
Can you find another word for bright which shed more onto what the poem wants to show? The moon is expected to be bright in a poem. You can say "moon is bright", but in the context of this poem, there are probably too many phrases like this. I suggest not to rhyme here, but look for a word that will alliterate with night.

The second stanza is not a bad description of a lunar halo, though I'm not used to them being yellow, but either whitish or rainbowish, though they could be yellow I don't know.

The third stanza shows this as a rainbow color, so I'm now a little confused.

The last stanza has nice potential "in seas of Clouds who beg and brood"...I like the brood, though the begging isn't as clear here. "and vibrate out" is bit clunky. Second line is not bad, but I'm not sure if the poem makes the most use of the line.

Overall good sonics, but there is a lot of opportunity for you to dig deeper into yourself and find more of you writing this. I also would use more repetition of the rhythmic pattern in "splitting shadowed, blackened night." /x /x /x / I read three lines, you could use that more.

a few thoughts,
Bill

[Erthona]

AK,

Probably because of your moniker, I was thinking of this being from a cat's point of view.

"I’m loving Night,
for Moon is bright
and Sky is thick
with Clouds.
Yellow softens
darkened Blue,
blending, circling
Milk-White Moon."

From that viewpoint these first two stanzas work, but after that you break the form and get into very un-cat like explanation. Especially with,

"For when moonlight takes ashen sky"

Regardless of who the narrator is, these passages do not match, as the thought process and point of view has completely changed, yet you give no explanation of why this would be.

If you attributed the first two stanzas to a cat's view, and left it at that I think it works well. As this is mild critique, I'll stop there, having probably already gone over what a mild critique should be.

Dale

[LittleOwl]

I think I understand what you're trying to here, but try to keep your style a little more consistent. For example, the use of the casual contraction "I'm" in a poem containing a formalized word like "'neath" was a bit confusing. I'd give a little more thought to how you utilize capitalization and imagery: you could come up with something more descriptive and unique than "blackened Night," for example. And this is just me being nit-picky, but the line break and syntax in your last two lines is a little jarring. But there's potential here, so keep at it.

[allykat727]

Hello allykat, good to see you again. I hope you did well in your creative writing course.

I’m loving Night,
for Moon is bright
and Sky is thick
with Clouds.

it looks like you are attempting to anthropomorphicize Night, Moon, Sky and Clouds here(?). "for" definitely doesn't work here. "I'm loving" instead of "I love" is strange as well. It tries to identify with a specific instance which would lead to a narrative but it is never realised. There is nothing either new or original about bright moons in poetry.

Yellow softens
darkened Blue,
blending, circling
Milk-White Moon.

I confess, I can't figure out why you are capitalizing some words. So far. you have 2 stanzas describing the moon and the sky at night. Since there is really nothing new in the description and no symbolism or metaphor that I can make out, I am starting to wonder when we will get to the poem.

And rainbow Light
shines out in rays
through billowed haze
of smoky Sky,
splitting shadowed,
blackened Night.

Rainbows don't really exist at night, as far as I know. At this point, the endless description of your night is starting to get a bit boring.

For when Moon’s light
takes ashen Sky,
flecks of silver emphasize
that beauty sits
in seas of Clouds
who beg and brood
‘neath dark Night Sky
and vibrate out
of Moon’s bright Light.

"'neath" really has no place in modern poetry (with the exception of satire).

As a whole, I feel like this little vignette wastes too many words and doesn't really accomplish much. All I got from the whole poem is that your narrator likes pretty nights and the moon, but I don't think that is enough.

I feel like all of this could be condensed into a haiku and still say more through a juxtaposition.

Thanks for posting.

Good to see you again.

Thanks Milo. I got an A

Thanks for your comments. The capitalization was really just me trying on something new... I think it's safe to say that nobody agreed with it, so lesson learned.

There is a deeper message in the poem and I can see I did not do a good job of conveying it because nobody seemed to understand it.

Despite the fact that most of the comments on this piece were negative, this piece managed to get A LOT of response. What should I take from this? Do you think people are just more likely to comment when they have something critical to say? Or perhaps it initially seemed relatable and readable and was easier to comment on than some other pieces? I don't know... I'm not sure if I should just scrap the whole piece or if there is actually something in there worth bringing out.

In an attempt to explain the motivation behind my piece...
There is a particular kind of sky that makes me contemplate the universe in a certain kind of way. There are nights when the moon is full and bright and yet, there are patches of murky clouds covering it. When the moon's light shines through, it creates this really beautiful lunar glow and if you look closely enough, you can see a subtle rainbow of colors in the light that shines out (hence the rainbow reference). This to me is a visual representation of the nature of the universe--containing both light and darkness, or good and evil, or even masculine and feminine. And when that light illuminates the darkness, there is something particularly special and beautiful that could not exist without that juxtaposition.

---

Nice use of variation on the rhythms here, though I'm not sure if they're backing any contrasts here.

some ideas...
I’m loving Night, for Moon is bright
Can you find another word for bright which shed more onto what the poem wants to show? The moon is expected to be bright in a poem. You can say "moon is bright", but in the context of this poem, there are probably too many phrases like this. I suggest not to rhyme here, but look for a word that will alliterate with night.

The second stanza is not a bad description of a lunar halo, though I'm not used to them being yellow, but either whitish or rainbowish, though they could be yellow I don't know.

The third stanza shows this as a rainbow color, so I'm now a little confused.

The last stanza has nice potential "in seas of Clouds who beg and brood"...I like the brood, though the begging isn't as clear here. "and vibrate out" is bit clunky. Second line is not bad, but I'm not sure if the poem makes the most use of the line.

Overall good sonics, but there is a lot of opportunity for you to dig deeper into yourself and find more of you writing this. I also would use more repetition of the rhythmic pattern in "splitting shadowed, blackened night." /x /x /x / I read three lines, you could use that more.

a few thoughts,
Bill

Hey Bill, thanks a lot for your comments. I found them very helpful. The explanation of the lunar glow needs more work, you are right. And I agree, a little more of that rhythmic pattern would elevate the piece. Thanks again!

---

AK,

Probably because of your moniker, I was thinking of this being from a cat's point of view.

"I’m loving Night,
for Moon is bright
and Sky is thick
with Clouds.
Yellow softens
darkened Blue,
blending, circling
Milk-White Moon."

From that viewpoint these first two stanzas work, but after that you break the form and get into very un-cat like explanation. Especially with,

"For when moonlight takes ashen sky"

Regardless of who the narrator is, these passages do not match, as the thought process and point of view has completely changed, yet you give no explanation of why this would be.

If you attributed the first two stanzas to a cat's view, and left it at that I think it works well. As this is mild critique, I'll stop there, having probably already gone over what a mild critique should be.

Dale

Hey Dale,
From a cat's point of view lol! That's very interesting. You're right it really does seem like the first and second half are written by two different perspectives with no rhyme (pun) or reason. Thanks for the critique!

---

For those of you who are interested, this was my first freewrite of this poem. I am beginning to think I ruin my pieces with too much editing because looking back, this seems like a much more interesting read (although still just as cliche) than what it ended up as. Your thoughts are much appreciated

I love those nights when the moon is full and bright.
And the sky is thick with clouds of darkness.
Somehow, the beauty of the moon radiates through
And every color can be seen, a lunar glow
Rainbows of light illuminate the night sky.
Pale yellows, pastel pinks, brilliant blues--
they blend together,
encircling the milk-white moon,
shining through the smoky billows.
I might even dare to say...
the colors are quite vibrant against the ashen sky.
The blanket of shadowy mass may blacken
an open sky that could be clear as crystal,
but such clouds can be seen to serve
more than just this purpose.
Perhaps it takes an unconventional eye to see
that when the moon’s light hits the charcoal sky
and the murky masses of matter,
there are little flecks of silver.
They further emphasize the luminescent colors.
It gives us the context to see that such beauty
is even more alluring among cruelties,
like the ominous clouds that obscure clarity
in the still and tranquil evening empyrean.

[milo]

Hello allykat, good to see you again. I hope you did well in your creative writing course.

I’m loving Night,
for Moon is bright
and Sky is thick
with Clouds.

it looks like you are attempting to anthropomorphicize Night, Moon, Sky and Clouds here(?). "for" definitely doesn't work here. "I'm loving" instead of "I love" is strange as well. It tries to identify with a specific instance which would lead to a narrative but it is never realised. There is nothing either new or original about bright moons in poetry.

Yellow softens
darkened Blue,
blending, circling
Milk-White Moon.

I confess, I can't figure out why you are capitalizing some words. So far. you have 2 stanzas describing the moon and the sky at night. Since there is really nothing new in the description and no symbolism or metaphor that I can make out, I am starting to wonder when we will get to the poem.

And rainbow Light
shines out in rays
through billowed haze
of smoky Sky,
splitting shadowed,
blackened Night.

Rainbows don't really exist at night, as far as I know. At this point, the endless description of your night is starting to get a bit boring.

For when Moon’s light
takes ashen Sky,
flecks of silver emphasize
that beauty sits
in seas of Clouds
who beg and brood
‘neath dark Night Sky
and vibrate out
of Moon’s bright Light.

"'neath" really has no place in modern poetry (with the exception of satire).

As a whole, I feel like this little vignette wastes too many words and doesn't really accomplish much. All I got from the whole poem is that your narrator likes pretty nights and the moon, but I don't think that is enough.

I feel like all of this could be condensed into a haiku and still say more through a juxtaposition.

Thanks for posting.

Good to see you again.

Thanks Milo. I got an A

congratulations! I am a little jealous, i have always wanted to take a creative writing course or a poetry course or whatever.

Thanks for your comments. The capitalization was really just me trying on something new... I think it's safe to say that nobody agreed with it, so lesson learned.

There is a deeper message in the poem and I can see I did not do a good job of conveying it because nobody seemed to understand it.

Despite the fact that most of the comments on this piece were negative, this piece managed to get A LOT of response. What should I take from this? Do you think people are just more likely to comment when they have something critical to say? Or perhaps it initially seemed relatable and readable and was easier to comment on than some other pieces? I don't know... I'm not sure if I should just scrap the whole piece or if there is actually something in there worth bringing out.

these are good questions and i think they are similar to those we all ask ourselves now and then. i can't speak for others, but i know that the reason i commented was mostly because you always seem to take comments for what they are - one person's honest attempt to give the most objective feedback they can manage in order to help the poem. In addition, you generally help others and are friendly and easy to get along with. If i see something posted by you I always make a point to read it and offer any insight I can.

As for whether you should scrap it? Only you can answer that for yourself. If it was me, i would. I didn't find enough unique or compelling in this particular poem about the moon and clouds and wind and whatever to merit much, but who knows, maybe you can really turn it around. It might not be a bad idea to try to submit it for the mentoring project as you seem to have a solid idea of what you want out of it but just need some serious surgery.

[allykat727]

Hello allykat, good to see you again. I hope you did well in your creative writing course.


"'neath" really has no place in modern poetry (with the exception of satire).

As a whole, I feel like this little vignette wastes too many words and doesn't really accomplish much. All I got from the whole poem is that your narrator likes pretty nights and the moon, but I don't think that is enough.

I feel like all of this could be condensed into a haiku and still say more through a juxtaposition.

Thanks for posting.

Good to see you again.

Thanks Milo. I got an A

congratulations! I am a little jealous, i have always wanted to take a creative writing course or a poetry course or whatever.

Thanks for your comments. The capitalization was really just me trying on something new... I think it's safe to say that nobody agreed with it, so lesson learned.

There is a deeper message in the poem and I can see I did not do a good job of conveying it because nobody seemed to understand it.

Despite the fact that most of the comments on this piece were negative, this piece managed to get A LOT of response. What should I take from this? Do you think people are just more likely to comment when they have something critical to say? Or perhaps it initially seemed relatable and readable and was easier to comment on than some other pieces? I don't know... I'm not sure if I should just scrap the whole piece or if there is actually something in there worth bringing out.

these are good questions and i think they are similar to those we all ask ourselves now and then. i can't speak for others, but i know that the reason i commented was mostly because you always seem to take comments for what they are - one person's honest attempt to give the most objective feedback they can manage in order to help the poem. In addition, you generally help others and are friendly and easy to get along with. If i see something posted by you I always make a point to read it and offer any insight I can.

As for whether you should scrap it? Only you can answer that for yourself. If it was me, i would. I didn't find enough unique or compelling in this particular poem about the moon and clouds and wind and whatever to merit much, but who knows, maybe you can really turn it around. It might not be a bad idea to try to submit it for the mentoring project as you seem to have a solid idea of what you want out of it but just need some serious surgery.

Thanks Milo, I really appreciate you taking the time

Just wondering, did you notice that I posted the original? It is MUCH different. I went back to give it a read and found it might be much more interesting to read. It is still cliche. But, the original was just a freewrite. I am starting to realize that I think I overedit my pieces, or I've just gotten into needless editing habits. I never seem to be satisfied... so I think right now in my writing career I may just need to abandon the stuff I've written and stop editing so much. What do you think?

This is the original...

I love those nights when the moon is full and bright.
And the sky is thick with clouds of darkness.
Somehow, the beauty of the moon radiates through
And every color can be seen, a lunar glow
Rainbows of light illuminate the night sky.
Pale yellows, pastel pinks, brilliant blues--
they blend together,
encircling the milk-white moon,
shining through the smoky billows.
I might even dare to say...
the colors are quite vibrant against the ashen sky.
The blanket of shadowy mass may blacken
an open sky that could be clear as crystal,
but such clouds can be seen to serve
more than just this purpose.
Perhaps it takes an unconventional eye to see
that when the moon’s light hits the charcoal sky
and the murky masses of matter,
there are little flecks of silver.
They further emphasize the luminescent colors.
It gives us the context to see that such beauty
is even more alluring among cruelties,
like the ominous clouds that obscure clarity
in the still and tranquil evening empyrean.

Thanks again for taking the time!

[Tempest]

I like the feelings created
It moves me
as the moon moves the ocean

Start the third stanza with something other than and and only capitalize things for a reason ie importance, personification, topical significance etc
I feel left a little hanging at the end
Maybe I just need something big
Try telling us something else that beauty does perhaps blending some descriptors and freedom from the original with the mood of the first

<3

[allykat727]

I like the feelings created
It moves me
as the moon moves the ocean

Start the third stanza with something other than and and only capitalize things for a reason ie importance, personification, topical significance etc
I feel left a little hanging at the end
Maybe I just need something big
Try telling us something else that beauty does perhaps blending some descriptors and freedom from the original with the mood of the first

<3

Thanks Tempest! I appreciate the feedback.

[milo]

Thanks Milo. I got an A

congratulations! I am a little jealous, i have always wanted to take a creative writing course or a poetry course or whatever.

Thanks for your comments. The capitalization was really just me trying on something new... I think it's safe to say that nobody agreed with it, so lesson learned.

There is a deeper message in the poem and I can see I did not do a good job of conveying it because nobody seemed to understand it.

Despite the fact that most of the comments on this piece were negative, this piece managed to get A LOT of response. What should I take from this? Do you think people are just more likely to comment when they have something critical to say? Or perhaps it initially seemed relatable and readable and was easier to comment on than some other pieces? I don't know... I'm not sure if I should just scrap the whole piece or if there is actually something in there worth bringing out.

these are good questions and i think they are similar to those we all ask ourselves now and then. i can't speak for others, but i know that the reason i commented was mostly because you always seem to take comments for what they are - one person's honest attempt to give the most objective feedback they can manage in order to help the poem. In addition, you generally help others and are friendly and easy to get along with. If i see something posted by you I always make a point to read it and offer any insight I can.

As for whether you should scrap it? Only you can answer that for yourself. If it was me, i would. I didn't find enough unique or compelling in this particular poem about the moon and clouds and wind and whatever to merit much, but who knows, maybe you can really turn it around. It might not be a bad idea to try to submit it for the mentoring project as you seem to have a solid idea of what you want out of it but just need some serious surgery.

Thanks Milo, I really appreciate you taking the time

Just wondering, did you notice that I posted the original? It is MUCH different. I went back to give it a read and found it might be much more interesting to read. It is still cliche. But, the original was just a freewrite. I am starting to realize that I think I overedit my pieces, or I've just gotten into needless editing habits. I never seem to be satisfied... so I think right now in my writing career I may just need to abandon the stuff I've written and stop editing so much. What do you think?

This is the original...

I love those nights when the moon is full and bright.
And the sky is thick with clouds of darkness.
Somehow, the beauty of the moon radiates through
And every color can be seen, a lunar glow
Rainbows of light illuminate the night sky.
Pale yellows, pastel pinks, brilliant blues--
they blend together,
encircling the milk-white moon,
shining through the smoky billows.
I might even dare to say...
the colors are quite vibrant against the ashen sky.
The blanket of shadowy mass may blacken
an open sky that could be clear as crystal,
but such clouds can be seen to serve
more than just this purpose.
Perhaps it takes an unconventional eye to see
that when the moon’s light hits the charcoal sky
and the murky masses of matter,
there are little flecks of silver.
They further emphasize the luminescent colors.
It gives us the context to see that such beauty
is even more alluring among cruelties,
like the ominous clouds that obscure clarity
in the still and tranquil evening empyrean.

Thanks again for taking the time!

I just read through it quickly. To do it justice from a critical stand point would require another 10 or so thorough reads and I am not sure if that is what you are asking for here. If you are interested, why not post it as either its own thread or as an alternate version at least edited into the original thread. I think the original version is better to my tastes but does have some of the same issues as well as some brand new ones.

[allykat727]

congratulations! I am a little jealous, i have always wanted to take a creative writing course or a poetry course or whatever.

these are good questions and i think they are similar to those we all ask ourselves now and then. i can't speak for others, but i know that the reason i commented was mostly because you always seem to take comments for what they are - one person's honest attempt to give the most objective feedback they can manage in order to help the poem. In addition, you generally help others and are friendly and easy to get along with. If i see something posted by you I always make a point to read it and offer any insight I can.

As for whether you should scrap it? Only you can answer that for yourself. If it was me, i would. I didn't find enough unique or compelling in this particular poem about the moon and clouds and wind and whatever to merit much, but who knows, maybe you can really turn it around. It might not be a bad idea to try to submit it for the mentoring project as you seem to have a solid idea of what you want out of it but just need some serious surgery.

Thanks Milo, I really appreciate you taking the time

Just wondering, did you notice that I posted the original? It is MUCH different. I went back to give it a read and found it might be much more interesting to read. It is still cliche. But, the original was just a freewrite. I am starting to realize that I think I overedit my pieces, or I've just gotten into needless editing habits. I never seem to be satisfied... so I think right now in my writing career I may just need to abandon the stuff I've written and stop editing so much. What do you think?

This is the original...

I love those nights when the moon is full and bright.
And the sky is thick with clouds of darkness.
Somehow, the beauty of the moon radiates through
And every color can be seen, a lunar glow
Rainbows of light illuminate the night sky.
Pale yellows, pastel pinks, brilliant blues--
they blend together,
encircling the milk-white moon,
shining through the smoky billows.
I might even dare to say...
the colors are quite vibrant against the ashen sky.
The blanket of shadowy mass may blacken
an open sky that could be clear as crystal,
but such clouds can be seen to serve
more than just this purpose.
Perhaps it takes an unconventional eye to see
that when the moon’s light hits the charcoal sky
and the murky masses of matter,
there are little flecks of silver.
They further emphasize the luminescent colors.
It gives us the context to see that such beauty
is even more alluring among cruelties,
like the ominous clouds that obscure clarity
in the still and tranquil evening empyrean.

Thanks again for taking the time!

I just read through it quickly. To do it justice from a critical stand point would require another 10 or so thorough reads and I am not sure if that is what you are asking for here. If you are interested, why not post it as either its own thread or as an alternate version at least edited into the original thread. I think the original version is better to my tastes but does have some of the same issues as well as some brand new ones.

Thanks You are correct, I was not asking for a critique. Just a little guidance. I think the original is better to my tastes too, and yes, it definitely has some of the same issues and some different ones. I will probably come back to this piece in some time and just start from the original.