Latency (edit 1)

[btrudo]

This is something I've been playing with...a little change and now showing lines:

Latency (edit 1)

Thunder declares the calm as a crown
and wears it proudly; the world has welled
the skies, the clouds. They strike the street,
the leaves and the grass, a green which gathers,
groomed for the rain. The ground is a gate
open today, this date, this deed,
where heavens heave their hefty stores
and a Whitman whiles, writing of blood.



Latency

Thunder declares the calm as a crown and wears it proudly when the world has welled its skies, the clouds. They strike the street, the leaves and the grass, the green which gathers, groomed for rain. The ground is a gate open today, this date, this deed, where heavens heave their hefty stores and a Whitman whiles, writing of blood.

[whatispoetry?]

This has nice music but I can't help but feel that the alliteration is a little overbearing. I read it as "Thunder deCLARES the CALM as a CROWN..." The alliteration with "wears" "world" and "welled" is a little bit better but it's still much. The rest of the alliteration is a little bit more subtle but it gets annoying again in the third sentence.

[expiring_touch]

I liked the alliterations, actually, it reads like a mad man reciting a poem in the face of a storm. In fact, I'd rather see them even more condensed, not watered down by the whole 'the's', and 'they's' and other pronouns.

[allykat727]

I enjoyed reading this piece. Found the alliteration fun. A few suggestions that came to mind...

To replace 'declares' with 'claims'. I think it would help with the meter.

What about personifying Thunder as either male or female? So it can be 'he strikes the street' or 'she strikes the street'. I think it would add to the piece.

Might suggest deleting the 'and' inbetween the leaves & the grass... "He strikes the street, the leaves, the grass, the green which gathers..." another suggestion for the sake of meter.

I think our third sentence is my least favorite and would need the most attention where meter is concerned. But, I love 'where heavens heave'. Nice alliteration, rhyme and creativity in those words.

Great work and thanks for the read!

[btrudo]

This has nice music but I can't help but feel that the alliteration is a little overbearing. I read it as "Thunder deCLARES the CALM as a CROWN..." The alliteration with "wears" "world" and "welled" is a little bit better but it's still much. The rest of the alliteration is a little bit more subtle but it gets annoying again in the third sentence.

This is meant to be highly alliterative, though I appreciate your take of what sounds better to your ear.

thanks,
Bill

---

I liked the alliterations, actually, it reads like a mad man reciting a poem in the face of a storm. In fact, I'd rather see them even more condensed, not watered down by the whole 'the's', and 'they's' and other pronouns.

Some of the articles are probably placeholders right now until I find an apt word. Though I might try striping it some down, and seeing if I can still keep repetition of some rhythmic sections.

thanks,
Bill

---

I enjoyed reading this piece. Found the alliteration fun. A few suggestions that came to mind...

To replace 'declares' with 'claims'. I think it would help with the meter.

What about personifying Thunder as either male or female? So it can be 'he strikes the street' or 'she strikes the street'. I think it would add to the piece.

Might suggest deleting the 'and' inbetween the leaves & the grass... "He strikes the street, the leaves, the grass, the green which gathers..." another suggestion for the sake of meter.

I think our third sentence is my least favorite and would need the most attention where meter is concerned. But, I love 'where heavens heave'. Nice alliteration, rhyme and creativity in those words.

Great work and thanks for the read!

I am keeping count on the stresses and moving around the unstressed/stressed patterns. I had a bad word which definitely confused the pulse of the first sentence.

Thanks,
Bill

[in-need-of-an-empire]

i found the alliteration charming. i always do like alliteration personally. i also enjoyed the vague imagery and how it seems very open to interpretation. all in all i feel that this is quite good. thumbs up from me Bill.

[btrudo]

i found the alliteration charming. i always do like alliteration personally. i also enjoyed the vague imagery and how it seems very open to interpretation. all in all i feel that this is quite good. thumbs up from me Bill.

I did title this "Latency", so if you want to offer an interpretation, please do.

thanks,
Bill