Walking in Snow shoes.

[cidermaid]

@ Keith. Okay...as you can see i've moved the whole thread to serious. (Will move back to mentoring after it is done here).
My appreciation for all of the time and support that you have given this to date.

Note to Milo. No idea if moving the whole thread for workshoping is what you had in mind for how this stage might work, but seemed a sensible way to go about it , for now I've left a re-direct only on the mentoring thread. Please give me a nudge if this does not fit with your ideas.

---

Current edit at top of 1st page with original post, or most recent edit can be found in post directly above .

[ellajam]

First, thanks for this thread and the amazing transformation of this poem.

What is a Conchalonn? It stumps google and I couldn't find it in the glossary here.

[milo]

First, thanks for this thread and the amazing transformation of this poem.

What is a Conchalonn? It stumps google and I couldn't find it in the glossary here.

Conachlon

---

@ Keith. Okay...as you can see i've moved the whole thread to serious. (Will move back to mentoring after it is done here).
My appreciation for all of the time and support that you have given this to date.

Note to Milo. No idea if moving the whole thread for workshoping is what you had in mind for how this stage might work, but seemed a sensible way to go about it , for now I've left a re-direct only on the mentoring thread. Please give me a nudge if this does not fit with your ideas.

---

Current edit at top of 1st page with original post, or most recent edit can be found in post directly above .

My original intent was to post the mentored poem into serious as a new thread and leave this one here for people to study the process later but you can do as you wish.

[ellajam]

ah, conachlon

Thanks

[cidermaid]

My bad...my ability to reverse letters and numbers is boundless. (I thought i had cut n pasted how it was spelt from the practice threads...obviously not). Thanks for the correction.

---

Milo please move as you see fit, i have no objections either way. Was thinking that I would be able to gather the comments into the mentoring thread in the order that they were given by doing it this way, but it will not actually make any differance ...Duh me!

[Keith]

My bad...my ability to reverse letters and numbers is boundless. (I thought i had cut n pasted how it was spelt from the practice threads...obviously not). Thanks for the correction.

---

Milo please move as you see fit, i have no objections either way. Was thinking that I would be able to gather the comments into the mentoring thread in the order that they were given by doing it this way, but it will not actually make any differance ...Duh me!

Actually its my bad I started it I like to make up words that are close to the one's I should have used, sorry for the confusion. K

---

First, thanks for this thread and the amazing transformation of this poem.

What is a Conchalonn? It stumps google and I couldn't find it in the glossary here.

Conachlon

---

@ Keith. Okay...as you can see i've moved the whole thread to serious. (Will move back to mentoring after it is done here).
My appreciation for all of the time and support that you have given this to date.

Note to Milo. No idea if moving the whole thread for workshoping is what you had in mind for how this stage might work, but seemed a sensible way to go about it , for now I've left a re-direct only on the mentoring thread. Please give me a nudge if this does not fit with your ideas.

---

Current edit at top of 1st page with original post, or most recent edit can be found in post directly above .

My original intent was to post the mentored poem into serious as a new thread and leave this one here for people to study the process later but you can do as you wish.

I think you should just post the current edit of the poem and take the feedback without any preconceptions based on the milo thread. That way its clean and clear. AJ and I can then discuss the feedback and use it to decide next steps. Keith

[ellajam]

My bad...my ability to reverse letters and numbers is boundless. (I thought i had cut n pasted how it was spelt from the practice threads...obviously not). Thanks for the correction.

The link shows it spelled both ways, everybody's right.

[cidermaid]

I feel the imperfections,
ions in each unique wood flake,
aching under silent fields of snow;
onerous gram weighted peeks and troughs.

Offers of pristine carbon dated sheets
eat at tired thoughts that slide,
idle in freefall, foot prepped they stretch;
etched clouds of sun-downing starlings.

Lingering they cling; half formed ideas,
earless dreary droplets on bare branches.
Essence starved, highly metalled, they drip
rippled dross that cools on the un-tilled field.

Eldritch forces shield the pressed perfection,
on which fragments of calm collide and splinter.
Terse aborted concepts leap sky-born,
ornate in flight they swirl in flightless flocks.

Oxygen boosted the fledglings flee,
easing off the aborted roost; a reflective river
verse that swirls in random bursts of unborn images,
gestated under a clouded sun-lit canopy.

Peels of thoughts switch and swoop low;
own the virgin field of snow, by virtue of a kiss.
Issues melt, the fluid thought compacts,
acts upon a single, graphite drop and falls.

Alternate climatic creative waves; twice
ice hard dead upon the page are left unread.
Edited, the final decent is progressive and smooth;
the imperfections are covered and soothed.

[Todd]

[split] walking in snowshoes (mentoring project)
Hi AJ, I'm going to ignore the give and take of the mentoring thread to the best of my ability and try to come at this as cold as possible. Comments below:

(08-31-2013 11:16 PM)cidermaid Wrote:
Edit.

I feel the imperfections,
ions in each unique wood flake,--to me ions feels a bit clunky sitting under imperfections. It may be necessary but I would be tempted to cut the comma above and ions on this line
aching under silent fields of snow;--I wouldn't have gotten this fully without the explanation I remember that said it isn't a real issue. I would be tempted to draw the s sounds out a bit more. I first thought cutting fields of but the line felt unbalanced. Perhaps replace fields with "shavings' if that's appropriate
onerous gram weighted peeks and troughs.--not a big fan of onerous gram weighted. The phrasing feels a bit clunky to me. I don't have a substitution in mind yet. It could just be me

Offers of pristine carbon dated sheets
eat at tired thoughts that slide,--The offers eat at tired thoughts? I'm not sure how to take that
idle in freefall, foot prepped they stretch;
etched clouds of sun-downing starlings.--I very much though like the motion of where the thoughts go (idle in freefall. I like the foot prepped they stretch part). I'm not sure I've got the content settled on the etched line, but I don't need to understand fully to appreciate the word play. It's cool

Lingering they cling; half formed ideas,--One possible issue, this is a lot of space to be discussing thoughts. Just a thought of my own
earless dreary droplets on bare branches.--I like the alliteration, and I find earless the most interesting part of the line
Essence starved, highly metalled, they drip
rippled dross that cools on the un-tilled field.--Rippled dross that cools is an interesting image

Eldritch forces shield the pressed perfection,
on which fragments of calm collide and splinter.
Terse aborted concepts leap sky-born,
ornate in flight they swirl in flightless flocks.--I like this last line. The rest of this I'm not sure. Eldritch seems like a bit of a leap. I'm not fond of fragments of calm. If you remove of calm it might work better. You'd have to find another way to convey the concept thought I guess. I'm also not liking the terse aborted concepts. It just feels a bit too abstract for my tastes in here. Mostly, that's probably what it is a taste thing, but there you have it

Oxygen boosted the fledglings flee,--See lines like this make Eldritch not work for me. This feels sciency not magicy if that makes sense
easing off the aborted roost; a reflective river--second use of aborted way to close to the other one. You might be starting to push the overall alliteration too far.
verse that swirls in random bursts of unborn images,--not a fan of verse. Random doesn't say much, and unborn also is close in concept to aborted, also an unborn image just seems to me to be a: It was indescribable. Those moments for me feel like they shouldn't go in poems. I don't know if that makes sense.
gestated under a clouded sun-lit canopy.--Clouded sun-lit is an interesting antithesis

Peels of thoughts switch and swoop low;--Peels of thought is interesting because you introduce sound, and the rest reintroduces the swallows in a way. Again we're back in the mind it's not bad because you keep the action going, but thoughts are always as I said before problematic for me
own the virgin field of snow, by virtue of a kiss.--Here I would really cut field of. It's the second time you have it and it adds little. Possibly, shorten the second phrase to simply "with a kiss"
Issues melt, the fluid thought compacts,
acts upon a single, graphite drop and falls.--Like this line

Alternate climatic creative waves; twice
ice hard dead upon the page are left unread.
Edited, the final decent is progressive and smooth;
the imperfections are covered and soothed. --I'm still thinking about the conclusion. Nothing yet, I simply wanted to get the initial response down. I may come back.

I like it. It has some interesting points. I hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson

[milo]

If you post the poem as a new thread in serious, I can move Todd's comment into it.

meh, I just cheated to do it.

[Keith]

I feel the imperfections,
ions in each unique wood flake, not sure that ions as electric charge really fits, could you drop the comma after imperfections remove ions and change in to on?
aching under silent fields of snow;
onerous gram weighted peeks and troughs.

Offers of pristine carbon dated sheets
eat at tired thoughts that slide, eat at sounds blunt could you add away or something else to smooth the line
idle in freefall, foot prepped they stretch; I like the alliteration and the starlings below is a delightful image.
etched clouds of sun-downing starlings. Im just not sure stretched /etched does this justice,

Lingering they cling; half formed ideas,
earless dreary droplets on bare branches.
Essence starved, highly metalled, they drip
rippled dross that cools on the un-tilled field. Nothing to crit love this stanza and the way it visualises thought

Eldritch forces shield the pressed perfection, I had to googleto understand but that is probably just me. on which fragments of calm collide and splinter. I like this line but could look at on which.
Terse aborted concepts leap sky-born,
ornate in flight they swirl in flightless flocks. great image

Oxygen boosted the fledglings flee, a great clearing of the head
easing off the aborted roost; a reflective river aborted has been used in previous stanza
verse that swirls in random bursts of unborn images,
gestated under a clouded sun-lit canopy. This is a visual extravaganza but could do with a small trim and perhaps shaded rather than clouded so as to keep the sun lit.

Peels of thoughts switch and swoop low;
own the virgin field of snow, by virtue of a kiss.
Issues melt, the fluid thought compacts,
acts upon a single, graphite drop and falls. I would be tempted to close on this line and leave the edit for another poem but that's just me talking, and I think this is a killer last line.

Alternate climatic creative waves; twice I stumbled over this it could be the tree syllables of Alternate climatic is just too much, if that makes sense,
ice hard dead upon the page are left unread.
Edited, the final decent is progressive and smooth;
the imperfections are covered and soothed. This is a good ending so my previous comments could well be wrong and just my gut talking.

Hopefully some others will step up to the plate and I'll see you back at base. best K

[Todd]

AJ, if you're looking to do this again. I could try working with you. Like Keith it would be my first attempt at it. Let me know.

[cidermaid]

Thanks Todd I would love to mentored by you at some point in the future - in fact I would be deeply honoured if you would work with me / help me in this way.

Note to both Todd and keith - i think I need to put my hand in the air and confess what appears to be a happy typo. Both of you have expressed a like for this line: ornate in flight they swirl in flightless flocks.
But somewhere along the line I have a typo on the "Fl" and had origianlly used sightless.
Can i ask, are you reading flightless or sightless in your reads?
(I actually like the use of flightless the more I read it, but it does give the line a completly different meaning to my intended line of thought).
Just being really honest here.

[Keith]

Thanks Todd I would love to mentored by you at some point in the future - in fact I would be deeply honoured if you would work with me / help me in this way.

Note to both Todd and keith - i think I need to put my hand in the air and confess what appears to be a happy typo. Both of you have expressed a like for this line: ornate in flight they swirl in flightless flocks.
But somewhere along the line I have a typo on the "Fl" and had origianlly used sightless.
Can i ask, are you reading flightless or sightless in your reads?
(I actually like the use of flightless the more I read it, but it does give the line a completly different meaning to my intended line of thought).
Just being really honest here.

I am with flightless

[cidermaid]

Hi keith ...back again.
i suppose we should take stock and make a decision with what to do with this one next. We have done a lot of work and moved the project forward. It could be parked to allow some breathing room for objective re-assesment at a later date or we can continue with this project. I will value and follow your lead here.

Todd if the name of the game is to just have any poem at any stage, then rather than wait for my muse to drift back into the room, we could just pick one of my poems posted in misc as fodder to work with. This one http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=11924 did not attract more than one comment so could be considered a nearly new project we could use to go through the process. (Please make a suggestion of your own if you prefer. I picked this one at random just because it had no crit as such on it)

[Todd]

AJ, the link isn't giving me anything. Tell you what, post the text into a new mentoring thread in milo's forum and we'll get to work.

[Keith]

Hi keith ...back again.
i suppose we should take stock and make a decision with what to do with this one next. We have done a lot of work and moved the project forward. It could be parked to allow some breathing room for objective re-assesment at a later date or we can continue with this project. I will value and follow your lead here.

Todd if the name of the game is to just have any poem at any stage, then rather than wait for my muse to drift back into the room, we could just pick one of my poems posted in misc as fodder to work with. This one http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=11924 did not attract more than one comment so could be considered a nearly new project we could use to go through the process. (Please make a suggestion of your own if you prefer. I picked this one at random just because it had no crit as such on it)

Hi AJ Parking the poem is probably the best option as I'm sure you will have your hands full with Todd. I would be happy to pick this up again sometime in the future, if you think I can help, just PM me.

Good look on your next venture, I will be watching from the wings. Best Keith

[cidermaid]

A debt of gratitude and thanks to you Keith for your willing participation, sacrifice of your time and help with this first project.
It has been fun and the way you have worked with me has made it a totally non scary project. I feel that i have gained a lot of new insights into the writing process from a different view point. Thank you so much. I would love to re-open this poem for further work at some point in the future ...if you think you have the stamina.

You have been a complete star. Thank you.