The End of The World

[BillyM]

Hi everyone, I'm a first time poster, and wasn't sure where I should post. I'm a very inexperienced poetry writer (this is my second poem), so I apologise if its quality isn't up to par. The poem was inspired by an incredibly vivid dream I had the other night.

We hijacked an empty train to Leicester. (Edit 2)
They are all dead there
We prowled through the market square
Taking clothes; snatching sunglasses from stiff fingers
As forgotten banknotes flutter in a cold breeze
We walked a thousand miles with no goal in mind
We passed hamlets, villages and towns
The cities are dark now; Manchester burns
There is shooting in the distant valleys and hills
As the last-ditch violence sputters and dies
To the sound of silence
We found a haven in a dark place
Where a cracked old laptop with a CCTV
Plays garbled footage of insane police roaming
Machine-gunning hundreds
As the generals take poison in underground vaults
This is the way the whole of the world ends

[billy]

hi billy, i'll move this to novice where it's a bit less daunting.

the first thing i noticed wasn't the poem, it was the line spacing, unless something is needed, don't use it. the first thing you want people to do is read the first line of your poem.

the poem starts off as though it's going to be structured but starts falling into prose after a few lines. try and create some images that relate to the end of the world.

thanks for the read.

Hi everyone, I'm a first time poster, and wasn't sure where I should post. I'm a very inexperienced poetry writer (this is my second poem), so I apologise if its quality isn't up to par. The poem was inspired by an incredibly vivid dream I had the other night.

We hijacked an empty train to Leicester

But they're all dead there a suggestion would be [they were all dead there] though an image would work better

We walked through the market square try and give it some depth...a suggestion; [we prowled the market square]

Taking clothes and sunglasses from stiff fingers [b]stealing, is stronger than taking, unless you want it to be softer, as it reads the stiff fingers wear clothes. a suggestion would be Taking clothes; lifting sunglasses from stiff fingers [/b]

I got into a fist fight with an old friend what does this line have to do with the end of the world?

And we left together as friends

And we boarded the train

And found a dark haven all the ands don't work well

Where a cracked old laptop with a CCTV

Plays footage of insane police roaming

Machine-gunning hundreds

And I know there's no law here; I know it's the end

Because my friend

Died in flames

When we crossed the river Thames

And this is the way the whole of the world ends

[BillyM]

Thanks for the helpful feedback, I'm going to work on the poem using your suggestions (without copying them). I agree that using "and" so many times doesn't work very well, as well as the part in the market square. I didvintend it to be softer, kinda like "gently taking this stuff they have no use for" I'm considering removing the "fist fight with an old friend" part, or altering it to make it less random. (It was a random-ass dream). BTW could you please explain the difference between structure and prose? I want it to be consistent in that regard.

Thanks again

[billy]

do what you can and put the edit up, don't rush it though spend a bit of time on it. then people can see how else to help. sometimes a poem can take more than a few edits. just stick with it. :J:

[BillyM]

I will take my time, and let it mature naturally; although my first impulse was to rush those changes through

[Volaticus]

Hi,
There's something about this that I quite like. The first four of lines certainly got my attention. I didn't understand line five, it seemed random in the whole dream/end of the world context. The rest of the poem, I felt a change of tone from the first four lines. It didn't have the same imagery effect like it did in the beginning and it seemed somewhat flat. I think you could some more images, show the reader the end of the world instead of telling about it. Add some depth. For instance: I'd like to know more about this dark haven, what it looks like, feels like or things like that. "Died in flames / When we crossed the river Thames" felt out of place. It might be the rhyme. It seemed too light.
All this is of course JMHO. I'll be looking forward to read your edit of this poem.
Best,
LB

[ChimeInTheWind]

Hi, I quite enjoy the start of your poem but it becomes somewhat confusing after

One thing i noticed is the line spacing and how it interferes with what i presume to be the poems rhyme scheme. At some points in your poem a rhyme scheme seems to exist, and at others does not seem to exist.

[BillyM]

Thank you for your feedback and I completely agree with everything you've said. Reading back, it does feel very flat; rather than going for a random dream style, I'm going to give it more of a narrative, and emphasise the apocalyptic imagery. The end really doesn't work as well. I think I'll eliminate the rhyming all together, from what I've learned on the forum, rhyme isn't neccesary. I don't know what I was thinking with the line spacing...

[BillyM]

I've tried to edit, I just hopes it better than my first effort