To Have And To Hold - Edit 1

[remotemethod]

Edit 1 - First Two Stanzas - Focus on Imagery, not so much on rhyme.

Dusk consumes the space around her,
Fading the impression of her curves,
On the window with the cracked, milky panes.
Corners of the kitchen shelf disappearing,
Beneath the grease of darkness,
In her universe shrouded by silence.
Under the trees, by the grass,
Looking at the sky,
The last signs of life, of youth, yonder lie.

Outlines take a stronger define,
Just silhouettes and lines,
And trails of a day, passed by.
Oblivious movements,
Unaccomplished chores compromised.
An unidentified fatigue
Of undeserving proportions,
Legs stretched out on the ottoman.
Never ending thoughts of
Imaginary youth, charisma and prominence.
Salt crackers, garlic stuffed olives,
And port wine.

Waiting eyes, a peaceful smile,
Restless glance spans the miles.
No promises, no expectations,
Just faith and determination.

She holds the light to my arrival,
And I pray for my survival.
Just to be with her one last time,
Hold her close to me, she’s mine.

A need, she doesn’t deny,
Yet doesn’t crave for my,
Embrace, that would mean I am there,
And says “As long as I am in her heart,
She doesn’t care.”

Touch of her skin I do crave,
But there isn’t much you can do,
From behind the grave.
I wish, I was there.

Original

Written on January 4, 2007, I am bringing this poem here to get help on the technique, imagery and the structure. I have been away for a while, but I am back to get some of the valuable feedback I have received in the past.

Dusk is consuming the space around,
Silence heard and not a sound,
In the trees, in the grass, and in the sky,
The last signs of life, lie.

Outlines take a stronger define,
Just the silhouettes,and the lines.
Trails of a day, oblivious movements,
Rest, Contemplation and Reassurance.

Waiting eyes, a peaceful smile,
Restless glance spans the miles.
No promises, no expectations,
Just faith and determination.

She holds the light to my arrival,
And I pray for my survival.
Just to be with her one last time,
Hold her close to me, she’s mine.

A need, she doesn’t deny,
Yet doesn’t crave for my,
Embrace, that would mean I am there,
And says “As long as I am in her heart,
She doesn’t care.”

Touch of her skin I do crave,
But there isn’t much you can do,
From behind the grave.
I wish, I was there.

[Volaticus]

Hi,
I think the first line sets the tone of the poem well. But around who? Or what?

Half of the next line "Silence heard and not a sound," is redundant. You say the same, just in two different ways.

Watch out for forced rhymes. An example:

"Touch of her skin I do crave,
But there isn’t much you can do,
From behind the grave.
I wish, I was there."

The first line sounds awkward, I guess because you needed it to rhyme with "grave". If a rhyme has to be forced, I'd suggest searching for other rhymes.

I hope this was of any help and all is of course JMHO.

Best,
LB

[makeshift]

Written on January 4, 2007, I am bringing this poem here to get help on the technique, imagery and the structure. I have been away for a while, but I am back to get some of the valuable feedback I have received in the past.

Dusk is consuming the space around,
Silence heard and not a sound, I agree with Volaticus this feels redundant
In the trees, in the grass, and in the sky,
The last signs of life, lie. foreboding stanza :p

Outlines take a stronger define,
Just the silhouettes,and the lines.
Trails of a day, oblivious movements, I like "Trails of a day"
Rest, Contemplation and Reassurance.

Waiting eyes, a peaceful smile,
Restless glance spans the miles.
No promises, no expectations,
Just faith and determination. It would be nice if you could illustrate faith and determination as opposed just writing out the words, same with rest, contemplation and reassurance in the previous line

She holds the light to my arrival,
And I pray for my survival.
Just to be with her one last time,
Hold her close to me, she’s mine.

A need, she doesn’t deny,
Yet doesn’t crave for my,
Embrace, that would mean I am there,
And says “As long as I am in her heart,
She doesn’t care.”

Touch of her skin I do crave,
But there isn’t much you can do,
From behind the grave.
I wish, I was there.

Haunting love poem ^_^ I think beyond all else I'd just focus on making some of rhymed lines sound more natural. Thnx for sharing.

[remotemethod]

Hi,
I think the first line sets the tone of the poem well. But around who? Or what?

Half of the next line "Silence heard and not a sound," is redundant. You say the same, just in two different ways.

Watch out for forced rhymes. An example:

"Touch of her skin I do crave,
But there isn’t much you can do,
From behind the grave.
I wish, I was there."

The first line sounds awkward, I guess because you needed it to rhyme with "grave". If a rhyme has to be forced, I'd suggest searching for other rhymes.

I hope this was of any help and all is of course JMHO.

Best,
LB

Thanks a ton! I didn't like the rhyme myself that much when I read it after 6 years last week. I wanted exactly the kind of feedback you have shared. Let me see if I can turn this around and mend the rhyme. The redundancy though is something I was not sure what to replace with. I mean, I wanted to use contradictory terms to create heightened sense of emotion like "deafening silence" (which is a cliche) but I was trying to create something like that I guess. Anyhow point taken, will work on it.

---

Written on January 4, 2007, I am bringing this poem here to get help on the technique, imagery and the structure. I have been away for a while, but I am back to get some of the valuable feedback I have received in the past.

Dusk is consuming the space around,
Silence heard and not a sound, I agree with Volaticus this feels redundant
In the trees, in the grass, and in the sky,
The last signs of life, lie. foreboding stanza :p

Outlines take a stronger define,
Just the silhouettes,and the lines.
Trails of a day, oblivious movements, I like "Trails of a day"
Rest, Contemplation and Reassurance.

Waiting eyes, a peaceful smile,
Restless glance spans the miles.
No promises, no expectations,
Just faith and determination. It would be nice if you could illustrate faith and determination as opposed just writing out the words, same with rest, contemplation and reassurance in the previous line

She holds the light to my arrival,
And I pray for my survival.
Just to be with her one last time,
Hold her close to me, she’s mine.

A need, she doesn’t deny,
Yet doesn’t crave for my,
Embrace, that would mean I am there,
And says “As long as I am in her heart,
She doesn’t care.”

Touch of her skin I do crave,
But there isn’t much you can do,
From behind the grave.
I wish, I was there.

Haunting love poem ^_^ I think beyond all else I'd just focus on making some of rhymed lines sound more natural. Thnx for sharing.

Thanks, thanks and thanks! I too agree with the redundancy part I just didn't know what to replace it with, as I mentioned above. But I will try to refine it so it sounds a little more mature. Stays tuned for the version two.