Blinded by the Night edit 2. btrudo,Christophersea, milo

[billy]

tom, a few nits is all.

i think it will read a little wordy for some and a little OTT lovey dovey for others, but i found it to be rather sweet if a little sad. i see more than the stars passage of time as it's light travels back in time. i also see the passage of time in the man and how his light fades with times passage.
i don't know if it's good or bad poetry tom but i liked this one a lot.

thanks for the read.

Edit 2

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore. why the [not]?
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you. good opening. tweeds lends itself to many images
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glint; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless belt.
Three jewels drew you to my appellation; then for one pearl
we held a sombre service and pompously made Alnitak my own. if only i had been given a star i think there's strength in this line tom

The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scars the lens
and runs spontaneous through the glassy phial.
I hold you close, my love, my Aphrodite; not sure about the 2nd aphro, or the [my love]
these days I touch you more, to know you, than before.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the dust would come between us
and our spaced embrace -- one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.

Alnitak, if only I could see you.
If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies. this is a little like speaking to yourself but nonetheless it reads pretty good.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013
bt and milo...beware the spontaneous trap

[Truerenigma]

Edit 2

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glint; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless belt.
Three jewels drew you to my appellation; then for one pearl
we held a sombre service and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scars the lens
and runs spontaneous through the glassy phial.
I hold you close, my love, my Aphrodite;
these days I touch you more, to know you, than before.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the dust would come between us
and our spaced embrace -- one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.

Alnitak, if only I could see you.
If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.



edit 1

Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger then, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sunshine;
remember how we claimed the distant globes?
I gave my name for you, my Aphrodite, to christen lovingly
an auric glimmer; and there forever pinned my mortal heart.
You found me, too, aglow within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation. We laughed together,
held a sombre service, and pompously made Alnitak my own.

The stars are fading now, in vision pulled through ages;
abraded by the sand that scarifies the lens and runs
spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial. I hold you close,
my Aphrodite, a comfort knowing you are still beside me;
though I touch you more, to know you, than before.
What change these dimming days will bring to we old lovers,
who chose the suns we hoped would rage forever bright;
not thinking that the night would come between us
and our spaced embrace--one long life kiss, one hand
that brushes gently, hidden from all heaven's sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you. If just one flicker danced before my eyes,
then all the firmament would burn inside me,
and you and I would light the blind night skies.

original
Stars are not in my night sky, not anymore.
I counted them when I was cold and keen;
younger too, out in the blowing, shifting night
wrapped in tweeds and wool and you.
Playing came to love, like warmth to rocks in sun;
remember how we named the distant, dying globes?
I called you by my name, my Aphrodite, and there
upon that glimmer, forever fixed my mortal, living heart.
You found me, too, within Orion’s nameless sword.
Three jewels led you to my appellation,
we laughed to christen Alnitak my own.

Stars are faded now, by vision pulled through ages;
abraided by the sand that dulls the sense and runs,
not never ending, spontaneous through the glassy, tiny phial.
My Aphrodite, you are still beside me;
I touch you more to know you than I did.
What change these dimming days will bring to lovers,
who chose our suns to burn above forever; not thinking
of the night that comes between our spaced embrace--
one long life kiss, one hand that brushes hidden from all sight.
Alnitak, if only I could see you, if just one flicker danced
for these imploring eyes, then all the firmament would burn inside me,

and you and I would see again the sky.

Tectak
(should have gone to Specsavers) 2013
bt and milo...beware the spontaneous trap

I like the poem, but the inversions are killing me. "forever pinned, and forever bright". Forever might have a hand in the killing of me as well. Its just too generic and handy. It feels lazy. Much of the poem sounds generic in fact, and would have been a hot ticket in the sixteenth century. Like the night coming between us. Meh. Much of the poem is brilliant. The lens (lense. It's a word.) metaphor for instance.