Blood

[Kezz]

Blood



I have blood



blood on my thighs



Mother Nature’s fingerprint



pressed hard to that space between my legs



that secret place



that dark place



and you



you Man



will make me ashamed of that blood



ashamed of Mother Nature’s fingerprint



ashamed of that secret place



you will have me feel



it is a place for your hands



yet also for no one



a land free



yet a land imprisoned



that secret place



is my own



a place on my body



like my hands



like my eyes



like my tongue



take them



collect them in a bag



because you think



your creeping hands



like spiders



can spin their web



in that place



but you



you Man



are wrong



take that place



and feel the beat of my hands



and feel the beat of my eyes



and feel the beat of my tongue



you Man



are not strong enough

[cidermaid]

Hi Kezz and welcome to the site. Great to see that you have already offered some crit.

Well my first thought / comment is that the extra spacing make for difficult reading and just interupts the flow of the poem.
So for the sake of this crit I will be closing the gaps. I know that this could be said to be a personal decision /artistic device, but personally I do not think it adds anything to this and I actually find it a bit irritating. JMHO.

The next thing of note for me is the almost complete lack of any puctuation by which to guide my read. For me i just found this confusing. I have tried to make sense of the read in terms of where to leave a line space / pause, but really i was just left guessing. I have offered what sort of felt right but I would like to have it presented as you think it should sound.

The subject is one that is popular over the ages and so i would be hoping to find a fresh voice or approach to the topic. I will give a couple of thoughts on individual lines.

Blood
I have blood
blood on my thighs Immediatly i come across the issue of repitition. (I don't think the second use of blood is needed) As an opening line it has some impact and potential to be developed. I am wondering if this is a crime scene or horror story. So solid enough start and I'm ready for some good details to finish hooking me in

Mother Nature’s fingerprint
pressed hard to that space between my legs
that secret place
that dark place Ok so I am now informed it is a female narrator. I liked the first line image to tell me what the blood is about.

and you
you Man
will make me ashamed of that blood
ashamed of Mother Nature’s fingerprint The repitition and re-use of the same image is a waste of lines and opportunity - tell me something fresh and some new details.
ashamed of that secret place

you will have me feel
it is a place for your hands
yet also for no one
a land free
yet a land imprisoned

that secret place
is my own
a place on my body
like my hands
like my eyes
like my tongue

take them
collect them in a bag
because you think
your creeping hands
like spiders
can spin their web
in that place An image to think on. Need more of these throughout the whole poem.

but you
you Man The use of "you man" just feels forced and wrong. (Think the second you is redundant, here and elsewhere in the poem).
are wrong

take that place This has me a bit confused. After all of that obvious contempt and disdain for the advances of the man, the narrator is now encouraging and inviting the same to let his hands do the walking. Perhaps there is a "to" missing from the start of the line and it is linked into the preceeding lines?
and feel the beat of my hands
and feel the beat of my eyes
and feel the beat of my tongue If fact this whole stanza had me mystified.
So the narrator is tapping out a beat (presuably onto the skin of the man)...and how do eyes measure or express a beat...and as for tongue beats well the only image i getis for some very heavy making out...with the previously despised man. I can just not connect to this. sorryagain JMHO.

you Man
are not strong enough

Apoligies if this is rather a lot to take in and I have offered too much in one hit. I did struggle with what aspect to offer crit on. Please just take what is usefull and disreguard the rest and remember that this is your poem and you are in control of what you want to write. Everything offered is just an opinion.

All the best AJ.

[metalfan91]

(I used cidermaid's comment to ctrl-v this because I agree that the spacing is unecessary.)

Blood Strong opening, but I think the third "blood" needs to go
I have blood
blood on my thighs

Mother Nature’s fingerprint
pressed hard to that space between my legs
that secret place
that dark place This gives "that place" a confounding, mystifying quality - nice.

and you
you Man "you" again is a little ham-fisted
will make me ashamed of that blood
ashamed of Mother Nature’s fingerprint Good, not great, use of repitition. Maybe if you replaced the last stanza with this and reworded as a sort of resolution
ashamed of that secret place

you will have me feel
it is a place for your hands
yet also for no one
a land free
yet a land imprisoned Great image. Let me suggest replacing "it is" with "I am" to make it more personal. Also you can extend the "land free, yet.." metaphor. Like a fertile, lush island that is cut off from the rest of the world by treacherous waters.

that secret place
is my own
a place on my body
like my hands
like my eyes
like my tongue

take them My favorite stanza. A well-placed and well-executed metaphor.
collect them in a bag
because you think
your creeping hands
like spiders
can spin their web
in that place

but you
you Man

take that place

and feel the beat of my hands
and feel the beat of my eyes
and feel the beat of my tongue I admire the concept of this stanza, it asserts the speakers prescence, but it is awkward that the eyes and tongue are beating. Perhaps a different verb for each next time.

you Man
are not strong enough The "you Man" is slighty irritating, but that may just be a bias on my part. Nonetheless I think the ending is rather weak.
------------------------------------------
Plenty of great ideas in this one, yet the execution could be improved. Thanks for the read and good luck with this piece.

-Daniel

[ChristopherSea]

The spacing of the lines in this piece, the lack of punctuation and capitalization, as well as sentence structure nearly ruined this poem for me. I do think that you have established the framework for a portrait of a very disturbed woman. Good job with that! You need to explore the cause of this further, as 'you Man' is cop-out to the readers. I like the spider metaphor, but some other wording than the over-used terms would improve it. e.g., ‘…your bristled fingers, like an arachnid’s spinnerets, stitch something unnatural there…’ (you get the drift). 'Feel the beat' of any of those beautiful things do not seem appropriate for this undeserving man. Combine the advice of all your reviewers thus far and edit your poem. Always keep at it. Most of my work posted here was edited multiple times before and after posting. Good luck!