Bed

[Driguez]

As I lay on my pillow in bed
I dream and ponder thoughts of her in my head.
Though the pain I suffer is miserable and tough
My longing to see her is equal enough
For sometime now my heart has been jaded
A lost loves deep sorrows which have cascaded
The lord has a plan its detaisl unknown
Though he always blesses with a chance to atone
I remember the time I saw saw her at first
All my friends in awe quickly dispersed
For her beauty is unrivaled, no one can compare
Not even the heavens or stars in the air
Charlie would say I was just a wall flower
But who would have known she would be my sunflower
For her beauty lies deeper than makeup and hair
A love so innocent, Im so scared to share
But Im grateful for the time that was spent
Though the feelings and emotions were never meant
I can only confess the happiness she brings
A smile and laugh that makes my heart sing
And though it's a tune that someday will end
It is a song that will play forever in my head
For I will never forget the touch of her skin
A kiss on her neck as she lay in my bed

[animasrwm]

Hi Driguez this is coming across as a poem that has been put together to express emotions inside you but is not quite hitting the mark . There seems to be a tendency by you to try to structure your work around rhyming words instead of just writing what you feel inside. The main thing positive here is the fact that you picked up the pen as it were and have began to write. So well done . The fineness of writing will come through time .

[TheWall0912]

I think the thoughts and feelings behind this poem have potential but they are masked by the rhymes and structure. I definitely agree that your rhyming is driving your poem. I would suggest playing around with wording. I too like to rhyme when I write poems but sometimes it is difficult to make your thoughts rhyme. I would also change up the meter, some of your lines (ex: It is a song that will play forever in my head) are just too long and throw off the reader. See if you can make all of your lines have the same amount of syllables, it will make it a lot easier to read and have a better flow.

Just my opinions though, good start!

[Apophrades]

As I lay on my pillow in bed You didn't have to write 'in bed', lying on a pillow suggests that. You only did it to make a rhyme.
I dream and ponder thoughts of her in my head. I think you should distinguish between dreaming and conscious thinking. "Thoughts" in this line is redundant.
Though the pain I suffer is miserable and tough
My longing to see her is equal enough"Pain" and "longing" are different for everyone, try explaining your experience of them through figurative language, that way your writing becomes less trite, more unique.
For sometime now my heart has been jaded I don't like how you've used the adjective "jaded", it doesn't make sense in this context.
A lost loves deep sorrows which have cascaded There is something grammatically wrong with this line. I can't tell you what it is because I don't know what you're trying to say. Try looking at the S's.
The lord has a plan its detaisl unknown
Though he always blesses with a chance to atone
I remember the time I saw saw her at first
All my friends in awe quickly dispersed
For her beauty is unrivaled, no one can compare There are many lines in your piece like this one, that have redundant phrases. I can't be bothered going through them all. If her beauty is unrivalled, that is the same as saying no one can compare.
Not even the heavens or stars in the air
Charlie would say I was just a wall flower Cool perks reference, very hip.
But who would have known she would be my sunflower
For her beauty lies deeper than makeup and hair
A love so innocent, Im so scared to share
But Im grateful for the time that was spent
Though the feelings and emotions were never meant
I can only confess the happiness she brings
A smile and laugh that makes my heart sing
And though it's a tune that someday will end
It is a song that will play forever in my head
For I will never forget the touch of her skin
A kiss on her neck as she lay in my bed

This piece is a cliche. Try reading some canonical poetry. You will get a feel for what readers are looking for.

[Driguez]

Thanks for the tips. This is the first piece of personal writing I have done in years. I appreciate the feedback. I tried tweeking it a bit, still a work in progress. Let me know your thoughts.

As I lay in bed
Dream and ponder
Of her in my head.
The pain I suffer
Miserable and tough
Longing to see her
Equal enough
My heart has been jaded
Lost loves deep sorrows
Misery and tears cascaded
Dark clouds circled
Only His light shines through
He has a plan
Its detail unknown
He always blesses
A chance to atone
Remember the time
I saw her at first
My friends in awe
Quickly dispersed
Her beauty is unrivaled
No one can compare
Not even the heavens
Nor stars in the air
Charlie would say
I was just a wall flower
But who would have known
She would be my sunflower
Her beauty lies deeper
Than makeup and hair
Love so innocent and pure
So scared to share
Grateful for time that was spent
Feelings and emotions
Never to be meant
I can only confess
The happiness she brings
A smile and laugh
Makes my heart sing
It is a tune
Someday will end
A special song
Forever playing in my head
Never forget
Touch of her skin
A kiss on her neck
As she lay in my bed

[Driguez]

Thanks gor critque. How is the new version?

As I lay on my pillow in bed You didn't have to write 'in bed', lying on a pillow suggests that. You only did it to make a rhyme.
I dream and ponder thoughts of her in my head. I think you should distinguish between dreaming and conscious thinking. "Thoughts" in this line is redundant.
Though the pain I suffer is miserable and tough
My longing to see her is equal enough"Pain" and "longing" are different for everyone, try explaining your experience of them through figurative language, that way your writing becomes less trite, more unique.
For sometime now my heart has been jaded I don't like how you've used the adjective "jaded", it doesn't make sense in this context.
A lost loves deep sorrows which have cascaded There is something grammatically wrong with this line. I can't tell you what it is because I don't know what you're trying to say. Try looking at the S's.
The lord has a plan its detaisl unknown
Though he always blesses with a chance to atone
I remember the time I saw saw her at first
All my friends in awe quickly dispersed
For her beauty is unrivaled, no one can compare There are many lines in your piece like this one, that have redundant phrases. I can't be bothered going through them all. If her beauty is unrivalled, that is the same as saying no one can compare.
Not even the heavens or stars in the air
Charlie would say I was just a wall flower Cool perks reference, very hip.
But who would have known she would be my sunflower
For her beauty lies deeper than makeup and hair
A love so innocent, Im so scared to share
But Im grateful for the time that was spent
Though the feelings and emotions were never meant
I can only confess the happiness she brings
A smile and laugh that makes my heart sing
And though it's a tune that someday will end
It is a song that will play forever in my head
For I will never forget the touch of her skin
A kiss on her neck as she lay in my bed

This piece is a cliche. Try reading some canonical poetry. You will get a feel for what readers are looking for.

---

Thanks for yhe critque. How is new bersion?

I think the thoughts and feelings behind this poem have potential but they are masked by the rhymes and structure. I definitely agree that your rhyming is driving your poem. I would suggest playing around with wording. I too like to rhyme when I write poems but sometimes it is difficult to make your thoughts rhyme. I would also change up the meter, some of your lines (ex: It is a song that will play forever in my head) are just too long and throw off the reader. See if you can make all of your lines have the same amount of syllables, it will make it a lot easier to read and have a better flow.

Just my opinions though, good start!

[fasterthanlight]

Thanks for the tips. This is the first piece of personal writing I have done in years. I appreciate the feedback. I tried tweeking it a bit, still a work in progress. Let me know your thoughts.

As I lay in bed
Dream and ponder
Of her in my head.
The pain I suffer
Miserable and tough
Longing to see her
Equal enough
My heart has been jaded
Lost loves deep sorrows
Misery and tears cascaded
Dark clouds circled
Only His light shines through
He has a plan
Its detail unknown
He always blesses
A chance to atone
Remember the time
I saw her at first
My friends in awe
Quickly dispersed
Her beauty is unrivaled
No one can compare
Not even the heavens
Nor stars in the air
Charlie would say
I was just a wall flower
But who would have known
She would be my sunflower
Her beauty lies deeper
Than makeup and hair
Love so innocent and pure
So scared to share
Grateful for time that was spent
Feelings and emotions
Never to be meant
I can only confess
The happiness she brings
A smile and laugh
Makes my heart sing
It is a tune
Someday will end
A special song
Forever playing in my head
Never forget
Touch of her skin
A kiss on her neck
As she lay in my bed

My first comment on someone's poem, so take everything with a (sizeable) grain of salt.

I think the rhyme scheme modification has served this poem well. I can relate to some of the emotions you're expressing. Something that I would try to address is subtlety. Many of the experencies you're channelling are very strong (many things are absoulte: her beauty is unrivaled, song playing forever in your head, etc) and that comes through in your writing, but I think you should embrace some gray-area in what you are felling, if that makes any sense.