After the Flood

[tectak]

Edit 2.00 milo.christophersea,btrudo for the comma removal after that.

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed
that quenched the animating fuse.
The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new-sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...
provided there is rain.


original
He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
and quenched the fuse of life.
The flood has gone; upon bare land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance.
Provided there is rain.

Tectak
Spring 2013

[milo]

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
and quenched the fuse of life.
The flood has gone; upon bare land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance.
Provided there is rain.

Tectak
Spring 2013

this is actually pretty fucking good. If you put a gun to my head, I would gripe about the second 'and" (L5) possibly the flagrancy of 'upon' and perhaps 'flocculation' for alien entity syndrome. Other than that, I am pretty much sold on the first draft here, Tom, and you know that doesn't happen often.

[tectak]

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
and quenched the fuse of life.
The flood has gone; upon bare land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance.
Provided there is rain.

Tectak
Spring 2013

this is actually pretty fucking good. If you put a gun to my head, I would gripe about the second 'and" (L5) possibly the flagrancy of 'upon' and perhaps 'flocculation' for alien entity syndrome. Other than that, I am pretty much sold on the first draft here, Tom, and you know that doesn't happen often.

Hi milo,
"quenching", maybe, to lose the "and"?
"upon" and I do not get on well but he keeps turning up uninvited...what to do to get rid? Any thoughts upon it?
floc·cu·late (fl k y -l t ). v. floc·cu·lat·ed, floc·cu·lat·ing, floc·cu·lates. v.tr. 1. To cause (soil) to form lumps or masses. 2. To cause (clouds) to form fluffy masses. v.intr.
Hmmm.
It is not an agricultural term but hey, I'm no farmer. Et tu?
Thanks for the pat...appreciated. Will edit.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
and quenched the fuse of life.
The flood has gone; upon bare land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance.
Provided there is rain.

Tectak
Spring 2013

this is actually pretty fucking good. If you put a gun to my head, I would gripe about the second 'and" (L5) possibly the flagrancy of 'upon' and perhaps 'flocculation' for alien entity syndrome. Other than that, I am pretty much sold on the first draft here, Tom, and you know that doesn't happen often.

Hi milo,
"quenching", maybe, to lose the "and"?
"upon" and I do not get on well but he keeps turning up uninvited...what to do to get rid? Any thoughts upon it?
floc·cu·late (fl k y -l t ). v. floc·cu·lat·ed, floc·cu·lat·ing, floc·cu·lates. v.tr. 1. To cause (soil) to form lumps or masses. 2. To cause (clouds) to form fluffy masses. v.intr.
Hmmm.
It is not an agricultural term but hey, I'm no farmer. Et tu?
Thanks for the pat...appreciated. Will edit.
Best,
tectak

I know what flocculation means (thank you google) it is just an ugly word to say in such an earthy poem. I would prefer "clumping earth" to it, but maybe it is me.

The upon has to go. Upon means "up on" and nothing happens, really, up on bare land unless that bare land is a mountain, and I think you would have mentione it. I see you rid the 'and' already.

[tectak]

this is actually pretty fucking good. If you put a gun to my head, I would gripe about the second 'and" (L5) possibly the flagrancy of 'upon' and perhaps 'flocculation' for alien entity syndrome. Other than that, I am pretty much sold on the first draft here, Tom, and you know that doesn't happen often.

Hi milo,
"quenching", maybe, to lose the "and"?
"upon" and I do not get on well but he keeps turning up uninvited...what to do to get rid? Any thoughts upon it?
floc·cu·late (fl k y -l t ). v. floc·cu·lat·ed, floc·cu·lat·ing, floc·cu·lates. v.tr. 1. To cause (soil) to form lumps or masses. 2. To cause (clouds) to form fluffy masses. v.intr.
Hmmm.
It is not an agricultural term but hey, I'm no farmer. Et tu?
Thanks for the pat...appreciated. Will edit.
Best,
tectak

I know what flocculation means (thank you google) it is just an ugly word to say in such an earthy poem. I would prefer "clumping earth" to it, but maybe it is me.

The upon has to go. Upon means "up on" and nothing happens, really, up on bare land unless that bare land is a mountain, and I think you would have mentione it. I see you rid the 'and' already.

You got it. upon gone. Flocculation is of the earth!
Best,
Tectak

[ChristopherSea]

I love this as an avid gardener Tectak! There may be better choices for two lines for me. I would maitain the 8-count and one near rhyme with something like this:

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
that quenched the animating fuse.

The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...
with ample rain.

... or something of this nature, see what you think. Nice work./Chris

[tectak]

I love this as an avid gardener Tectak! There may be better choices for two lines for me. I would maitain the 8-count and one near rhyme with something like this:

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
that quenched the animating fuse.

The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...
with ample rain.

... or something of this nature, see what you think. Nice work./Chris

Thanks Chris,
Very good points on this, a simple piece. I read stuff out loud and so tend to hear the rhythm rather than count it out so I permit the odd (and I mean odd) skip to add texture. That does not mean that I will not try it as you suggest though I will disavow myself of your last line suggestion!
Now, the "animating fuse". I have nearly used that before...and so did, almost, Dylan Thomas (The force that through the green fuse drives the flower). The problem with "animating" is just that...it is just too animal and not enough plant! Having got that off my thorax I LIKE your suggestion so will give it a whirl.
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

I love this as an avid gardener Tectak! There may be better choices for two lines for me. I would maitain the 8-count and one near rhyme with something like this:

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
that quenched the animating fuse.

The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...
with ample rain.

... or something of this nature, see what you think. Nice work./Chris

Thanks Chris,
Very good points on this, a simple piece. I read stuff out loud and so tend to hear the rhythm rather than count it out so I permit the odd (and I mean odd) skip to add texture. That does not mean that I will not try it as you suggest though I will disavow myself of your last line suggestion!
Now, the "animating fuse". I have nearly used that before...and so did, almost, Dylan Thomas (The force that through the green fuse drives the flower). The problem with "animating" is just that...it is just too animal and not enough plant! Having got that off my thorax I LIKE your suggestion so will give it a whirl.
Best,
tectak

My pleasure! Keep in mind that my word choices were more to fill in the count and test the meter than match the poem or poet's style.

[Truerenigma]

Edit 2.00 milo.christophersea

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
that quenched the animating fuse.
The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...
provided there is rain.


original
He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
and quenched the fuse of life.
The flood has gone; upon bare land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance.
Provided there is rain.

Tectak
Spring 2013

Stick a fork in it. I wouldn't change a thing.

[milo]

Edit 2.00 milo.christophersea

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
that quenched the animating fuse.
The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...
provided there is rain.

yah, this is pretty good, Tom. It is concise. Maybe "new-sown". I am liking the sonics. I will read a few more times and note if anythig else pops up.

[tectak]

Edit 2.00 milo.christophersea

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
that quenched the animating fuse.
The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...
provided there is rain.

yah, this is pretty good, Tom. It is concise. Maybe "new-sown". I am liking the sonics. I will read a few more times and note if anythig else pops up.

Thanks milo, true,chris. Hyphen coming. This may be a wrap.
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

Edit 2.00 milo.christophersea

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
that quenched the animating fuse.
The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new-sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...
provided there is rain.


original
He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
and quenched the fuse of life.
The flood has gone; upon bare land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance.
Provided there is rain.

Tectak
Spring 2013

Apologies to all but I have determined that "suffocant" is probably the wrong word. I am leaving it in italics but will need to find a better choice! Genuine error on my part. I was sure I had heard that some gases and liquids were classed as "suffocants" but I can find no proof of this. Any help gratefully considered.
Best,
tectak

[cidermaid]

Um yes but not sure how common it is. (Could just be the random life I lead)
In cidermaking we use nitrogen as a suffocant on a tank with head space.
Basically we use the Nitrogen to exclude the air to smother the bacterial growth / spoilage organisms.
Not sure if this helps or not.

[tectak]

Um yes but not sure how common it is. (Could just be the random life I lead)
In cidermaking we use nitrogen as a suffocant on a tank with head space.
Basically we use the Nitrogen to exclude the air to smother the bacterial growth / spoilage organisms.
Not sure if this helps or not.

Hi cider,
...but do you use the term "suffocant" as a noun?
Lifeline!
Best,
tectak

[cidermaid]

I'm perhaps not the best person to ask such questions, but yes (I think we do use it as a noun) because we might say something like "The suffocant" (meaning the nitrogen) has not held"....
but then again i think we might also use it as a verb because we say "Put a blanket of nitrogen over the cider" meaning we want the action of a suffocant.
I am of the persuasion that it is correct to say that this is a noun. I found this website with the use of suffocant to name specific products that have this action (as opposed to asphixiation) in...wait for it headlice. Lovely!
http://www.health.state.mn.us/divs/idepc...tment.html
It lists a suffocant as a number of specific liquid based products and then goes on to list how such should be applied. As follows:-
The alternative treatments listed below are referred to as suffocants. When applied, the treatment may suffocate and/or create a habitat unfavorable to the head lice.

petroleum jelly (Vaseline®)
mayonnaise
oil (e.g., vegetable, olive, or mineral)

General Instructions for Suffocant Treatment*

Still not sure i have clarified or been of much help. I can see what your problem is here in calling this one.
All the best AJ.

[Truerenigma]

I see no problem with claiming a license for suffocant. Btw a desiccant is and only is a desiccant for moisture, or water. It could be a desiccant to seed. But not for.

[tectak]

Suffocant is an adjective, even in French Tom. Asphyxiant is a noun, but refers to gases (CO2, CO, N2, etc.) that starve oxygen from animal species. In your poem you are referring to 'water starvation,' if I am reading it correctly. Soil too dry to germinate seeds is desiccated. Agents that dry water from something are desiccants (noun) and could substitute:

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a desiccant for seed,
that quenched the animating fuse.

It might work for you./Chris

No. Water excess. A flood. Drowns the seed by excluding oxygen. Seed then rots.
Suffocation.
Hmmm.
Best,
Tom

---

I'm perhaps not the best person to ask such questions, but yes (I think we do use it as a noun) because we might say something like "The suffocant" (meaning the nitrogen) has not held"....
but then again i think we might also use it as a verb because we say "Put a blanket of nitrogen over the cider" meaning we want the action of a suffocant.
I am of the persuasion that it is correct to say that this is a noun. I found this website with the use of suffocant to name specific products that have this action (as opposed to asphixiation) in...wait for it headlice. Lovely!
http://www.health.state.mn.us/divs/idepc...tment.html
It lists a suffocant as a number of specific liquid based products and then goes on to list how such should be applied. As follows:-
The alternative treatments listed below are referred to as suffocants. When applied, the treatment may suffocate and/or create a habitat unfavorable to the head lice.

petroleum jelly (Vaseline®)
mayonnaise
oil (e.g., vegetable, olive, or mineral)

General Instructions for Suffocant Treatment*

Still not sure i have clarified or been of much help. I can see what your problem is here in calling this one.
All the best AJ.

YES! Thanks cider. As I HOPED/thought.
It stays.
Best,
tectak.

[Truerenigma]

Suffocant is an adjective, even in French Tom. Asphyxiant is a noun, but refers to gases (CO2, CO, N2, etc.) that starve oxygen from animal species. In your poem you are referring to 'water starvation,' if I am reading it correctly. Soil too dry to germinate seeds is desiccated. Agents that dry water from something are desiccants (noun) and could substitute:

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a desiccant for seed,
that quenched the animating fuse.

It might work for you./Chris

No. Water excess. A flood. Drowns the seed by excluding oxygen. Seed then rots.
Suffocation.
Hmmm.
Best,
Tom

---

I'm perhaps not the best person to ask such questions, but yes (I think we do use it as a noun) because we might say something like "The suffocant" (meaning the nitrogen) has not held"....
but then again i think we might also use it as a verb because we say "Put a blanket of nitrogen over the cider" meaning we want the action of a suffocant.
I am of the persuasion that it is correct to say that this is a noun. I found this website with the use of suffocant to name specific products that have this action (as opposed to asphixiation) in...wait for it headlice. Lovely!
http://www.health.state.mn.us/divs/idepc...tment.html
It lists a suffocant as a number of specific liquid based products and then goes on to list how such should be applied. As follows:-
The alternative treatments listed below are referred to as suffocants. When applied, the treatment may suffocate and/or create a habitat unfavorable to the head lice.

petroleum jelly (Vaseline®)
mayonnaise
oil (e.g., vegetable, olive, or mineral)

General Instructions for Suffocant Treatment*

Still not sure i have clarified or been of much help. I can see what your problem is here in calling this one.
All the best AJ.

YES! Thanks cider. As I HOPED/thought.
It stays.
Best,
tectak.

Is that your final answer?

[ChristopherSea]

Whoops, somehow I missed the flood part, duh! I usually leap before I look... After I read cidermaid's article on lice, I see that suffocant suffices as a noun!
Found this on Seed Suffocation:

'Overly wet soil drowns the seed before it can germinate successfully. Seeds require oxygen and moisture to sprout. Too much water prevents the seed from accessing the oxygen in the soil. If the seed does manage to germinate, the young plant drowns and begins to rot before it can emerge from the soil surface. If the seed gets proper moisture during germination but is over-watered after sprouting, the seedling may develop healthy leaves, but the roots will suffocate and rot.'

Let it ride as is!

[btrudo]

Edit 2.00 milo.christophersea

He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed
perhaps one of the few comma use/non-use that I've learned in the past decade, restrictive "that" uses no comma
that quenched the animating fuse.
The flood has gone; to heal the land
he scarifies the earth again
sounds fine, but I see no evidence of "again" here
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new-sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance...provided there is rain.
not so thrilled seeing the ... and then the last line

This sounds good overall, though the struggle of too much rain vs. not enough rain doesn't particularly grab me here. With that mind, the shortness of the piece might be undercutting its impact.


original
He kicks beneath the paling crust
to where the sun has failed the earth
and flocculation turned the juice
into a suffocant for seed,
and quenched the fuse of life.
The flood has gone; upon bare land
he scarifies the earth again
and turns the rotting germ to light.
Time walks beside the new sown grain
and promises each dormant husk
another chance.
Provided there is rain.

Tectak
Spring 2013
[/quote]