Lung Darts

[TheWall0912]

A stain on my teeth: yellowish color,
like that of a rotten banana.
Screams go unheard for many years
from my lungs: suffocating.
The strength of desire:
uncontrollable,
whenever I
try to quit
smoking
them.

[ChristopherSea]

I like this one, the message, the image, the inverted etheree structure and the clever title. Those colons may not be needed and yellowish is not a favorite. A possible edit is:

A stain on my teeth, yellow in color,
like that of a rotten banana.
Screams go unheard for many years
from my lungs suffocating.
The strength of desire's
uncontrollable,
whenever I
try to quit
smoking
them.

[Bunx]

i like this poem alot. continuing minimalist line structure brings the notion of death into the poem, which is highlighted by deterioration.
awesome poem! wish i had more to say

[Keith]

A stain on my teeth: yellowish color, not sure of yellowish color what about "taints my smile" or something else
like that of a rotten banana. this sounds funny and doesn't fit somehow
Screams go unheard for many years
from my lungs: suffocating. could be drowning not suffocating
The strength of desire:
uncontrollable,
whenever I
try to quit
smoking
them.

This is quite a heavy topic and a good one, so it would be good if you could work in some strong images that show what you are saying.Best TOMH

[Kezz]

I loved the minimalistic structure and that the poem itself is very raw and stripped down (no dictionary required). The banana simile though is a little awkward in the poem and I feel that it sort of obstructs the rhythm of the poem.

[ScurryFunger]

A stain on my teeth: yellowish color,
like that of a rotten banana.
Screams go unheard for many years
from my lungs: suffocating.
The strength of desire:
uncontrollable,
whenever I
try to quit
smoking
them.

the stain on a smokers teeth isnt yellow, it's brown, so, that matches the 'rotten banana' thing, change 'yellowish' to 'brownish' and you're on a winner, lol.

[BillyM]

Hi I don't have the skill to critique your poem, but I love the clarity and minimalism of yours. I think you've nailed what it means to be addicted; which is also an inspiration for my work.

[Erthona]

Ah, an updated version of coffin nails, I like it.

I think I would either go with "smoking" or "them" but not both. If you wanted to extend the metaphor of darts further, I suppose you could say

"whenever I
try to quit
throwing
them."

Just a thought...maybe not a good one

Dale