Perspective

[g681899]

I

I'd never experimented sexually.
One boy was lonely and far from home,
He slept in my bed clothed.
We did nothing.

The next day jeers from the lads
Assuming I'd broken that sweet boy
With my womanly touch.

Some called me slut,
A little.

II

A few weeks later,
I took a man from a club
To my bed. I gave him oral.
We did nothing more.

The next day jeers from the lads
Assuming I'd broken that sweet man
With my womanly touch.

Some called me slut,
A lot.

III

I have no memory until
He was on top of me.
I was powerless to
His nightmare shadow.

The next day jeers from the lads
When I cried rape:
'Did you enjoy it?'

Surely, she must have led that man
With her womanly touch.

[Leanne]

I don't normally say this (as all will testify), but this is incredibly powerful writing. You have used very simple techniques to bring home a strong message that is not watered down by over-writing, as can so often happen.

I will suggest only that you look at where you've placed your line breaks in the first strophe of III, as breaking on prepositions can be distracting. It's absolutely not terminal though.

Thank you for this.

[g681899]

Thank you for your critique and kind words. I agree with your comments on preposition breaks:

The next day jeers from the lads
When I cried rape: 'Did you enjoy it?'
Assuming I must have led that man
With my womanly touch.

This already seems better. I suspect a rewording may be best, I'll need to consider it.

Thank you again.

[ChristopherSea]

This reflects an absurd, shameful and heinous reality. Sex forced upon a woman against her will is rape and assault. I don't care if she wore no underwear or was a professional, no woman is asking for rape. Those lads of yours are just as guilty as the rapist in some aspects. I don't know any one like that, but I know they exist.

I don't think you need the numbers, they weaken the drama and impact for me. I might do this with your piece:

Perspective


I'd never experimented sexually.
One lonely boy, far from home,
slept in my bed fully clothed.
We did nothing.

The next day, jeers from the lads,
assuming I'd broken that sweet boy
with my womanly touch.

Some called me slut,
a little.

A few weeks later,
I brought a man from a club
to my bed. I gave him oral.
We did nothing more.

The next day, jeers from the lads,
presuming I'd broken that sweet man
with my womanly touch.

Some called me slut,
a lot.

I had no memory
until He was on top of me.
I was powerless against
this shadowy nightmare.

The next day, jeers from the lads
When I cried rape:
'Did you enjoy it?'

Surely, she must have led that man on
with her womanly touch.

...or something like this. See what you think. Don't cap every line and put in commas for proper grammar, flow and pause. Potent and poignant poetry!

[jdguyb]

some parts throw off the rhythm. try not breaking the rythm

[makeshift]

As others have said powerful poem. The last section really came as a surprise to me. The straightforward and almost bleak language serve as a great vehicle for delivering your message. I agree with others that the rhythm could use some work though there certainly is something worthwhile to the current stilted nature of it. The only line I didn't care for was "his shadowy nightmare." as it felt a bit cliche. Thnx for sharing. (: