Looking at the Children’s Home By William Marsland.

[billy]

I sit and rest my back
against the gnarled trunk.
My broad sycamore, solitary standing
pays no never mind,
has no memory of scuffed knees,
of ripped trousers, and torn tears
Long boughs form a conspicuous canopy
reaching for the barren hedgerow
of an otherwise naked common.

A dancing wren, wings splayed
Distracts my view.
High faded palisades dissolve
as it wrests a half-cut worm
from a hard hoarfrost ground,
ascends to a low branch and
vacuously takes a shit

[digna_sofia]

I sit and rest my back
against the gnarled trunk. change punctuation - maybe semicolon?
My broad sycamore, solitary standing lovely alliteration
pays no never mind,
has no memory of scuffed knees,
of ripped trousers, and torn tears remove the comma to make it "flow quicker"?
Long boughs form a conspicuous canopy This alliteration is especially pretty
reaching for the barren hedgerow
of an otherwise naked common. These last three lines are (and last three words) make a wonderfully striking image; do not change in re-write

A dancing wren, wings splayed Visual alliteration and actual image is nicely done
Distracts my view.
High faded palisades dissolve
as it wrests a half-cut worm
from a hard hoarfrost ground,
ascends to a low branch and
vacuously takes a shit Imagery of last five lines punctuated by crassness = brilliantly done.

Much of my criticism of this poem involves the phrasing and punctuation - but because that is based on the poet's personal rhythm, I tried not to fiddle with it unless I believe it would help better express the feel of downright apathy that I think the speaker is trying to express. I would have liked a longer description of the tree, or the speaker's relationship with the tree, just to emphasize a memory as a counterpoint to the lack of sentimentality.

Still, I think this poem is solid in terms of language in reference to the theme (or what I think the theme is).

[billy]

great thanks for the grammar smack

sadly mine isn't up to scratch.

i'll certainly consider adding a stanza about the connect at a later date.
nice feedback, thanks again

[addy]

Wow! I think digna pretty much covered all the surface corrections.

I think you should add an extra stanza here. With the poem this short, the focus you put on the birds comes off a little random (imo, anyway). But its a thoughful, visually luscious piece nonetheless

[Bianca Alabaster]

Well Billy, guess I'm an old fashioned romantic... loved the whole piece but the last line.
ruined it for me.
it was a beautiful - paradise journey and then - ick at the end

I'd prefer something like:

feeds the open beaks or feeds her hungry young

just my opinion though

[billy]

Well Billy, guess I'm an old fashioned romantic... loved the whole piece but the last line.
ruined it for me.
it was a beautiful - paradise journey and then - ick at the end

I'd prefer something like:

feeds the open beaks or feeds her hungry young

just my opinion though

thanks for the feedback Bianca, i can't give a reason other than blame my upbringing

i was trying to show that nothing really cared about the man or the boy. that life goes on regardless. i'll think about what you said when i do an edit though