dogged

[ScurryFunger]

I'm a novice at critique, so appologies if I was doing it wrong.

I'd welcome your comments, I'm braced and feeling fine.

Your fading light is fainter
than it ever was before,
your filigreed wall is denser now
than when you gave me more.
I'm not sure how it happened,
but you slowly slipped away,
to out of reach and out of touch
of the games we used to play.

I never expected anything
but I had a ray of hope,
that curled around emotions
like a pale pink silken rope.
My intellect tried to tell me
that I was lurching into daft,
but starlight reflected in your eyes
and at your cruel words, I laughed.

I thought my love of angst
would carry on, for never-ending time,
a chequered quilt of constant warmth
that made me feel sublime.
But it's fraying at the edges
with patches of threadbare,
I'll carry on regardless though
till I'm left with nothing there.

[TheWall0912]

Hello,

This is a fine start to a poem, the theme is consistent. The one thing I would look over (if you're interested in editing) would be the meter. It changes throughout the poem. If you wanted a little better flow you should keep the meter consistent. Excellent rhyming though, no complaints there. I could also argue that there isn't really a "point" to this piece. It's nice and heartfelt and but there's no "bang" at the end. Not all poems need this, and definitely not all of mine have it, but it might have more of an effect on the reader if you add one.

Just my opinions though, good read, thanks!

[ScurryFunger]

Hello,

This is a fine start to a poem, the theme is consistent. The one thing I would look over (if you're interested in editing) would be the meter. It changes throughout the poem. If you wanted a little better flow you should keep the meter consistent. Excellent rhyming though, no complaints there. I could also argue that there isn't really a "point" to this piece. It's nice and heartfelt and but there's no "bang" at the end. Not all poems need this, and definitely not all of mine have it, but it might have more of an effect on the reader if you add one.

Just my opinions though, good read, thanks!

Thanks, I wish I had put a space at the bottom, talking of spaces, I might give putting some in between some of the lines a go, see if that helps, I'm a bit under educated in the land of 'meter' and things, I do remember once counting sylables on my hands for a poem.
I'm often unsure of my point and was never one for a big finish.

thanks again for commenting, it's given me something to do.

[makeshift]

I agree with most of what TheWall0912 said. I like the first stanza the most. Overall the poem just felt rough to me in some places. Certainly some good lines and nice rhyming in there. (:

Your fading light is fainter
than it ever was before,
your filigreed wall is denser now Not sure if I like filigreed here, feels unnatural in context
than when you gave me more. Maybe im overlooking something but this line feels a bit vague
I'm not sure how it happened,
but you slowly slipped away, This part feels a bit redundant given you opened the poem with "your fading light is fainter" to me it almost seems to say the same thing but again perhaps i''m overlooking something
to out of reach and out of touch
of the games we used to play.

I never expected anything
but I had a ray of hope,
that curled around emotions
like a pale pink silken rope. Not sure what a pale pink silken rope is but I like the way this line read (:
My intellect tried to tell me
that I was lurching into daft,
but starlight reflected in your eyes
and at your cruel words, I laughed. This line feels a bit wordy

I thought my love of angst
would carry on, for never-ending time, From about here onward the flow suffers some imo.
a chequered quilt of constant warmth
that made me feel sublime.
But it's fraying at the edges
with patches of threadbare,
I'll carry on regardless though
till I'm left with nothing there.

Center alignment made commenting on this a bit wonky > . <

[ScurryFunger]

I agree with most of what TheWall0912 said. I like the first stanza the most. Overall the poem just felt rough to me in some places. Certainly some good lines and nice rhyming in there. (:

Your fading light is fainter
than it ever was before,
your filigreed wall is denser now Not sure if I like filigreed here, feels unnatural in context
than when you gave me more. Maybe im overlooking something but this line feels a bit vague
I'm not sure how it happened,
but you slowly slipped away, This part feels a bit redundant given you opened the poem with "your fading light is fainter" to me it almost seems to say the same thing but again perhaps i''m overlooking something
to out of reach and out of touch
of the games we used to play.

I never expected anything
but I had a ray of hope,
that curled around emotions
like a pale pink silken rope. Not sure what a pale pink silken rope is but I like the way this line read (:
My intellect tried to tell me
that I was lurching into daft,
but starlight reflected in your eyes
and at your cruel words, I laughed. This line feels a bit wordy

I thought my love of angst
would carry on, for never-ending time, From about here onward the flow suffers some imo.
a chequered quilt of constant warmth
that made me feel sublime.
But it's fraying at the edges
with patches of threadbare,
I'll carry on regardless though
till I'm left with nothing there.

Center alignment made commenting on this a bit wonky > . <

That was so much more than a mild critique (or it was at least mild)

I was hoping to be broken in gently.

[TheWall0912]

Hello,

This is a fine start to a poem, the theme is consistent. The one thing I would look over (if you're interested in editing) would be the meter. It changes throughout the poem. If you wanted a little better flow you should keep the meter consistent. Excellent rhyming though, no complaints there. I could also argue that there isn't really a "point" to this piece. It's nice and heartfelt and but there's no "bang" at the end. Not all poems need this, and definitely not all of mine have it, but it might have more of an effect on the reader if you add one.

Just my opinions though, good read, thanks!

Thanks, I wish I had put a space at the bottom, talking of spaces, I might give putting some in between some of the lines a go, see if that helps, I'm a bit under educated in the land of 'meter' and things, I do remember once counting sylables on my hands for a poem.
I'm often unsure of my point and was never one for a big finish.

thanks again for commenting, it's given me something to do.

The way you broke it up is good! It's best to keep similar thoughts together, at least in my opinion. When I think of meter I generally think of counting syllables as well. For example, lines 4 through 8 of your poem:
I'm not sure how it happened,
but you slowly slipped away,
out of reach and out of touch I took out the "to" here to make each line have the same number of syllables, I didn't know why you had it in there anyway.
of the games we used to play.

But anyway, that's just one example. Hope I helped! If that's what you were looking for.

[makeshift]

That was so much more than a mild critique (or it was at least mild)
I was hoping to be broken in gently.

Sorry, trying my hardest to be helpful. I'm new to poetry, witting, reading, and critiquing especially so take my comments with a grain of salt. (:

[ScurryFunger]

Hi, yep, I am looking for help I guess, (can you tell I'm gritting my teeth)

nah only kidding, I like to think that I'm not beyond help, you gave me the spacing idea and I like it better now.

perhaps I could work on explaining things in the actual poem. (is lolling allowed, cos It's a habit that I have)

---

That was so much more than a mild critique (or it was at least mild)
I was hoping to be broken in gently.

Sorry, trying my hardest to be helpful. I'm new to poetry, witting, reading, and critiquing especially so take my comments with a grain of salt. (:

now you made me feel bad!

no worries, I'm new around here too, theres so much to learn

I'm def going to start using that preview post button, thats for sure

[Zabrina]

I never expected anything
but I had a ray of hope,
that curled around emotions l
ike a pale pink silken rope.
My intellect tried to tell me
that I was lurching into daft,
but starlight reflected in your eyes
and at your cruel words, I laughed ( this part)

The last line, it feels like when you have put 'I laughed', it was as if you were desperate to fill the line as to not make it too short haha. In my opinion, it seems out of place. Doesn't fit with rhyming and sounds a bit forced.


To me, the last stanza seems to be the most awkward.

I thought my love of angst
would carry on, for never-ending time, (this part)
a chequered quilt of constant warmth
that made me feel sublime.
But it's fraying at the edges
with patches of threadbare,
I'll carry on regardless though
till I'm left with nothing there.

The second line seems to be too long and doesnt quite fit because the rhyming wasn't consistent. Angst was meant to rhyme with warmth to keep consistency. as well as edges and though should have rhymed.

As everyone else though, I liked the first stanza too. It started pretty good, especiallu the rhyming.

[ScurryFunger]

Oh dear, I'm feeling like I can't take a bit of critism, but I read your 'the rhyming wasn't consistant' and said 'oh yes it is' lol

hope, rope, daft, laughed
time, sublime, threadbare, there

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to change things too really, cos at his cruel words, I laughed (whilst crying on the inside) heh

sorry, I think perhaps I should try with another poem that I'm more willing to be swayed by opinion on.

thankyou for reading it and bothering to comment, it's appreciated

[The Jester]

I really liked the simplicity of this.
As for it not having a point, I think that depends on what the reader gets out of it. Personally, I was able to relate rather well, specifically to the feeling of seeing a persons light fade.

"I never expected anything
but I had a ray of hope,
that curled around emotions
like a pale pink silken rope"

Really liked the imagery produced from these lines, but I feel the next 4 lines in that stanza fall weak, I think the rhyme seems lazy.

As for feeling like you cant take critique, please remember that these are just opinions, not the be-all-and-end-all. Don't lose sight of why you wrote this, keep a grip on the feelings that fed it, no one can take that away, or will ever understand it in the same way as you.

[blah]

As was already mentioned by a poster, I didn';t quite understand the pale pink silken rope:

I never expected anything
but I had a ray of hope,
that curled around emotions
like a pale pink silken rope.

...however I too loved the way it read! Something to do with it coiling, curling, around emotions. Mentioned as a ray of hope (light, good, hope, etc.) whereas curing around emotions like a pale rope implies strangulation, tied down,. restrictred etc. which is perhaps why I found it intriguing, antithesis. If you'd like to, could you explain? Not trying to pick apart your work, I'm just rather interested at what YOU were trying to portray.

Yep, agree with Jester just opinions, I'm certainly not qualified for critique. Also worth a mention, you intro'd your poem by asking for comments and stating you're braced for them, which I take as "don't be afraid to be harsh", perhaps this is why you received a little more than bargained for.

Thanks for sharing Scurry!