realization

[blah]

tattered and lost
nostalgia grabs
stumble, dropped,

blinking

fast falling reflections
despair drifts from the sky

mortified

rippling beauty of the surface
tumultuous smokey reflection,

deliverance

hung, waiting, splashing
verve and vigor
beauty falls from within

dark, grey, unmoved
apathetic

realization

reflections bare
it's the vessel

[Malu]

tattered and lost
nostalgia grabs
stumble, dropped,

blinking

fast falling reflections
despair drifts from the sky

mortified

rippling beauty of the surface
tumultuous smokey reflection,

deliverance

hung, waiting, splashing
verve and vigor
beauty falls from within

dark, grey, unmoved
apathetic

realization

reflections bare
it's the vessel

The listing of descriptions mixed with more vivid explanations is ok, but I would like to be shown and visualize what you are saying rather than be told with the listing of several things. Just my critique, hope this helps!

[cidermaid]

Hi Blah,

I'm sorry but i could not make any sense in terms of content or poetic art from your (to my read) list of random words. Normally in this forum I try and think of something possitive to say to encourage the writer, but for once i am at a loss to know what could be done beyond a complete re-write with some sort of connection offered to make this more than just a list. You need to show me what it is that is the object or event of the realisation.

Sorry to be so harsh AJ.

[Jim Steele]

I got a bit lost in the abstract wording, but I'm not that difficult to confuse. I do have one question, though - the structure of the poem - I liked the rhythm, with occasional words isolated for emphasis, but was there any particular reason why the stanzas varied between three short lines and two longer ones, or did it just work out that way when you wrote it?

Thanks for sharing

[SimikPK]

I cannot see very much of a logical line that would hold the poem together. The only logic i see is: mortified - deliverance - realization, but the stuff in between makes no sense to me. Maybe focus more on the process and reduce the "lists of words"

[metalfan91]

I can appreciate what you tried to do with this, but I feel the execution is off. You have to let the reader feel the poem, and I think the structure of this detracts from that. This is like the skeleton of the poem you're trying to write, now it needs the rest.

[Dreamer]

I don't understand the point of your poem, sorry. It doesn't seem to make much sense.

[tigrflye]

I read it twice. Then a third time, slowly. I really tried to understand where you were taking me but I'm just confused. I see "reflections" used three times.. bare, smokey, falling fast. I just feel like this is a strange, drug induced hallucination?

[Highever]

Hi Blah,

I'm sorry but i could not make any sense in terms of content or poetic art from your (to my read) list of random words. Normally in this forum I try and think of something possitive to say to encourage the writer, but for once i am at a loss to know what could be done beyond a complete re-write with some sort of connection offered to make this more than just a list. You need to show me what it is that is the object or event of the realisation.

Sorry to be so harsh AJ.

Some interesting terminology, I don't know if I'd be so strict with my appraisal, but there is definitely something to be desired with the poem.

[bena]

Nouns would make everything make sense. I generally like stream of concious poetry, but I need something here to hold onto. Gimme some nouns, please. Your vocabulary is nice.

[tectak]

I can appreciate what you tried to do with this, but I feel the execution is off. You have to let the reader feel the poem, and I think the structure of this detracts from that. This is like the skeleton of the poem you're trying to write, now it needs the rest.

....the execution is off? Oh hell, I've come all this way for nothing!

[Mogra]

tattered and lost
nostalgia grabs
stumble, dropped,

blinking

fast falling reflections
despair drifts from the sky

mortified

rippling beauty of the surface
tumultuous smokey reflection,

deliverance

hung, waiting, splashing
verve and vigor
beauty falls from within

dark, grey, unmoved
apathetic

realization

reflections bare
it's the vessel

I'm not sure I follow this, do the single words refer to the preceding lines?

[Nafy]

Though I greatly appreciate both the rhythm and the minimalistic technique in this poem as it is very similar to my own, it seems that it may be too minimalistic in that, you may need to add more details so that the reader can more easily understand the meaning. It probably means a lot to you but the reader needs a bit more to go on. Hope this helps

[Erthona]

"hung, waiting, splashing
verve and vigor"

Nothing ambiguous about that. It is of course talking about some guy who is hung, and he is waiting for his girlfriend to start splashing, which fills him with "verve and vigor", as opposed to "vim and vigor". You realize that "verve and vigor" is somewhat redundant as they are synonyms of each other.

When you try and be this minimal (and that is being kind), then you deserve whatever interpretation any fool who is stupid enough to try puts up as to what you are saying.


Dale

[Xavier Horovitz]

I think you've focused on trying to sound extremely poetic, and you seem to have gotten a bit lost in that. As a consequence, I've felt pretty lost in it too. I'm sure there's definitely an intended meaning (or I'd hope) but no matter how much I look at it, I can't begin to piece anything together. I think the large variety of words that you use can be recrafted into something great, though.

[RyanRader13]

I feel a bit lost, maybe it could go great with an interpretive dance or maybe like some kind of trance techno track. maybe rewrite it give it a story or a setting to fill it in

[nhanna1223]

I didn't understand this. Don't take it to heart though. Personally, I like things speller out in plain English.