The sword master

[jdguyb]

His blade is deadly, holy code fills it with strength.
There is no darkness in his soul, for he is pure.
The blade of the sword master is to length
When he strikes his enemies, whose blood is impure
They die a terrible death, that is assured.

The dark knight is powerful, bending holy will.
His hands are hate, spite, and greed for power.
When will his dark rage be satisfied? The thrill.
His magic is capable of delivering an evil shower,
meteorites and brimstone from his dark tower.

The sword master approaches the dark tower,
the dark knight sends his magic at him
but the sword master is prepared with his flower,
a magical flower capable of crushing dark magic at a whim
The sword masters magic is powerful enough to save him.

He approaches the dark gate to the dark tower
He has been preparing for this moment for so long.
He will be steadfast and ready, he will not cower.
He hears in his head, his beautiful wife's song.
He must remain ready, he must remain strong.

He climbs the stairs with ardor, entering the throne room.
They lock eyes and draw their swords of powerful magic.
The sword master must win, to save all from doom.
If he were to lose, the loss would be dreadfully tragic.
He dreams of the open ocean, to become pelagic.

The fight is quick, his training served him well.
He deliver's a final blow to his mortal enemy.
He shows no mercy and delivers his foe into hell,
where he shall feel pain and torture endlessly
The sword master has won, and he basks in all it revelry.

[Volaticus]

Too many forced rhymes, resulting in awkward sounding or unnecessary lines or parts of lines. A lot of repetition going on too, ie: 'the dark tower' is being repeated three times in seven lines; felt a bit too much. JMHO of course.
-LB

[ChristopherSea]

It is alright to tell a story, but your piece is all narrative with little emotion, imagery or metaphor. Over a dozen of your lines begin with He or His. The lines were all written to conform to the rhyming, which truly mangles them for the reader. Write the lines first and then ask if the poem will sound better with rhyme. This line becomes silly with it's end rhyme: 'He dreams of the open ocean, to become pelagic.' Think about what you want to say, as this means: He dreams of open ocean, to become open ocean-like. Some examples of better lines using your own words:

His blade is deadly, holy code fills it,
there is no darkness in his soul.

Work on this, knock off all rhymes, trim repeating themes (we know he is super-knight, no need to say it a dozen different ways). We don't want a blow by blow, but we want to know more about his character and motivation. Thirty lines of verse and we don't know anything about him. Read all the poetry in this forum, try to imitate those you like. Take care.