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White and yellow water-lilies framing
sky upon its surface; sun and moon
fragmented, swept off to the edges.
Above us in the heather a cluster
of wild horses flash their tails at flies
in the flattening heat. A bird of prey circles,
swoops and arouses maternal concern
for the children below; nakedness splashes
the dignity of mallards and mute swans.
Deep in the night the call of the screech owl,
stars as large as her eyes.
“This is what life could be like…” she whispered,
“…without you,” I manfully ended her sentence.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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(08-10-2013, 11:35 PM)ray Wrote: White and yellow water-lilies framing
sky upon its surface; sun and moon I like the mirror image here could sky be clouds?
fragmented, swept off to the edges.
Above us in the heather a cluster
of wild horses flash their tails at flies nice image
in the flattening heat. A bird of prey circles, I can feel the flattening heat its a great description
swoops and arouses maternal concern
for the children below; nakedness splashes
the dignity of mallards and mute swans. fav two lines they show so much
Deep in the night the call of the screech owl, this switch ties in with the sun and moon fragmented
stars as large as her eyes.
“This is what life could be like…” she whispered,
“…without you,” I manfully ended her sentence.
I enjoyed this a great deal you give us strong images of a hot lazy day with children playing at the lakes edge and I like the twist from day to night as though its a place you've been before perhaps as lovers ?
I'm really not sure about the end lines on such a poem were you have laid out such a wonderful scene to end it with a manly quip almost dismisses the feelings invoke by the images. If this is what you intended then it works but it seemed a little cold for me. Best TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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(08-10-2013, 11:35 PM)ray Wrote: White and yellow water-lilies framing
sky upon its surface; sun and moon
fragmented, swept off to the edges.
Above us in the heather a cluster
of wild horses flash their tails at flies
in the flattening heat. A bird of prey circles,
swoops and arouses maternal concern
for the children below; nakedness splashes
the dignity of mallards and mute swans.
Deep in the night the call of the screech owl,
stars as large as her eyes.
“This is what life could be like…” she whispered,
“…without you,” I manfully ended her sentence. Hi ray,
Yes. Quite beautiful encapsulation. Imagery rich and textured like tweed. The meter is squeezed out like lumpy toothpaste in some lines...it is odd but it seems to run into lumpiness in L4, then I get over it by hanging on words...cluuuuuster...only to find that the lump has moved on. L5 suffers considerably and I cannot get it to straighten out. Overall, and I may regret this, there is no poetry here. Prose yes....but not poetry....and therein lies the problem. If this was poetry you would never have permitted the last line. It is just too bad for words...and words are all we have. 
Best,
tectak
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Thanks all.
TOMH - I think sky better than clouds otherwise the sun and moon wouldn't be visible. Many have expressed a dislike for the last couple of lines. Me, I like it, it's open to interpretation.
Fogglethorpe - (feels like a made up word). Manfully - a very unpopular word, but it expresses what I want pretty well. What's a boy to do?
Tectak - the only time I have trouble with the metre is here -
nakedness splashes
the dignity of mallards and mute swans.
and TOMH says they are his favourite lines!
I really wouldn't know if it is poetry or not. The other day I was trying to clean my teeth with shaving foam.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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Thanks, Rachel. My man wouldn't enjoy the solitude, that's why he's ending the sentence.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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(08-10-2013, 11:35 PM)ray Wrote: White and yellow water-lilies framing
sky upon its surface; sun and moon
fragmented, swept off to the edges.
there is an odd tense confusion here created by the contrast of framing/fragmented. This is also a sentence fragment. As a reader, I am left wondering why the narrator mentions this in the beginning of the poem as it is never tied in. It is also strange when you skip articles sometimes and not others.
Above us in the heather a cluster
of wild horses flash their tails at flies
in the flattening heat. A bird of prey circles,
flattening heat is good. "Above us in the heather" . . . ahh, a poem about a family of bugs. I do love a good bug poem. I don't know about "flash" with tails, while I love inventive usage, this one feels wrong.
swoops and arouses maternal concern
for the children below; nakedness splashes
the dignity of mallards and mute swans.
"bird of prey"? You recognised the flora but not the fauna? Why not an egret, a falcon, a kestrel? "maternal concern" is just tell and prosaic at that. "nakedness splashes"? Nakedness is just a condition it can't splash. This would be like "handsomeness splashes".
Deep in the night the call of the screech owl,
stars as large as her eyes.
more sentence fragments.
“This is what life could be like…” she whispered,
“…without you,” I manfully ended her sentence.
What you have here is a ton of scene setting and no plot. I don't know your narrator and their companion other than that they might be bugs.
As a whole, this is very, very loose. It needs some sever triage with a direction toward intent, narrative train and grammar as well as word usage to succeed.
Thanks for posting.
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(08-13-2013, 01:40 AM)wow1500 Wrote: (08-13-2013, 01:07 AM)ray Wrote: Thanks, Rachel. My man wouldn't enjoy the solitude, that's why he's ending the sentence.
Ok so I've obviously missed the point of your poem. 0_0
So why did you write "This is what life could be like without you", and since the man said "without you", I presume he's talking about the girl???
I'm so confused.
Please tell me he doesn't want to live with the girl. It would make for such a funny and better poem. And besides, you can't end your poem on a serious note with the word manfully. Come on. xD
He doesn't want to live with the girl.
(08-13-2013, 02:30 AM)milo Wrote: (08-10-2013, 11:35 PM)ray Wrote: White and yellow water-lilies framing
sky upon its surface; sun and moon
fragmented, swept off to the edges.
there is an odd tense confusion here created by the contrast of framing/fragmented. This is also a sentence fragment. As a reader, I am left wondering why the narrator mentions this in the beginning of the poem as it is never tied in. It is also strange when you skip articles sometimes and not others.
Above us in the heather a cluster
of wild horses flash their tails at flies
in the flattening heat. A bird of prey circles,
flattening heat is good. "Above us in the heather" . . . ahh, a poem about a family of bugs. I do love a good bug poem. I don't know about "flash" with tails, while I love inventive usage, this one feels wrong.
swoops and arouses maternal concern
for the children below; nakedness splashes
the dignity of mallards and mute swans.
"bird of prey"? You recognised the flora but not the fauna? Why not an egret, a falcon, a kestrel? "maternal concern" is just tell and prosaic at that. "nakedness splashes"? Nakedness is just a condition it can't splash. This would be like "handsomeness splashes".
Deep in the night the call of the screech owl,
stars as large as her eyes.
more sentence fragments.
“This is what life could be like…” she whispered,
“…without you,” I manfully ended her sentence.
What you have here is a ton of scene setting and no plot. I don't know your narrator and their companion other than that they might be bugs.
As a whole, this is very, very loose. It needs some sever triage with a direction toward intent, narrative train and grammar as well as word usage to succeed.
Thanks for posting.
Milo - I think you've a good point about too much scene setting and too little plot. However, when someone can pretend not to understand "above us in the heather" so as to make witty remarks about bug poems, I sense a sneerer and if I wanted PFFA-type comments, I'd go there.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.
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(08-13-2013, 03:21 AM)ray Wrote: Milo - I think you've a good point about too much scene setting and too little plot. However, when someone can pretend not to understand "above us in the heather" so as to make witty remarks about bug poems, I sense a sneerer and if I wanted PFFA-type comments, I'd go there.
You don't have to "sense" anything, this is the /serious/ critique forum. If you are not ready for frank discussion about the merits and techniques in the poem, an entity completely and entirely unrelated to you, refrain from posting in the serious workshopping forum until you are or, I will move your post to one of the lesser forums .
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