That Leaf

[alatos]

That Leaf (v.2)

That leaf, which pops out of the burgundy stalk,
half in shade, beneath porch, beside gravel walk,
and gives rest to a bug (of an unknown sort, crawling slowly),
soaks in day: playing stoic receiver of the birds’ report.

Yes, this same leaf,
with its brushed yellowed edge,
needs no belief,
has no creed, takes no pledge,
of course has no learning
but the sun and the rain,
not trapped in discerning
pleasure from pain;
neither losing nor earning
can shake him, nor advance,
nor restrain.
His ways are higher:
part of nature’s romance.







That Leaf

That leaf, which pops out of the burgundy stalk,
half in shade, beneath my porch, beside gravel walk,
and gives rest to a bug (of an unknown sort, crawling slowly), soaks in day:
playing stoic receiver of the birds’ report.

Yes, this same leaf,
with its yellowed edge,
needs no belief,
has no creed, takes no pledge.
Of course has no learning
but the sun and the rain,
yet this leaf knows my yearning:
this leaf knows no pain.

[billy]

i really like the 1st part, though it does need a bit of an edit to sort some syntax problems out

That leaf, which pops out of the burgundy stalk,
half in shade, beneath my porch, beside gravel walk, [the]after [beside]
and gives rest to a bug (of an unknown sort, crawling slowly), soaks in day: no need for [and] at the start of the line, a suggestion would be [gives rest to an unknown bug,....] i'd also suggest [it] before [soaks] and [the] before [day]
playing stoic receiver of the birds’ report.

the 2nd stanza does nothing for me as a reader. take it from me, the leaf knows not of your yearning :J:

[makeshift]

That leaf, which pops out of the burgundy stalk,
half in shade, beneath my porch, beside gravel walk, Nice imagery here with the first two lines, the rhythm feels appropriately relaxed and the rhyme comes off as fairly natural
and gives rest to a bug (of an unknown sort, crawling slowly), soaks in day: Not sure if I like the part in parentheses, speficially "crawling slowly" It made me pause while reading, killed the flow a bit maybe that was intentional idk
playing stoic receiver of the birds’ report.

Yes, this same leaf,
with its yellowed edge, Good imagery again, could really imagine this
needs no belief,
has no creed, takes no pledge.
Of course has no learning Not sure if its necessary but I want to read this with a comma after of course
but the sun and the rain,
yet this leaf knows my yearning:
this leaf knows no pain.

Then ending of this poem gives an understated sense of solitude or loneliness. I liked the picture you painted.

[ScurryFunger]

That Leaf

That leaf, which pops out of the burgundy stalk,
half in shade, beneath my porch, beside gravel walk,
and gives rest to a bug (of an unknown sort, crawling slowly), soaks in day:
playing stoic receiver of the birds’ report.

Yes, this same leaf,
with its yellowed edge,
needs no belief,
has no creed, takes no pledge.
Of course has no learning
but the sun and the rain,
yet this leaf knows my yearning:
this leaf knows no pain.

the burgandy and yellow seem a bit at odds, what about using another shade of burgundy for the second verse instead of 'yellowed' but then, it could be a burgandy stemmed plant with yellowed leaves i guess oh, how about purple and gold? I'm trying to be useful but fear that I'm failing, I liked the first verse much more than the second, the last two lines are a bit too 'much'.

[alatos]

That Leaf

That leaf, which pops out of the burgundy stalk,
half in shade, beneath my porch, beside gravel walk,
and gives rest to a bug (of an unknown sort, crawling slowly), soaks in day:
playing stoic receiver of the birds’ report.

Yes, this same leaf,
with its yellowed edge,
needs no belief,
has no creed, takes no pledge.
Of course has no learning
but the sun and the rain,
yet this leaf knows my yearning:
this leaf knows no pain.

the burgandy and yellow seem a bit at odds, what about using another shade of burgundy for the second verse instead of 'yellowed' but then, it could be a burgandy stemmed plant with yellowed leaves i guess oh, how about purple and gold? I'm trying to be useful but fear that I'm failing, I liked the first verse much more than the second, the last two lines are a bit too 'much'.

It is indeed a description true to nature. I wrote about an actual burgundy stalk, yellow-edged leaf, and an unidentified bug crawling on it.

I also felt that the end was the weak point as far as the writing went. It has the real point of the poem, I just struggled trying to put together the last few lines to sound more "real", they sound sort of unnatural to me. What the whole point of the poem is supposed to be is that even though something as simple as a leaf has no education, no religion, no friends, etc., it is still "happier" than human beings with all of our possessions and education. I realize the leaf doesn't feel anything, I think that goes without saying though. To me the leaf was just a symbol for nature. I guess this is a pretty romantic poem really.

[rowens]

By "knows", you mean it has what you want? It knows your yearning by not knowing anything?

[alatos]

By "knows", you mean it has what you want? It knows your yearning by not knowing anything?

Exactly

[alatos]

edits in first post