Posts: 70
Threads: 19
Joined: Jul 2013
Edit two
He has never tasted death,
but he will on his first day.
He is already catching his breath.
Soon he will join the fray.
He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
Will he be covered in slime?
Take your time and rest on the tree.
The tree of those who have passed.
Rest my child, for the night will be over soon
He is already hoping this day will be his last,
for he doesn't want to be another goon.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it and find the cause.
The nurses give him no comfort,
because he is already facing moral dilemmas
His face is changing color
His head is growing an antenna
This antenna should pick up a signal
Help! I cant do this!
In this room he will find no equal.
They do this like someone who can do the splits
His first body,
he's is tasting deaths sweet stagnant air.
The tools he is using are not shoddy.
Is this really fair?
His first body is a young man.
Looks no more than twenty years old.
He wishes he was on the beach's sand,
instead of joining the fold.
He pauses and has a feeling of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He asks if he can take a break from the bit.
He slips out of the morgue,
takes his keys out of his pocket,
and runs away from the smorgasbord
A smorgasbord of death without his blanket.
Edit one
He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for someone to mime,
Someone to be.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets find the cause.
His first body.
He's is tasting deaths sweet stagnant air.
The tools he is using are not shoddy,
Is this really fair?
His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate
Why are there so many?
He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He goes home and has a fit.
He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for something to mime,
Something to be.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets break out the saws.
His first body.
He's never tasted deaths sweet stagnant air.
The tools he uses are not shoddy,
Is this really fair?
His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate
Something doesn't seem right.
He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He walks out and goes home to have a fit.
this is my first post on the mild critique board. Please honest feedback. I don't know If I'm ready for this level of poetry. Feel free to move It to the novice forum if you see fit
Posts: 70
Threads: 23
Joined: Jul 2013
(08-01-2013, 10:52 PM)jdguyb Wrote: He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for something to mime, Could just be me but I don't really think this line or the next fit in with the poem. The rhyme feels forced.
Something to be.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets break out the saws. "Saws" does not rhyme with "was" and it throws me off a little when I read this. Maybe something like, "Let's get to it, let's find the cause" if you want to keep the same idea going, but I don't know.
His first body.
He's never tasted deaths sweet stagnant air. I like to use present tense "tasting deaths sweet stagnant air"
The tools he uses are not shoddy, present tense, "using tools that aren't shoddy"
Is this really fair?
His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate
Something doesn't seem right. No rhyme here, why?
He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He walks out and goes home to have a fit.
this is my first post on the mild critique board. Please honest feedback. I don't know If I'm ready for this level of poetry. Feel free to move It to the novice forum if you see fit
My edits are just my opinions. I think there are a few lines that need to be worked on. I like where you are heading with this poem, I have never read anything about this before, interesting idea, but I think it needs to be developed more. Why does he choose to leave? In S5 you say "Something doesn't make sense." Well what is it that doesn't make sense? It is clear that he finds the job harder than he originally though, and maybe immoral? But I think you need to show more. Just my opinion though. Good start! Look forward to the next draft!
(08-01-2013, 10:52 PM)jdguyb Wrote: He enters the morgue for the first time, I don't think you need a comma there. It might be a trivial thing, but it catches when reading it.
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for something to mime,I agree with the above, the word 'mime' doesn't quite fit the theme. One of them fancy online rhyming dictionaries will probably find you something better 
Something to be.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets break out the saws.
His first body.
He's never tasted deaths sweet stagnant air.Apostrophe in 'death's'
The tools he uses are not shoddy,Shoddy has the same effect as 'mime' here for me. It doesn't quite fit the tone of the piece
Is this really fair?
His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate Now 'coagulate' is a GREAT word to follow after 'candidate', I am totally in to that!
Something doesn't seem right.
He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He walks out and goes home to have a fit. Aw shucks, you didn't have to give him a conscience at the end! Heh. the darker side of me thinks you could do without the reasoning the last stanza offers all together. Finish it on an a more open feeling shown within the penultimate stanza.
I really like the darker explorations within this piece. There are some small issues with the rhyming words, but once these are addressed you'll be really onto something with this. I really hope you choose to continue with it, it has real potential!
Rubi
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(08-01-2013, 10:52 PM)jdguyb Wrote: He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for something to mime,
Something to be.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets break out the saws.
His first body.
He's never tasted deaths sweet stagnant air.
The tools he uses are not shoddy,
Is this really fair?
His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate
Something doesn't seem right.
He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He walks out and goes home to have a fit.
this is my first post on the mild critique board. Please honest feedback. I don't know If I'm ready for this level of poetry. Feel free to move It to the novice forum if you see fit Yes, I see fit. This is all concept but no control.
Do not despair.What you have done is let your desire to tell a story overwhelm your poetry. Actually, there is no poetry apparent. Let's just look at this piece through filters. Does it rhyme consistently? That is, does it have a fixed rhyme scheme? No. (20/right?) That's OK. It does not need to though to rhyme sometimes and then not is usually a sign of failed intentions. Let it pass. Does it have a firm meter? No. In fact, there is no structured rhythm at all. That's OK. Let's call it free-verse prose. What about metaphors,similes, imagery? Nope. Not even a jot. That's OK but it does make the piece a little barren...if you see what I mean. I hope this doesn't seem to be a sarcastic crit...I mean, if you disagree with anything please tell me where I am wrong. Look, an assumption. I assume you will agree with my comments...they are all self-evident and obvious. Yes. Obvious. Hmmm. That begs a question. If you agree with me, why post it as it is?
Give it a line by line going over. You have a story to tell and a wish to tell it well. Write a poem.
With trepidation he enters the morgue;
horrors imagined filling in his thoughts
like some ghastly and gruesome smorgasbord,
that he cannot devour, etiquette still not taught
...or something.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(08-01-2013, 10:52 PM)jdguyb Wrote: Please Note. This crit is line by line at the request of jdguyb
Edit one
He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.Are you trying to use meter. If so, this is not successful. If not, this is stumbling. The "he/will/see" is anapest. Better to end "he'll/see".
He looks for someone to mime, This is forced past reason. I assume you mean someone to show him what to do by example. See end of stanza.
Someone to be.
He enters the morgue as a neophyte,
not knowing the horrors ahead.
He is looking for someone to make darkness light;
to instruct and advise on the dead.
....or something. Your poem. The example above, and that is all it is, has an easy rhyme scheme--ABAB--and a strict rhythm. You may not like it but as an exercise towards consistency you might like to try to repeat the form in the other stanzas... or you might not.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was. Count your emphases. This does not scan at all well
What is the encryption?Absolutely. What IS the encryption? What does this mean? Well, I will tell you. You have discovered the rapper's fool's gold. Words that end in "..ion" are manifold. You just cannot stop once you start. As for diction, its all fiction, no distinction in your mission. Make decision, risk derision, dereliction then extinction. See. it is all just too easy. Don't fall into the trap.
Well lets get to it, lets find the cause.let's and let's. repeat to soon. Punctuate so that the crits think you know what you are doing. "cause" and "was" are off-rhymes. If you cannot find a better word to rhyme with rhe first word...change the first word. Work at it before posting. There is NO shame in YOU editing your own work before posting.
He knows what his job is, defined and clear.
Dissect to dermine the cause;
Where to make the first cut is his faltering fear,
but the the knife in his hand does not pause.
No more. It is your turn
His first body.
He's is tasting deaths sweet stagnant air.He's is? death's. Check your work by READING IT...or better still, let someone else read it TO you.
The tools he is using are not shoddy,Forced rhyme again. Same rule applies. A pair of words rhyme contractually. They each have a mutual responsibility. If a word does not comply....change it!
Is this really fair?Complete nonsense contextually. What is unfair? You have given up on this too soon. Do not rush it. Take your time. Work at it.
His first candidate,Candidate is an ill-chosen word. You have now given up all poetic endeavour and are now thrashing about with unformed thoughts...and it shows.
A young man of 20.Twenty but in any event slipped english. Just saying 20 is slack. Of twenty? Twenty years old? Twenty a day?
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulatecoagulate is a transitive verb and rarely if ever used as a noun outside medical circles. By leaving the punctuation out of these last two lines you create a non-sensical ending. Why are there so many WHAT? Young men? Blood coagulating drugs? Bodies? Who knows.
Why are there so many?
He pauses and has a sense of conscience."Sense of conscience" means nothing at all as "sense" and "conscience" are not clearly defined. Sense can mean ability to be right (he showed sense), to be aware(he sensed the change), to detect (he used his sense of smell), to make observation on logical conclusion (that makes sense). "conscience" can mean retrospective regret (pricked by conscience), to indicate guilt(it was on his conscience), to indicate fairness (in all conscience). If you want to put together two words of abstraction you need to put them in a tight container otherwise they will drift apart. All abstractions do this if not bound by the ropes of context.
He cant go through with it.can't or cannot but not cant which is hypocritical and sanctimonious talk or the jargon of particular group or body. Check these things before posting. You will enjoy the process and you will learn from it. As always...read more poetry.
Something doesn't make sense.
He goes home and has a fit.Collapsed like a soggy souffle. Thoroughly pointless point.
You are an innovative thinker with a short attention span. You need to spend as much time polishing your paintwork as you do in slapping it on in the first place. The grammar, punctuation etc. irritates me but it is unfair crit at this stage. Read as much poetry as you can then give this one another coat of looking at.
Very Best,
tectak
He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for something to mime,
Something to be.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets break out the saws.
His first body.
He's never tasted deaths sweet stagnant air.
The tools he uses are not shoddy,
Is this really fair?
His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate
Something doesn't seem right.
He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He walks out and goes home to have a fit.
this is my first post on the mild critique board. Please honest feedback. I don't know If I'm ready for this level of poetry. Feel free to move It to the novice forum if you see fit
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(08-01-2013, 10:52 PM)jdguyb Wrote: Edit two
He has never tasted death,
but he will on his first day.
He is already catching his breath.
Soon he will join the fray.
He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
Will he be covered in slime?
Take your time and rest on the tree.
The tree of those who have passed.
Rest my child, for the night will be over soon
He is already hoping this day will be his last,
for he doesn't want to be another goon.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it and find the cause.
The nurses give him no comfort,
because he is already facing moral dilemmas
His face is changing color
His head is growing an antenna
This antenna should pick up a signal
Help! I cant do this!
In this room he will find no equal.
They do this like someone who can do the splits
His first body,
he's is tasting deaths sweet stagnant air.
The tools he is using are not shoddy.
Is this really fair?
His first body is a young man.
Looks no more than twenty years old.
He wishes he was on the beach's sand,
instead of joining the fold.
He pauses and has a feeling of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He asks if he can take a break from the bit.
He slips out of the morgue,
takes his keys out of his pocket,
and runs away from the smorgasbord
A smorgasbord of death without his blanket.
Edit one
He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for someone to mime,
Someone to be.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets find the cause.
His first body.
He's is tasting deaths sweet stagnant air.
The tools he is using are not shoddy,
Is this really fair?
His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate
Why are there so many?
He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He goes home and has a fit.
He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
He looks for something to mime,
Something to be.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it, lets break out the saws.
His first body.
He's never tasted deaths sweet stagnant air.
The tools he uses are not shoddy,
Is this really fair?
His first candidate,
A young man of 20.
If only he knew why he messes with blood coagulate
Something doesn't seem right.
He pauses and has a sense of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He walks out and goes home to have a fit.
this is my first post on the mild critique board. Please honest feedback. I don't know If I'm ready for this level of poetry. Feel free to move It to the novice forum if you see fit No. The last edit is appalling. You have not listened. That is your prerogative. Sorry. I cannot advise further.
Read more poetry.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 70
Threads: 23
Joined: Jul 2013
(08-01-2013, 10:52 PM)jdguyb Wrote: Edit two
He has never tasted death,
but he will on his first day.
He is already catching his breath.
Soon he will join the fray.
I really like the first two lines, but the second two seem forced. I like the idea of this stanza, but you might want to play around with it some more.
He enters the morgue for the first time,
not knowing what horrors he will see.
Will he be covered in slime?
Take your time and rest on the tree.
The tree of those who have passed.
Rest my child, for the night will be over soon
He is already hoping this day will be his last,
for he doesn't want to be another goon.
I'm not sure how I feel about referring to a tree. In the second stanza it is confusing, but it gets cleared up a little in the third. Yeah, i'm not sure I like it.
He knows the job description,
Cut up bodies, learn what the killing blow was.
What is the encryption?
Well lets get to it and find the cause.
The nurses give him no comfort,
because he is already facing moral dilemmas
His face is changing color
His head is growing an antenna
Color doesn't rhyme with comfort, it throws me off when I read it. And I don't like the reference to an antenna, but this is just my opinion, it does give an interesting image.
This antenna should pick up a signal
Help! I cant do this!
In this room he will find no equal.
They do this like someone who can do the splits
I don't know why you added this stanza, it doesn't help the poem too much. I would get rid of it.
His first body,
he's is tasting deaths sweet stagnant air.
The tools he is using are not shoddy.
Is this really fair?
His first body is a young man.
Looks no more than twenty years old.
He wishes he was on the beach's sand,
instead of joining the fold. "Joining the fold."?
He pauses and has a feeling of conscience.
He cant go through with it.
Something doesn't make sense.
He asks if he can take a break from the bit.
He slips out of the morgue,
takes his keys out of his pocket,
and runs away from the smorgasbord
A smorgasbord of death without his blanket.
I like the idea here, but maybe use a word other than smorgasbord. And if you used blanket because of its relation to death, it is a cliche.
I still think you have some editing to do. Again, I really like the idea for this poem I just think you might be having trouble putting your thoughts on the paper. If you are having trouble finding ways to rhyme certain things just try using other words, or phrases. Honestly, I think I liked the first draft I edited a little bit better. But both have some good things about them. I would suggest keep working, just try to make your lines flow more, some of the rhymes seem forced and it makes thoughts unclear.
Posts: 70
Threads: 19
Joined: Jul 2013
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