As I see the water rising
I run to higher ground.
I don’t know if I’ll make it
The cattle certainly wont
As I reach the top of the hill
I turn to see the damage
Bodies floating past me
In that swift deadly current.
Up above I stood
Looking over a sea
That ten minutes ago
Ceased to exist
The damage will be costly
But my life would be more
I hear the chopper coming
But will it get to me
I see a rusty car
With fish swimming inside
The water keeps a risin
Over the slippery muddy ground.
As I stumble on a rock
I look up to see a sight
The choppers dropping a rope
Looks like I may be saved.
As I reach that safety point
I turn and have a gaze
At that once beautiful landscape
Now a rotten mess.
Posts: 1,308
Threads: 199
Joined: Dec 2016
(08-01-2013, 11:53 AM)Siddicus Wrote: As I see the water rising
I run to higher ground.
I don’t know if I’ll make it
The cattle certainly wont
As I reach the top of the hill
I turn to see the damage
Bodies floating past me
In that swift deadly current.
Up above I stood
Looking over a sea
That ten minutes ago
Ceased to exist
The damage will be costly
But my life would be more
I hear the chopper coming
But will it get to me
I see a rusty car
With fish swimming inside
The water keeps a risin
Over the slippery muddy ground.
As I stumble on a rock
I look up to see a sight
The choppers dropping a rope
Looks like I may be saved.
As I reach that safety point
I turn and have a gaze
At that once beautiful landscape
Now a rotten mess.
I am not certain why you posted this here. Did you want me to personally tell you how dreadful it is or would you like me to move it to a critique forum?
move it to a critique forum i guess, im only new here, i dont know what im doing
Posts: 1,308
Threads: 199
Joined: Dec 2016
I moved it to Novice. Please don't forget to leave comments on others' poems, the site works on reciprocity - and it's the right thing to do. You can find some tips about using the site her:
http://pigpenpoetry.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=66
Ok then, Thankyou very much for that
Posts: 70
Threads: 19
Joined: Jul 2013
This poem needs punctuation. Also it seems like a story instead of a poem
Seems a little forced to read. Doesn't flow well. IMHO
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
08-05-2013, 05:57 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-05-2013, 05:59 PM by billy.)
(08-01-2013, 10:42 PM)jdguyb Wrote: This poem needs punctuation. Also it seems like a story instead of a poem
we need a little bit more than a stock reply. why does it need punctuation. what makes it seem like a story? try and expand some of your feedback, it'll get easier the more you do
(08-02-2013, 10:42 AM)GoldWinger Wrote: Seems a little forced to read. Doesn't flow well. IMHO
we need a little bit more than a stock reply. where does it seem forced and why? can you be a little bit more specific about the flow aspect? try and expand some of your feedback, it'll get easier the more you do
Posts: 69
Threads: 9
Joined: Aug 2013
(08-01-2013, 11:53 AM)Siddicus Wrote: As I see the water rising
I run to higher ground.
I don’t know if I’ll make it
The cattle certainly wont
As I reach the top of the hill
I turn to see the damage
Bodies floating past me
In that swift deadly current.
Up above I stood
Looking over a sea
That ten minutes ago
Ceased to exist
The damage will be costly
But my life would be more
I hear the chopper coming
But will it get to me
I see a rusty car
With fish swimming inside
The water keeps a risin
Over the slippery muddy ground.
As I stumble on a rock
I look up to see a sight
The choppers dropping a rope
Looks like I may be saved.
As I reach that safety point
I turn and have a gaze
At that once beautiful landscape
Now a rotten mess.
I'm going to be honest, this seems lacking in description, all a bit 'safe', why not try and go a bit wilder with it, also, ceased to exit is wrong I think, because isn't the opposite true? Fishes swimming in cars? How would you see that? There's too much 'report' and not enough 'soul'.
Don't let it stop you trying again, writing poetry is mostly just self indulgance anyway and who doesn't like a bit of self indulgance that's free!
