Walk Alone

[KSD]

Walk...don't run, this feeling will soon be undone.
Through the haze of fear, the warmth soon disappears.
Nothing left but the quiet, your loudest screams cannot deny it.
Locked in your own box of death, deceased thoughts, never to express.
Those words that once inspired? Now bring only disease and distress.
Dreams crash and burn, lifeless petals among the stems.
Feelings locked in an urn, roots now dried and condemned.
Tomorrow the Sun shall rise, but like Dark you despise.
The cold winds of hate, breath exhales the bitter taste.
In days past you had an army, your presence was cheered.
But now not a soul in the background...all alone as you feared.

[billy]

hi ksd
what can be wrong with a poem pretty much is wrong with this one.
it's overly wordy, has a lot of cliche. the rhymes internal and external need work, as does the meter. it feels like the poetry has been squeezed through a thin hole. it needs some original images. some original depth.
the very first two words are cliche, the end rhyme feels forced to suit the internal rhyme instead of feeling natural.
HeyI Yes you! Don't run,
be glad, you're not some anti-sceptic nun

i understand the above isn't what you're aiming for it's just an example
one you get something original you can go to town editing to some kind of perfection.

Walk...don't run, this feeling will soon be undone.
Through the haze of fear, the warmth soon disappears.
Nothing left but the quiet, your loudest screams cannot deny it.
Locked in your own box of death, deceased thoughts, never to express.
Those words that once inspired? Now bring only disease and distress.
Dreams crash and burn, lifeless petals among the stems.
Feelings locked in an urn, roots now dried and condemned.
Tomorrow the Sun shall rise, but like Dark you despise.
The cold winds of hate, breath exhales the bitter taste.
In days past you had an army, your presence was cheered.
But now not a soul in the background...all alone as you feared.

[GrhmJngL]

Most importantly I think, is that the poem largely consists of statements and images that are either too trite/obvious, or just too clumsy and forced to evoke any sense of genuine feeling. There doesn't feel as there's really anything much going on as a result.

In terms of rhythm, not to say that it necessarily has to have a tight metre, but you always have to give heed to how every single syllable affects the flow of line, and the poem as a whole (*especially* when you're going to try and use use devices like internal rhyme). All poetry (even prose!), no matter how abstract or loose, has to constantly take rhythm into consideration, and because this poem doesn't really seem to, most lines feel overstuffed and clumsy to read aloud.

Rhythmically (and otherwise), you have to be fairly cut-throat with what words/phrases you include and leave out. Figuring out which is probably the more difficult parts of writing poetry; as Sylvia Plath says: "You've got to go so far so fast in such a small space, you've got to burn away all the peripherals."

If one way of phrasing what you're trying to say doesn't quite fit, you don't leave it there, you have find another way of phrasing it that does, or try a different idea.

As regards to the rhyming, very often I get the feeling that you're saying things just because they rhyme with other things your saying, not because you actually want to say them. Using any structure is completely pointless if your only talking into it mindlessly rather than exploiting it as a means to get what you want get across.

[KSD]

Thank you for the feedback. 1st attempt so I'm grateful for the honest comments and will keep working at it.

[billy]

have read of some of the pdf's in my signature and see if they help. if it's a consolation, it's better than my 20th attempt