Birds and the Bees and Hardware Please

[TheWall0912]

The newlyweds ask the minister how
to join the church here and now.
"No fornication for two weeks." he said.
Unsure they could, the couple fled.

Two weeks past, judgement day arrived.
Nervous, the couple vocalized,
"It went fine, without complaint,
until she dropped the can of paint."

"Can of paint?" the minister asked.
"She bent over, we made it fast."
"The church bans you." he was forced to say.
"Home Depot did too, so that's okay."

[newsclippings]

The newlyweds ask the minister how
to join the church here and now.
"No fornication for two weeks." he said.
Unsure they could, the couple fled.

Two weeks past, judgement day arrived.
Nervous, the couple vocalized,
"It went fine, without complaint,
until she dropped the can of paint."

"Can of paint?" the minister asked.
"She bent over, we made it fast."
"The church bans you." he was forced to say.
"Home Depot did too, so that's okay."

This is hilarious. I especially like the last verse. This whole poem is practically a joke with a punchline. The title is catchy too.

I'd revise the first two lines. "Here and now" doesn't bode well with the rest. Comma after "weeks" instead of a period in the first stanza. Passed instead of past in stanza 2. Comma after "you" in the last stanza.

While this is a funny little quip, I would advise editing it further.

[jdguyb]

I must say this is funny. The rhythm works nicely. I can imagine why they got banned from home depot too.
ITs a funny little poem. I only wish it was longer! It's almost too perfect I wish I could find something to say to you to improve but
I cant. ITs a perfect little poem, Maybe write about the struggles of no sex for two weeks. That could be a whole new stanza

[Volaticus]

Hi,
I love the humor in this poem, it made me chuckle, especially the last stanza. I read it a few times and I think you have a nice rhythm going throughout. Sorry I couldn't be of any help critique wise.
Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed it.
LB

[sparklenatasha]

The newlyweds ask the minister how
to join the church here and now.
"No fornication for two weeks." he said.
Unsure they could, the couple fled.

Two weeks past, judgement day arrived.
Nervous, the couple vocalized,
"It went fine, without complaint,
until she dropped the can of paint."

"Can of paint?" the minister asked.
"She bent over, we made it fast."
"The church bans you." he was forced to say.
"Home Depot did too, so that's okay."

I like the rhythm and the humour and the way it tells the story. The last line is like the punch line. I just want to know why they can't have sex for two weeks? I mean they're married right? I'm probably missing the point or something.

[TheWall0912]

Thanks for the responses everyone!

sparklenatasha, I found the joke online and decided to write it as a poem. (I'm sorry to say I didn't come up with this joke by myself, though I wish I had because it seems to be getting a chuckle out of most people) I'm not sure why they can't either, I was wondering that myself haha

[milo]

Check out this thread : http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=9480

especially leanne's entry which was superb.